a certain emptiness

sometimes it just doesnt matter what i do..

i fill my day with positive things.. positive people. music, conversation, work, family, friends, and intricate relationships with each of these aspects..

and for some reason when i wake up in the morning i need to compose myself and overcome this immense feeling of emptiness... this sadness that seems so overwhelming at times its hard to breathe...

but im not sure where it comes from..

at where i am in my life right now i feel very successful in my pursuits.. i have not given up on anything i have set my mind on and somethings i probably should give up on.. some hopes i should probably let go of.. but maybe its just not the right time..

i feel very accomplished at my age and i am happy with what i have chosen to do with my life thus far..

but it still feels as if im searching for some utopia.. some comfort. some level of peace that i havent been able to reach in quite some time but dont have the knowledge of ever reaching it in the past..

maybe i did once in a dream but confused it with a part of my reality that was hazed in smoke and loud music... maybe i havent ever reached it..

i find myself consistently trying to figure out what it is that i can seem to distinguish as being the answer but cant put my finger on..

sometimes it will just take over a part of my mind.. a small part and then let me know this contentment exists..

and im sure i have convinced myself that i had it.. that the emptiness was gone. or maybe just filled with possibility and misdirection.. perhaps it was just a temporary fix...

but i cant help but thinking that there is an answer out there.. something not right with the world.. something elusive.. that plaques us all at various points in our life so we try to satisfy this hunger with many different things.

shopping, lifestyles, drugs, drinking, people, sex, food, video games, school, trouble, relationships, work, careers, internet, money, material possessions, conversation of the exact thing im trying to figure out that goes on for hours but never brings anyone or anything any closer then they were when they started... family, technology, selling, buying, sleeping, driving, moving from place to place hoping that the next new experience will hold some type of reward to take me to the next level of happiness in this world and when i awake from my few moments of peaceful sleep that can only be reached by sheer exhaustion... feel fullfilled and satisfied..

im sure if i had this conversation with anyone they will tell me they have it all figured out.. some will say GOD, and Jesus Christ our Saviour, and some will say a good bowl of corn flakes and some more food, others will say. "i dont have that problem, i dunno what to tell you.." living in total denial and clouding their own mind with hypothetical situations and fake plastic dog shit that they have molded into what they consider their "happiness".. or lack of emptiness.

some im sure will calmly sit in silence and take in the question with an open mind and as silence as their answer try to figure out what that splinter is that no one can seem to slide out to bring themselves back to a reality that can be lived in harmony with all things around them..

some will be so confused by the quesiton theyll spend the next few hours trying to figure out what planet they're on... those are the funniest people i know..

they just have no idea what the hell is going on.. its like Dory from Finding Nemo.. they forget everything in just a few moments.. its so funny sometimes..

just totally oblivious to everything around them except whatever exists immediately in front of their faces.. and it cant be anything abstract in any way shape or form because they just confuse themselves to the point of total mental breakdown and then hit the reset button and go out for a cigarrette.

who knows.. im rambling.. and now im talkin to mark ross about goin back into a dream where i had 50$ in my pocket...but i just checked it and i have 3$, a license, a guitar pick and my bank card.. and mark just told me i should go back into my dream and steal it from myself..

so imma do that..

to all my homies that read this blog.. thankya...

these abstract thoughts were brought to you by the following sponsors.

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thank you and goodnight!

special thanks to...

Heather Tavano
Lauren J'Ville Wasted
Erica "absent" Lanier
Megan Rall
Aaron (5th Avenue Onlys)
Broadway Pizza's BBQ Chicken Sandwhich Delivery Guy

[[did you know your delivery person for broadway pizza...
...is a direct result of what you order?]]

yeah.. it is.

bye.