just in from work august 30th 2005 11:something
so i guess there have been some interesting changes in my life... just throughout the summer and the months to follow..
Brian has started furthering his education in tally..
the only real difference now is that.. hes not playin bass in tallahassee.
Allen has started focusing on his personal life.. professional career, relationships
with those around him..
the only real differences there are.... ummmm.............
well.. his drums are still here.. not being played.. and hes still not ever here..
so i guess he just reliquished his title..
everything else is pretty much the same.
Garrett has started doing.. umm...
............................................................................
...........................................................................
..............*takes a breath*....................................
............................................................................
....still not being here... yeah... thanks.
but..
i have some songs that i have pretty excited about for some time..
thats good..
work is good..
good changes..
moneys good..
fams good..
However...
I have an issue that i would like to discuss.. and its...
its...
hmm... damn... i know i had a good one..
oh yeah..
i remember now..
if you slow me down again i will cut you off and watch you fall...
until you reconcile with the lies...
with the truths and all the bullshit between...
then.. we'll dance again.
and then again...
ill watch you fall.
.
12:03am Aug 31st 2005
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Saturday, June 25, 2005
a certain emptiness
sometimes it just doesnt matter what i do..
i fill my day with positive things.. positive people. music, conversation, work, family, friends, and intricate relationships with each of these aspects..
and for some reason when i wake up in the morning i need to compose myself and overcome this immense feeling of emptiness... this sadness that seems so overwhelming at times its hard to breathe...
but im not sure where it comes from..
at where i am in my life right now i feel very successful in my pursuits.. i have not given up on anything i have set my mind on and somethings i probably should give up on.. some hopes i should probably let go of.. but maybe its just not the right time..
i feel very accomplished at my age and i am happy with what i have chosen to do with my life thus far..
but it still feels as if im searching for some utopia.. some comfort. some level of peace that i havent been able to reach in quite some time but dont have the knowledge of ever reaching it in the past..
maybe i did once in a dream but confused it with a part of my reality that was hazed in smoke and loud music... maybe i havent ever reached it..
i find myself consistently trying to figure out what it is that i can seem to distinguish as being the answer but cant put my finger on..
sometimes it will just take over a part of my mind.. a small part and then let me know this contentment exists..
and im sure i have convinced myself that i had it.. that the emptiness was gone. or maybe just filled with possibility and misdirection.. perhaps it was just a temporary fix...
but i cant help but thinking that there is an answer out there.. something not right with the world.. something elusive.. that plaques us all at various points in our life so we try to satisfy this hunger with many different things.
shopping, lifestyles, drugs, drinking, people, sex, food, video games, school, trouble, relationships, work, careers, internet, money, material possessions, conversation of the exact thing im trying to figure out that goes on for hours but never brings anyone or anything any closer then they were when they started... family, technology, selling, buying, sleeping, driving, moving from place to place hoping that the next new experience will hold some type of reward to take me to the next level of happiness in this world and when i awake from my few moments of peaceful sleep that can only be reached by sheer exhaustion... feel fullfilled and satisfied..
im sure if i had this conversation with anyone they will tell me they have it all figured out.. some will say GOD, and Jesus Christ our Saviour, and some will say a good bowl of corn flakes and some more food, others will say. "i dont have that problem, i dunno what to tell you.." living in total denial and clouding their own mind with hypothetical situations and fake plastic dog shit that they have molded into what they consider their "happiness".. or lack of emptiness.
some im sure will calmly sit in silence and take in the question with an open mind and as silence as their answer try to figure out what that splinter is that no one can seem to slide out to bring themselves back to a reality that can be lived in harmony with all things around them..
some will be so confused by the quesiton theyll spend the next few hours trying to figure out what planet they're on... those are the funniest people i know..
they just have no idea what the hell is going on.. its like Dory from Finding Nemo.. they forget everything in just a few moments.. its so funny sometimes..
just totally oblivious to everything around them except whatever exists immediately in front of their faces.. and it cant be anything abstract in any way shape or form because they just confuse themselves to the point of total mental breakdown and then hit the reset button and go out for a cigarrette.
who knows.. im rambling.. and now im talkin to mark ross about goin back into a dream where i had 50$ in my pocket...but i just checked it and i have 3$, a license, a guitar pick and my bank card.. and mark just told me i should go back into my dream and steal it from myself..
so imma do that..
to all my homies that read this blog.. thankya...
these abstract thoughts were brought to you by the following sponsors.
i fill my day with positive things.. positive people. music, conversation, work, family, friends, and intricate relationships with each of these aspects..
and for some reason when i wake up in the morning i need to compose myself and overcome this immense feeling of emptiness... this sadness that seems so overwhelming at times its hard to breathe...
but im not sure where it comes from..
at where i am in my life right now i feel very successful in my pursuits.. i have not given up on anything i have set my mind on and somethings i probably should give up on.. some hopes i should probably let go of.. but maybe its just not the right time..
i feel very accomplished at my age and i am happy with what i have chosen to do with my life thus far..
but it still feels as if im searching for some utopia.. some comfort. some level of peace that i havent been able to reach in quite some time but dont have the knowledge of ever reaching it in the past..
maybe i did once in a dream but confused it with a part of my reality that was hazed in smoke and loud music... maybe i havent ever reached it..
i find myself consistently trying to figure out what it is that i can seem to distinguish as being the answer but cant put my finger on..
sometimes it will just take over a part of my mind.. a small part and then let me know this contentment exists..
and im sure i have convinced myself that i had it.. that the emptiness was gone. or maybe just filled with possibility and misdirection.. perhaps it was just a temporary fix...
but i cant help but thinking that there is an answer out there.. something not right with the world.. something elusive.. that plaques us all at various points in our life so we try to satisfy this hunger with many different things.
shopping, lifestyles, drugs, drinking, people, sex, food, video games, school, trouble, relationships, work, careers, internet, money, material possessions, conversation of the exact thing im trying to figure out that goes on for hours but never brings anyone or anything any closer then they were when they started... family, technology, selling, buying, sleeping, driving, moving from place to place hoping that the next new experience will hold some type of reward to take me to the next level of happiness in this world and when i awake from my few moments of peaceful sleep that can only be reached by sheer exhaustion... feel fullfilled and satisfied..
im sure if i had this conversation with anyone they will tell me they have it all figured out.. some will say GOD, and Jesus Christ our Saviour, and some will say a good bowl of corn flakes and some more food, others will say. "i dont have that problem, i dunno what to tell you.." living in total denial and clouding their own mind with hypothetical situations and fake plastic dog shit that they have molded into what they consider their "happiness".. or lack of emptiness.
some im sure will calmly sit in silence and take in the question with an open mind and as silence as their answer try to figure out what that splinter is that no one can seem to slide out to bring themselves back to a reality that can be lived in harmony with all things around them..
some will be so confused by the quesiton theyll spend the next few hours trying to figure out what planet they're on... those are the funniest people i know..
they just have no idea what the hell is going on.. its like Dory from Finding Nemo.. they forget everything in just a few moments.. its so funny sometimes..
just totally oblivious to everything around them except whatever exists immediately in front of their faces.. and it cant be anything abstract in any way shape or form because they just confuse themselves to the point of total mental breakdown and then hit the reset button and go out for a cigarrette.
who knows.. im rambling.. and now im talkin to mark ross about goin back into a dream where i had 50$ in my pocket...but i just checked it and i have 3$, a license, a guitar pick and my bank card.. and mark just told me i should go back into my dream and steal it from myself..
so imma do that..
to all my homies that read this blog.. thankya...
these abstract thoughts were brought to you by the following sponsors.
My Couch
"Starsky and Hutch" The Mooovie
the fine tasting kryp
megan rall
begginers mind
a mild case of confusion
blogspot.com
lack of sleep
the darkness
Counter Strike
thank you and goodnight!
special thanks to...
Heather Tavano
Lauren J'Ville Wasted
Erica "absent" Lanier
Megan Rall
Aaron (5th Avenue Onlys)
Broadway Pizza's BBQ Chicken Sandwhich Delivery Guy
[[did you know your delivery person for broadway pizza...
...is a direct result of what you order?]]
yeah.. it is.
bye.
"Starsky and Hutch" The Mooovie
the fine tasting kryp
megan rall
begginers mind
a mild case of confusion
blogspot.com
lack of sleep
the darkness
Counter Strike
thank you and goodnight!
special thanks to...
Heather Tavano
Lauren J'Ville Wasted
Erica "absent" Lanier
Megan Rall
Aaron (5th Avenue Onlys)
Broadway Pizza's BBQ Chicken Sandwhich Delivery Guy
[[did you know your delivery person for broadway pizza...
...is a direct result of what you order?]]
yeah.. it is.
bye.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
and then it started...
Pushing aside the curtains headed back stage.. the butterflys started.. felt em a little bit.. Bone, walkin in front of me.. just to the left.. the backstage lights were dim.. just enough to see where im goin..
headed into the backstage room.. lifted up gloria.. and headed to the steps..
lights were very dim now.. just the reflective glow of the tape on the steps to guide me...
few more steps and then at once i was presented with what would be my future for the next 25 minutes..
first foot on the back of the stage and i already felt the quite rage of energy comin from the invisible crowd..
the lights were hot.. beautiful but blinding.. clouding my vision... a Halo effect around that awaiting listeners critics and competition..
hearin the click of 1/4" cables and the small quite drum roll.. tryin to scare away whatever nervousnes we had inside.. and make a step stool out of the fear to be able to reach excellence..
a quick glance to howie.. he was nervous.. lookin back at smono.. he was nervously spinnin a drumstick between his fingers.. bone was very scared.. for some reason his guitar was getting no signal..
despite the countless checks and double checks to make sure everything was perfect.. no sound from the lead guitarist..
triple check the cables.. switch out for new 1/4" inches hopin' that was the problem..
everything plugged back in.. power on the amps..
nothin..
the crowd growing impatient and silence, the only sound coming from the rock band about to unleash fury on these beckoning listeners..
starin.. at who.. pretty much everyone on stage..
smono lookin to me to do somethin.. howie.. testin his bass with walkdowns makin sure hes in tune.. everything is in check..
i could feel the anxiety.. like a strong wind i could feel everyone growin a lil impatient mixed with excitement.. and all the while Bone.. frantically unpluggin this and that stage hands on the spot checkin cables and connections.. Ben @ the sound board checkin levels..
i walk over to bone..
note: now please understand.. every light in the entire club is facing us.. the mic's are hot so every sound made is picked up and amplified through 10 / 12" subs.. 4 / 18" subs and 4 / 15" monitors.. trust me.. it was loud..
so.. i walk over to Bone..
"whats happenin' buddy?" i ask...
"nothin" bone replies.. "i got nothin."
everything checked.. everythings plugged in.. so we thought
two cables connecting the Power Head to the Stack.. which is the lil box on top of the big box.. had come unplugged..
we found it.. after this final click all would be right with the world..
there are about 8 cables that Bone has to hook up exactly perfect for this to all work..
and after that final click...
nothin..
no sound.. Bone looks at Me.. I look at Bone.. then glance down at his guitar..
the 1/4" cable that plugs into his guitar was dangling in the air.. not connected..
Bone looks at me and smiles.. with an extremely loud POP!!!
Bones plugged in..
we shake hands.. give each other Gods blessing.. few hugs.. good lucks and hand shakes..
and it starts..
the entrance to "Drink with the sun" a killer rockin groovalistic jam begins with a slow melodic sound from just the Bone himself...
and of to the race we went..
ladies and gentlemen.. GOD could have chosen to take me away on that stage at the end of "My Embrace" as the crowd was erupting.. cheers claps.. a Roar of energy waves and waves pounding every inch of the stage with enough force to take down the Spartan walls...
thank you all for everything..
and for those of you that missed it..
it happens again on the 4th of June 2005 @ "The Club @ Firestone" 3:30PM Sharp!
love,
billy.
www.smilinmcgee.com
.oreZoTroF!yppaH
headed into the backstage room.. lifted up gloria.. and headed to the steps..
lights were very dim now.. just the reflective glow of the tape on the steps to guide me...
few more steps and then at once i was presented with what would be my future for the next 25 minutes..
first foot on the back of the stage and i already felt the quite rage of energy comin from the invisible crowd..
the lights were hot.. beautiful but blinding.. clouding my vision... a Halo effect around that awaiting listeners critics and competition..
hearin the click of 1/4" cables and the small quite drum roll.. tryin to scare away whatever nervousnes we had inside.. and make a step stool out of the fear to be able to reach excellence..
a quick glance to howie.. he was nervous.. lookin back at smono.. he was nervously spinnin a drumstick between his fingers.. bone was very scared.. for some reason his guitar was getting no signal..
despite the countless checks and double checks to make sure everything was perfect.. no sound from the lead guitarist..
triple check the cables.. switch out for new 1/4" inches hopin' that was the problem..
everything plugged back in.. power on the amps..
nothin..
the crowd growing impatient and silence, the only sound coming from the rock band about to unleash fury on these beckoning listeners..
starin.. at who.. pretty much everyone on stage..
smono lookin to me to do somethin.. howie.. testin his bass with walkdowns makin sure hes in tune.. everything is in check..
i could feel the anxiety.. like a strong wind i could feel everyone growin a lil impatient mixed with excitement.. and all the while Bone.. frantically unpluggin this and that stage hands on the spot checkin cables and connections.. Ben @ the sound board checkin levels..
i walk over to bone..
note: now please understand.. every light in the entire club is facing us.. the mic's are hot so every sound made is picked up and amplified through 10 / 12" subs.. 4 / 18" subs and 4 / 15" monitors.. trust me.. it was loud..
so.. i walk over to Bone..
"whats happenin' buddy?" i ask...
"nothin" bone replies.. "i got nothin."
everything checked.. everythings plugged in.. so we thought
two cables connecting the Power Head to the Stack.. which is the lil box on top of the big box.. had come unplugged..
we found it.. after this final click all would be right with the world..
there are about 8 cables that Bone has to hook up exactly perfect for this to all work..
and after that final click...
nothin..
no sound.. Bone looks at Me.. I look at Bone.. then glance down at his guitar..
the 1/4" cable that plugs into his guitar was dangling in the air.. not connected..
Bone looks at me and smiles.. with an extremely loud POP!!!
Bones plugged in..
we shake hands.. give each other Gods blessing.. few hugs.. good lucks and hand shakes..
and it starts..
the entrance to "Drink with the sun" a killer rockin groovalistic jam begins with a slow melodic sound from just the Bone himself...
and of to the race we went..
ladies and gentlemen.. GOD could have chosen to take me away on that stage at the end of "My Embrace" as the crowd was erupting.. cheers claps.. a Roar of energy waves and waves pounding every inch of the stage with enough force to take down the Spartan walls...
thank you all for everything..
and for those of you that missed it..
it happens again on the 4th of June 2005 @ "The Club @ Firestone" 3:30PM Sharp!
love,
billy.
www.smilinmcgee.com
.oreZoTroF!yppaH
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
The Gift of Forgetting
Apparently i made an offer the other day... although that was definitely not my intention ..
See...its what happens when someone is self indulged.. has selective sight, thinks the world revolves around them... selfish.. you know those kind of people.. the kind that walk out of your life... and chain their door behind them cause the main thing they are afraid of is trust.. and that everyone is out to get them..
for the last year.. trust me.. i have not been pining over the loss of something that i just wasnt strong enough to throw away myself..
yes there was a grieving period.. but that turned into a realization period.. where i finally saw all the sacrifices i had made and all the taking that the other party was doing..
i was giving giving giving and i was just getting shit cause i wasnt giving enough.. while on the other side of the fence they were taking taking taking.. and then bitching cause there wasnt more to take..
I once heard .. "well.. she wants the best." and...
No shit! what do you think i want!? .. second best.. f*that! and as i was striving to give my best ...they were striving to take my best.. and they did a very good job.. and whos fault is it?
mine..
i was not in love with the actual person.. i was in love with what i wished they would be.. alas.. wishes seldom come tru.. and im glad i didnt waste a wish on them.. GOD knows i already wasted thoughts, love and heartache on them.. one thing they definitely dont deserve from me anymore is my time.
i spent the last year trying to forget they were alive.. living in the world i was living in.. why is GODs name would i want to make them a part of anything in my life?
especially my friend!?!? i only have a select few friends..
trust me the only thing our convo was supposed to be the other night was a thoughtful and loving GOODBYE. tell your mom i love her to death and your dad i wear his guitar strap always.. and will have it for just as long..
well aside from the sugar coated world and dilusions of grandure you live in.. get over yourself.. please do us all a favor.. you are loved yes.. but aside from your family ...the only ones that love you are those that pity you and can ignore your bullshit.. :) LOL..
if you dont have the balls to talk to me about it cause you know its not what you wanna hear.. ill tell you in here cause i know you read it.. and you must think im some kinda stupid to believe that you didnt know the answers to the bullshit questions you were asking me the other day..
you dont know me.. you said it yourself..
leanne!? are you kidding me.. you must be crazy.. and not a lil bit.. 110%.. but you hide behind all your superficial bullshit.. no wonder you live by yourself.. no one can put up with your lies, deceit....and by the way... your pretty lil face isnt gonna get you shit for much longer.. so find some schmuck that is gonna pine over you.. some puppet you can control.. like micheal.. that poor hapless bastard.. i feel for him.. i would just love to smack him in the head and tell him to wake the fuck up.. and realize that you are a selfish egotistical money hungry self serving bitch.. pretty much :)
and trust me im not mad right now.. actually.. the truth feels so good..
like a cool side of a blanket on a real hot night.. its my solace...
breath in the truth... ahhh.. taste so good :)
See...its what happens when someone is self indulged.. has selective sight, thinks the world revolves around them... selfish.. you know those kind of people.. the kind that walk out of your life... and chain their door behind them cause the main thing they are afraid of is trust.. and that everyone is out to get them..
for the last year.. trust me.. i have not been pining over the loss of something that i just wasnt strong enough to throw away myself..
yes there was a grieving period.. but that turned into a realization period.. where i finally saw all the sacrifices i had made and all the taking that the other party was doing..
i was giving giving giving and i was just getting shit cause i wasnt giving enough.. while on the other side of the fence they were taking taking taking.. and then bitching cause there wasnt more to take..
I once heard .. "well.. she wants the best." and...
No shit! what do you think i want!? .. second best.. f*that! and as i was striving to give my best ...they were striving to take my best.. and they did a very good job.. and whos fault is it?
mine..
i was not in love with the actual person.. i was in love with what i wished they would be.. alas.. wishes seldom come tru.. and im glad i didnt waste a wish on them.. GOD knows i already wasted thoughts, love and heartache on them.. one thing they definitely dont deserve from me anymore is my time.
i spent the last year trying to forget they were alive.. living in the world i was living in.. why is GODs name would i want to make them a part of anything in my life?
especially my friend!?!? i only have a select few friends..
trust me the only thing our convo was supposed to be the other night was a thoughtful and loving GOODBYE. tell your mom i love her to death and your dad i wear his guitar strap always.. and will have it for just as long..
well aside from the sugar coated world and dilusions of grandure you live in.. get over yourself.. please do us all a favor.. you are loved yes.. but aside from your family ...the only ones that love you are those that pity you and can ignore your bullshit.. :) LOL..
if you dont have the balls to talk to me about it cause you know its not what you wanna hear.. ill tell you in here cause i know you read it.. and you must think im some kinda stupid to believe that you didnt know the answers to the bullshit questions you were asking me the other day..
you dont know me.. you said it yourself..
leanne!? are you kidding me.. you must be crazy.. and not a lil bit.. 110%.. but you hide behind all your superficial bullshit.. no wonder you live by yourself.. no one can put up with your lies, deceit....and by the way... your pretty lil face isnt gonna get you shit for much longer.. so find some schmuck that is gonna pine over you.. some puppet you can control.. like micheal.. that poor hapless bastard.. i feel for him.. i would just love to smack him in the head and tell him to wake the fuck up.. and realize that you are a selfish egotistical money hungry self serving bitch.. pretty much :)
and trust me im not mad right now.. actually.. the truth feels so good..
like a cool side of a blanket on a real hot night.. its my solace...
breath in the truth... ahhh.. taste so good :)
Thursday, March 17, 2005
rage
there is a rage inside of me that i cannot explain.. a power that can be summoned with the right thoughts in a sequence that i keep very complex so bringing this rage to light becomes extremely difficult..
and when i say rage.. i dont mean rage..
if you want to feel the rage i have.. take every ounce of energy you have.. and a very very deep breath.... stand up.. grab a hold of something and with the most rageful hatred you can muster scream as loud as possible for the longest period of time.. until your head becomes light and your vision starts to flicker.. your balance starts to sway... and the only thing holding you up is whatever youre holding onto.. thats MY rage...
i was misunderstood last night apparently..
i was a gentleman.. and my words were misinterrpreted..
you dont want the same thing i want.. well thats a good thing..
cause what i want isnt a good thing.. is a shitty thing..
but you think i want you in my life.. for good or not at all...
and you have it all wrong..
there will only be a not at all..
all i was doing was giving you the common courtesy of a responce because the last time we talked on the phone feb 13th 2004.. i did not give you such a courtesy... you wanted to tell me your side of the story and i didnt want to hear it...
now you have misconstrued my words.. and you think i want something from you..
well youre right.. i do want something from you.. but i gaurantee you dont know what it is..
i had loving words to say to you.. just wanted to let you know how i feel..
but please dont miss the main point of our convo..
"i am sticking to my word."
i told you a long time ago.. if you ever did anything like that to me again.. you would be nothing to me..
and...
i am sticking to my word..
thats what i said last night.. among very loving things.. but i still have very loving emotions for you.. however i dont trust you.. and i know i can never trust you.. especially with my heart.. so depite what my heart is telling me.. my head will never let me fall into you again..
and this time.. its not an option..
here i am again misunderstood by the only person i ever wanted to understand me..
out
and when i say rage.. i dont mean rage..
if you want to feel the rage i have.. take every ounce of energy you have.. and a very very deep breath.... stand up.. grab a hold of something and with the most rageful hatred you can muster scream as loud as possible for the longest period of time.. until your head becomes light and your vision starts to flicker.. your balance starts to sway... and the only thing holding you up is whatever youre holding onto.. thats MY rage...
i was misunderstood last night apparently..
i was a gentleman.. and my words were misinterrpreted..
you dont want the same thing i want.. well thats a good thing..
cause what i want isnt a good thing.. is a shitty thing..
but you think i want you in my life.. for good or not at all...
and you have it all wrong..
there will only be a not at all..
all i was doing was giving you the common courtesy of a responce because the last time we talked on the phone feb 13th 2004.. i did not give you such a courtesy... you wanted to tell me your side of the story and i didnt want to hear it...
now you have misconstrued my words.. and you think i want something from you..
well youre right.. i do want something from you.. but i gaurantee you dont know what it is..
i had loving words to say to you.. just wanted to let you know how i feel..
but please dont miss the main point of our convo..
"i am sticking to my word."
i told you a long time ago.. if you ever did anything like that to me again.. you would be nothing to me..
and...
i am sticking to my word..
thats what i said last night.. among very loving things.. but i still have very loving emotions for you.. however i dont trust you.. and i know i can never trust you.. especially with my heart.. so depite what my heart is telling me.. my head will never let me fall into you again..
and this time.. its not an option..
here i am again misunderstood by the only person i ever wanted to understand me..
out
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
NOW THOSE ARE GOOD FRIENDS
So last night on the way home from work...very hungry... and angey worked last night.. shes definitely one of my best friends.. and i knew that before this story... i guess it was about 10:30.. im thinkin to myself.. "satisfying sigh.. ahhhh, a couple of hours alone.. gonna chill... clean the kitchen, resolve the carpets.. get the house all straightened up.. put a lil music on.. and just enjoy it..
*note for those of you that dont know.. thats my stress reliever.. cleaning.. yes i said cleaning. and no i will not clean your house*
so back to the story..
i was about 30 minutes from my house... halfway down Grant almost to bowen...
and it hit me..
i didnt have my key... i had given to to garrett so he could lock up when he left for work...
*note: i always have poeple over the house.. and garrett was still crashed out with his makeshift bed around 3:30 when i had to bounce.. and no garrett wont stay over your house.*
So....
im driving up and realize that not only do i not have my key... but like i said before no one is home /which is rare/ and now i just remembered, that the night of the Liquid Cellar show... I made sure to lock all my windows!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!
Son of a bitch!! mother f&^*! assclown bastard mother punks!!!! BAH!!!
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!
anyways.. so i walked around anyways and to my dismay noticed that every window was securley fastened...
*note:because when i do something i make sure to do it to the best of my ability.. so i knew they were friggin locked.. boo!
So... i sat on my front porch really frustrated that all these plans i just carefully concocted to follow as soon as i walked through the door.. that are time sensitive.. will now NOT HAPPEN AT ALL!!!!
*note: boo.. thats a pet pieve of mine right there folks.. when i take an ample amount of time to plan something and it doesnt work out.. not when i dont get what i want... stfu.. when soemthing that i busted my ass for doesn't work out.. thats my pet pieve..
So.. i call garrett...hes 15 minutes away and on the way..so i have some time to kill... i call my mom back and chat with her for alittle bit and shes giving me sage like advice on how to avoid reaching down the throat of the next person that annoys me and grabbing there smaller intestine twisting it around my fist and jerking out quickly enough to remove all of their internal organs.. and hang them out their mouth... then light them on fire and scotch tape the guys eyes open so for his last few seconds in his life he can realize that he shouldnt have done that..
*note: im a creative writer.. however i channel my energy i can focus everything on very discriptive imagery.. so please dont be alarmed i dont think i would ever do anything like that ;)
So.. i get off the phone garrett and brian get to the place.. we walk in.. garrett heads for the keg on the back of the porch howie heads for my room with his ear duct taped to his phone.. and i .. start implementing my master plan... of the evening..
i walked in the door and to my disbelief my entire house was just... FILFTHY!!!!
ahh.. i cant handle this..
*note: im either very very neat or clean.. havent figured it out yet*
So.. i get home and begin cleaning..
the vaccum wasnt working right, the presense of so much dirt was annoying me with every breath... i did have music on thank god.. and i was on the phone with justin while i was vaccuming yes:)
and actually i just put on some music.. just now 2:40 p.m. today.
Broken Bridge by Daughter Darling... lets see if my writing style changes.. experiement 2:40 pm
so the vacuum is not working its spitting dust everywhere..
all over the house.. driving me mad.. i look up.. garrett is drinkin some beer and doesnt really know what to do so he does what is in his nature to do and give me one of his patented open mouth smile he puts his left hand on his belly.. cause i have a stomach.. garrett has a belly.. with his pilsner in his right hand.. rocks forward on his toes and give me a silence one breath laugh.. which is garrett to a t.. :) i love that guy..
that was enough to put me over the edge.. and he meant nothing bad by it.. i had to walk outside.. but that was after i kinda accidentally maybe knocked over the vaccum with a little more energy than i needed to..
...maybe
*note: that vaccum has been drivin me nuts for ages!!!*
*note:so i was still on the phone with justin.... he had just sent me a really really really vibrant email:) lifted my spirits by the way.. about religion and GOD and it was really great :)
on the phone with im tryin not to snap and still sound relatively sane.. however he asked me how i was.. he thought i was.. i dunno.. i guess breathing hard.. but he replied.. with.."What are doin over there?" are you masterbating?"
lol.. i told him i was actually pretty pissed off and i was tryin to be as nice to him as possible but i had a million things on my mind and i couldnt calm down.. he did his best to help me out.. asked me if there was anything he could do to help me out in any way.. i just told him the best he could do is just lemme go so i can chill out and get everything done..
........now i just think i heard the words to that song i was listening to for the first time so this time imma read them.. brb 2:45
im back 2:28 jimmy just got hired at disney!!! F*^# yeah!
gone again 2:28.
so back to the story ...i walked outside.. at my whits end... on the phone with justin.. i was just so tired man.. of everything.. the band, work, not having money at all... a million things to do and i didnt feel like anyone in the world knew that i work so hard on everything i do.. i put 110% into everything i do.
so anyways... at my whits end.. ready to pretty much crack and i thought about two things.. one.. it wasnt garretts fault that he hadnt give me my key back.. and it wasnt mine that i didnt ask... there was no fault.. although earlier he stated it was mine...
so back inside..
*note: florida is a no fault state
i sent matt a text message.. told him that i had lost it.. was going to clean all night and i mean spic-n-span clean so that if he had to work the next morning.. i was listening to music and was gonna be up all night long.. so if he needed to sleep to probably goto bones..
almost sledge hammered the vaccum.....ran out of resolve.... ran out of swiffer dusters.. and only the 48 dollars i made at work to save my life.... so .. fixed the vaccum.. free.. that thing has like 1,010,987,645 filters..
bone wound up sneaking away.. i didnt even get a goodbye from him.. and brian came to let me know he was bouncing... cool.. lata brah :)
so off to walmart i go to get cleaning supplies..
oh yeah.. the only 3 isles in the entire store they had roped off were the cleaning isles that stated "No trespassing" and the again in Spanish.. "Im not gonna try it"... so.. that was annoying.. thanks..
somehow got what i needed...get out to the car quick trip to mcdonalds.. and Money calls..
1:23 a.m.
money: "where ya at bro?"
-at the second window of mcdonalds, havent eaten all day.
money: "already at the second?"
-yeah want me to drive back around to the first?
money: "no im cool."
-where you at
money: "at the place"
---He chose to come home to help me out.. up till about 3 we were.. then Money bounced to bed cause he had to work at 10.. thought i was talkin to money only at around 4 realized money was gone.. called to find out he went to bones didnt know he bounced to bones so for a few minutes i talked to know one..
stayed up til 7:30 gettin everything pretty much done.. looks great.. the place hasnt looked so good in months and months..
crashed.. turned the phone to silence put in "the rock" w/ nicholas cage and sean connery... passed out.. got up around 1:30p.m. hell yeah! about 2 oclock today.. im sitting at my computer and theres a knock at my door..
Mark Ross... Whats up budday!?
with a wave of his hand.. he asks that i come with him..
i walk outside.. and he has his van chrysler minivan parked kinda haphazardly in the parking spot closest to my front door..
*note: pimp ass ride by the way! do you know how much equipment we can fit in there!?!?*
So.. as he is sliding the door open.. says..
"someone said you were hungry... and didnt have any food.. so.. Sonya Angey and I through in for ya.."
Bags and Bags of PUBLIX goodies filled with whole grain goodness and milk and eggs and hot dogs and Lucky Charms and baked lasagna and bologna and HAM!
and mac-n- cheese and lean pockets!!! WHAAAAAAT!?!?..
Now Sonya saved me already by welcoming me back with Open Arms to Outback...
Angey has become one of my greatest friends ever in the history of the world and all great friends to everyone everywhere..
Mark is closer to me than a real brother i think..
Justin is my guardian angel...
Matt.. well like i said before.. hes my best buddy gaurdian angel as well...
so.. i decided to sit down and write about it..
how could i not..
3:19 pm.
scanning and editing..
3:40 Amy is.. well.. she sent me this song.. :) still istening to it..
time to eat :)
so to:
Sonya Malm
Angey Shepard
Mark Ross
Justin Mak
Matthew Collins
Thank you..
you made yesterday and today immaculte.
p.s. frosted mini wheat. 3:43 p.m.
*note for those of you that dont know.. thats my stress reliever.. cleaning.. yes i said cleaning. and no i will not clean your house*
so back to the story..
i was about 30 minutes from my house... halfway down Grant almost to bowen...
and it hit me..
i didnt have my key... i had given to to garrett so he could lock up when he left for work...
*note: i always have poeple over the house.. and garrett was still crashed out with his makeshift bed around 3:30 when i had to bounce.. and no garrett wont stay over your house.*
So....
im driving up and realize that not only do i not have my key... but like i said before no one is home /which is rare/ and now i just remembered, that the night of the Liquid Cellar show... I made sure to lock all my windows!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!
Son of a bitch!! mother f&^*! assclown bastard mother punks!!!! BAH!!!
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!
anyways.. so i walked around anyways and to my dismay noticed that every window was securley fastened...
*note:because when i do something i make sure to do it to the best of my ability.. so i knew they were friggin locked.. boo!
So... i sat on my front porch really frustrated that all these plans i just carefully concocted to follow as soon as i walked through the door.. that are time sensitive.. will now NOT HAPPEN AT ALL!!!!
*note: boo.. thats a pet pieve of mine right there folks.. when i take an ample amount of time to plan something and it doesnt work out.. not when i dont get what i want... stfu.. when soemthing that i busted my ass for doesn't work out.. thats my pet pieve..
So.. i call garrett...hes 15 minutes away and on the way..so i have some time to kill... i call my mom back and chat with her for alittle bit and shes giving me sage like advice on how to avoid reaching down the throat of the next person that annoys me and grabbing there smaller intestine twisting it around my fist and jerking out quickly enough to remove all of their internal organs.. and hang them out their mouth... then light them on fire and scotch tape the guys eyes open so for his last few seconds in his life he can realize that he shouldnt have done that..
*note: im a creative writer.. however i channel my energy i can focus everything on very discriptive imagery.. so please dont be alarmed i dont think i would ever do anything like that ;)
So.. i get off the phone garrett and brian get to the place.. we walk in.. garrett heads for the keg on the back of the porch howie heads for my room with his ear duct taped to his phone.. and i .. start implementing my master plan... of the evening..
i walked in the door and to my disbelief my entire house was just... FILFTHY!!!!
ahh.. i cant handle this..
*note: im either very very neat or clean.. havent figured it out yet*
So.. i get home and begin cleaning..
the vaccum wasnt working right, the presense of so much dirt was annoying me with every breath... i did have music on thank god.. and i was on the phone with justin while i was vaccuming yes:)
and actually i just put on some music.. just now 2:40 p.m. today.
Broken Bridge by Daughter Darling... lets see if my writing style changes.. experiement 2:40 pm
so the vacuum is not working its spitting dust everywhere..
all over the house.. driving me mad.. i look up.. garrett is drinkin some beer and doesnt really know what to do so he does what is in his nature to do and give me one of his patented open mouth smile he puts his left hand on his belly.. cause i have a stomach.. garrett has a belly.. with his pilsner in his right hand.. rocks forward on his toes and give me a silence one breath laugh.. which is garrett to a t.. :) i love that guy..
that was enough to put me over the edge.. and he meant nothing bad by it.. i had to walk outside.. but that was after i kinda accidentally maybe knocked over the vaccum with a little more energy than i needed to..
...maybe
*note: that vaccum has been drivin me nuts for ages!!!*
*note:so i was still on the phone with justin.... he had just sent me a really really really vibrant email:) lifted my spirits by the way.. about religion and GOD and it was really great :)
on the phone with im tryin not to snap and still sound relatively sane.. however he asked me how i was.. he thought i was.. i dunno.. i guess breathing hard.. but he replied.. with.."What are doin over there?" are you masterbating?"
lol.. i told him i was actually pretty pissed off and i was tryin to be as nice to him as possible but i had a million things on my mind and i couldnt calm down.. he did his best to help me out.. asked me if there was anything he could do to help me out in any way.. i just told him the best he could do is just lemme go so i can chill out and get everything done..
........now i just think i heard the words to that song i was listening to for the first time so this time imma read them.. brb 2:45
im back 2:28 jimmy just got hired at disney!!! F*^# yeah!
gone again 2:28.
so back to the story ...i walked outside.. at my whits end... on the phone with justin.. i was just so tired man.. of everything.. the band, work, not having money at all... a million things to do and i didnt feel like anyone in the world knew that i work so hard on everything i do.. i put 110% into everything i do.
so anyways... at my whits end.. ready to pretty much crack and i thought about two things.. one.. it wasnt garretts fault that he hadnt give me my key back.. and it wasnt mine that i didnt ask... there was no fault.. although earlier he stated it was mine...
so back inside..
*note: florida is a no fault state
i sent matt a text message.. told him that i had lost it.. was going to clean all night and i mean spic-n-span clean so that if he had to work the next morning.. i was listening to music and was gonna be up all night long.. so if he needed to sleep to probably goto bones..
almost sledge hammered the vaccum.....ran out of resolve.... ran out of swiffer dusters.. and only the 48 dollars i made at work to save my life.... so .. fixed the vaccum.. free.. that thing has like 1,010,987,645 filters..
bone wound up sneaking away.. i didnt even get a goodbye from him.. and brian came to let me know he was bouncing... cool.. lata brah :)
so off to walmart i go to get cleaning supplies..
oh yeah.. the only 3 isles in the entire store they had roped off were the cleaning isles that stated "No trespassing" and the again in Spanish.. "Im not gonna try it"... so.. that was annoying.. thanks..
somehow got what i needed...get out to the car quick trip to mcdonalds.. and Money calls..
1:23 a.m.
money: "where ya at bro?"
-at the second window of mcdonalds, havent eaten all day.
money: "already at the second?"
-yeah want me to drive back around to the first?
money: "no im cool."
-where you at
money: "at the place"
---He chose to come home to help me out.. up till about 3 we were.. then Money bounced to bed cause he had to work at 10.. thought i was talkin to money only at around 4 realized money was gone.. called to find out he went to bones didnt know he bounced to bones so for a few minutes i talked to know one..
stayed up til 7:30 gettin everything pretty much done.. looks great.. the place hasnt looked so good in months and months..
crashed.. turned the phone to silence put in "the rock" w/ nicholas cage and sean connery... passed out.. got up around 1:30p.m. hell yeah! about 2 oclock today.. im sitting at my computer and theres a knock at my door..
Mark Ross... Whats up budday!?
with a wave of his hand.. he asks that i come with him..
i walk outside.. and he has his van chrysler minivan parked kinda haphazardly in the parking spot closest to my front door..
*note: pimp ass ride by the way! do you know how much equipment we can fit in there!?!?*
So.. as he is sliding the door open.. says..
"someone said you were hungry... and didnt have any food.. so.. Sonya Angey and I through in for ya.."
Bags and Bags of PUBLIX goodies filled with whole grain goodness and milk and eggs and hot dogs and Lucky Charms and baked lasagna and bologna and HAM!
and mac-n- cheese and lean pockets!!! WHAAAAAAT!?!?..
Now Sonya saved me already by welcoming me back with Open Arms to Outback...
Angey has become one of my greatest friends ever in the history of the world and all great friends to everyone everywhere..
Mark is closer to me than a real brother i think..
Justin is my guardian angel...
Matt.. well like i said before.. hes my best buddy gaurdian angel as well...
so.. i decided to sit down and write about it..
how could i not..
3:19 pm.
scanning and editing..
3:40 Amy is.. well.. she sent me this song.. :) still istening to it..
time to eat :)
so to:
Sonya Malm
Angey Shepard
Mark Ross
Justin Mak
Matthew Collins
Thank you..
you made yesterday and today immaculte.
p.s. frosted mini wheat. 3:43 p.m.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
------------Frosted Mini Wheat
mysterious equations...
so there was a time not too long ago that i would find myself with a few seconds of neutrality.. in between loading pictures and waiting for the carpet deoderizer to settle before i could do anything..
and in that few seconds... i could truly acknowledge where i am in my life.. without anything distracting me.. i could just take a step back and get a good look of whats going on..
now... in that period of neutrality.. i find myself smiling a lot more.. thinking more clearly and feeling much more at peace. life is a bit easier to deal with when there is someone that floods my heart with waves of comfort with just a thought or a few simple words..
..so if the world ended now i would go understanding that there is always someone in the world to amaze me, excite me.. suprise me... and teach me that although i believed i had the confusing equation of love figured out..
i am just a student...
Saturday, January 15, 2005
!!!Ooooooog ew ereh dna
flickerstick was..
was..enlightening, inspirational,... and pretty wasted the entire show.
passed the jagermeister, smoked some stogs.. and rocked inside-out..
and i must say..
for those of you that know The McGee.. first of all thank you.. so very very much.. and second of all..
i used to try to seperate this blog from the band.. i just didnt want to constantly be talking about the band.. figured it would drive people nuts..
well i say.. nuts to that!
you dont wanna read anything about the band.. close the window now cause imma talkin.
FMY Studios 22nd 23rd of Jan
Howie relocates to O-tizzi
Chubbys in tallahassee on the 27th of Jan
this is the big one..
BackBooth in Orlando downtown on the 3rd of March..
Emergenza Festival..
Bands from all over the world are competing in this Battle-Royell..
92 bands from orlando . 92 from tampa - over 150 from chigaco seattle washington new york boston... etc etc..
playing in..
1st battle orlando
2nd battle orlando
3rd battle tampa
4th battle atlanta
GERMANY!!!
only way The McGee will be pimpin the VW busses is if we can get the very kick ass fans we have to lend us a hand.. and thats exactly what i mean...
by a vote of hands the judges will determine who advances and who goes home.. and who shakes hands with the makers of jager..
now that is my personal fav..
so come check out some shows.. we're in tally just a few days after were in tampa and we're lookin at gainesville the following day(s) for a comin back to orlando tour..
so we havent even scratched the surface yet when it comes to the strength of the band.. and keep an eye out..
cause im not gonna let it be anything but amazing.... and the only way i can do that is because i play with some of the best musicians on the face of the earth..
smilinmcgee.com
~time for lucky charms... 5:14 am! yes...
was..enlightening, inspirational,... and pretty wasted the entire show.
passed the jagermeister, smoked some stogs.. and rocked inside-out..
and i must say..
for those of you that know The McGee.. first of all thank you.. so very very much.. and second of all..
i used to try to seperate this blog from the band.. i just didnt want to constantly be talking about the band.. figured it would drive people nuts..
well i say.. nuts to that!
you dont wanna read anything about the band.. close the window now cause imma talkin.
FMY Studios 22nd 23rd of Jan
Howie relocates to O-tizzi
Chubbys in tallahassee on the 27th of Jan
this is the big one..
BackBooth in Orlando downtown on the 3rd of March..
Emergenza Festival..
Bands from all over the world are competing in this Battle-Royell..
92 bands from orlando . 92 from tampa - over 150 from chigaco seattle washington new york boston... etc etc..
playing in..
1st battle orlando
2nd battle orlando
3rd battle tampa
4th battle atlanta
GERMANY!!!
only way The McGee will be pimpin the VW busses is if we can get the very kick ass fans we have to lend us a hand.. and thats exactly what i mean...
by a vote of hands the judges will determine who advances and who goes home.. and who shakes hands with the makers of jager..
now that is my personal fav..
so come check out some shows.. we're in tally just a few days after were in tampa and we're lookin at gainesville the following day(s) for a comin back to orlando tour..
so we havent even scratched the surface yet when it comes to the strength of the band.. and keep an eye out..
cause im not gonna let it be anything but amazing.... and the only way i can do that is because i play with some of the best musicians on the face of the earth..
smilinmcgee.com
~time for lucky charms... 5:14 am! yes...
Thursday, January 13, 2005
The Last Hoorah!
So i guess its like graduating from.. well.. anything...
lets take college for example.. now i know its been a few years since i graduated but i still remember the BS i had to go through to get to walk that walk..
last minutes spent in my advisors office making sure all the credits matched up.. financial aid to make sure every last penny was taken care of..
make sure all the courses are takin care of.. ordering that damn cap n gown.. turnin in last minute books and scrapin together the last few cents i have to wash and dry my one good shirt that didnt have Greek Letters on it...
and then.. the next thing i know..
--"William Floyd with a Bachelors of Science in the field of Computer Information Systems."
and those several and very memorable steps across the stage to be handed by the president of the university a rolled up piece of paper that lets the world know..
i did it. i finished. all the way through.. and in 4 years too.. and oh the things i took from that experience.. the laughs, tears, times i was so pissed off at the world and that didnt negate the fact that i had my M.I.S. and Computer Theory Projects due at the same time.. both spanning about 45 - 50 pages.. Business Management and Micro-management, and of course those damn cornerstone classes.. boo.
and i always had some drama with the fraternity. of course. it never ends..
however.. after those steps, a shake of the hand of Dr. Kirk, A lil flash of the camera and a few more steps and i was Gooooooooooooone baby!
good times..
but.. just a few days before and the days leading up to it.. well.. it was hell.. timing was everything and i think i made it with about 1/56th of a friggin chance in heaven.. but i made it..
so here we are.. jan 13th 5:36 pm 2005.. just a few hours till the flickerstick concert...and hear i am.. on the virge of.. something.. i can feel it in my bones.
not sure what it is... but im definitely excited. not sure if its the good kind of excitement either but ill be sure to post when i get back.
fill you in on anything remotely interesting that happens..
till then..
this is B-stilios signin off..
www.smilinmcgee.com
www.billyfloyd.com
thursday Jan 27th Chubby's in Tallahassee check it out mein!
i'm almost over.
lets take college for example.. now i know its been a few years since i graduated but i still remember the BS i had to go through to get to walk that walk..
last minutes spent in my advisors office making sure all the credits matched up.. financial aid to make sure every last penny was taken care of..
make sure all the courses are takin care of.. ordering that damn cap n gown.. turnin in last minute books and scrapin together the last few cents i have to wash and dry my one good shirt that didnt have Greek Letters on it...
and then.. the next thing i know..
--"William Floyd with a Bachelors of Science in the field of Computer Information Systems."
and those several and very memorable steps across the stage to be handed by the president of the university a rolled up piece of paper that lets the world know..
i did it. i finished. all the way through.. and in 4 years too.. and oh the things i took from that experience.. the laughs, tears, times i was so pissed off at the world and that didnt negate the fact that i had my M.I.S. and Computer Theory Projects due at the same time.. both spanning about 45 - 50 pages.. Business Management and Micro-management, and of course those damn cornerstone classes.. boo.
and i always had some drama with the fraternity. of course. it never ends..
however.. after those steps, a shake of the hand of Dr. Kirk, A lil flash of the camera and a few more steps and i was Gooooooooooooone baby!
good times..
but.. just a few days before and the days leading up to it.. well.. it was hell.. timing was everything and i think i made it with about 1/56th of a friggin chance in heaven.. but i made it..
so here we are.. jan 13th 5:36 pm 2005.. just a few hours till the flickerstick concert...and hear i am.. on the virge of.. something.. i can feel it in my bones.
not sure what it is... but im definitely excited. not sure if its the good kind of excitement either but ill be sure to post when i get back.
fill you in on anything remotely interesting that happens..
till then..
this is B-stilios signin off..
www.smilinmcgee.com
www.billyfloyd.com
thursday Jan 27th Chubby's in Tallahassee check it out mein!
i'm almost over.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
peace at last but not for too long..
so.. here i am.. alone at last. i have to say i am a bit of a social butterfly but usually i keep my wings inside my own doors and it's the other butterflies that come to enjoy themselves...
just got back from dinner with a friend... fellow musician.. and i have to say the details of a conversation held with another musician in unlike the details of any other conversation. guess that the mindset of one musician is not always similar but may contains several similar attributes allowing for easy and understanable flow of information...
most conversations i have with most people involves about 15% talking and 85% explaining what im talking about. If i could just communicate with someone that understood what i was saying without me having to explain myself over and over again.. we would exchange much more interesting data.
however i have only seem to find that attribute in one person and they arent even in this state.. alas.. the internet.. has done so many great things for us.. including making the world very very small...
now people from budapedst and northern california are buddies.. friend even.. and sometimes.. even bound together in wedlock. wow
without the internet do you really think that jimbob from bumsville, idaho and natalia from kratzlakistan, russia were gonna meet at the starbucks on wall st. at 3:45 this sunday afternoon if it wasn't for the internet...
maybe..
fate and destiny play an interesting role in life.. not saying that fate and destiny exist or even if they do, that they control 100% of lifes choices... but its interesting for me to think about.
so.. like i said not for too long..
money just stumbled in tossed a small faced five to me and the next thing i hear is a door closing...
interesting.
so...
i was in an interesting mind state last night and decided that i could get away with sitting on the couch without getting too much 'ish for it by trying to relax every muscle in my body starting with my toes and ending at my eyebrows and using that as my excuse..
it worked.. nicely and it took a lil more concentration than i presumed. of course after i relax all my muscles its time to relax my mind.. this is one of those mind over matter things...
so whats the point?
whats is all mean bazzle!?
this thing that we've been thrown into.. and expected to not only stay afloat but to swim.. and not only swim but to dive. and with 3.7 billion other people. doesnt that mean we're expendable.. i mean.. we're only 1 of 3.7 billion.. thats three billion, seven hundred million... 3,700,000,000 but that doesnt seem like a lot.. so lets take off one number and see the drastic effect it has...
3,699,999,999..
three billion, six hundred and ninety-nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundrend and ninety-nine.. whew..
that seems like a bigger number to me than 3,700,000,000.. but its not.. so onto the next topic..
what is the big picture? what are we here to do? more importantly.. what am i here to do? thats a rhetorical question. i guess figuring that out is a one way ticket to somewhere else .. cause im sure as soon as you figure out the answer...thats it... youre promoted.
and i dont wanna go anywhere so imma stop talkin about it...
so serving has its goods.. and i have to say it has more goods than bads.. working at AOL was bad bad bad bad bad bad semibad... and more bad..
the only good thing was is that i wasnt the only one that hated that job... misery enjoys company...
and i was the company.. AOL was the misery.. and i left that crap job on the sidewalk. and for a significant cut in money and an imeasurable jump in happiness i sit here today.. leading my life with words and a blue guitar named gloria..
and im not sure where its gonna take me.. not sure if we'll be lucky enough to make it to the big show.. whatever that may be..
i am confident that we are going to succeed. but i do not know that we are..
the biggest fuel i have now is my belief in it. i believe we are going to succeed.. and whatever form of success i encounter, i will do my best to appreciate it.
and i receive the most feedback from the people that have no friggin clue what they are talking about..
most dont know why i do what i do.. some people may have an idea.. some people couldnt care less.. and those are usually the naysayers.. people that have seen failure before and think its contagious.. no no no.. wrong..
failure is not contagious.. its an option.
if i dont want to fail.. i never give up.
just because i dont fail doesnt mean i succeed. it means that i dont fail.
if i never give up.. i wont fail. however for me.. thats not good enough..
anyone can not fail.. its the successful ones that i wanna share a bottle of wine with.
success is a mindset, a belief system, a choice.
so before you start going to the gym, or you start that new fancy shmancy diet that the general public has been sweapt up in.. make sure youre actually going to go through with it before you waste your time energy and money on it..
i mean..sure.. i guess experiencing some is better than experiencing none.. as long as that was my purpose. but i dont wanna just experience music, guitar riffs, lyrics, notes, walkdowns, build ups, bridges, octaves, fifths, power chords, harmonys, pre chorus, alternate melodies, out of tune, dead betteries, wireless guitar systems, songs that make me cry, songs that remind me about my past, songs i can fall asleep to,... i dont wanna experience these things.. i wanna live those things.. eat and breathe those things.. cause without the dead batteries in a flange pedal or a D string that constantly finds itself outta tune.. i wouldnt be able to appreciate the times that we dont have dead batteries or when every string is in perfect tune..
good times..
musical samurai...
and on that note.. imma bounce..
talk at you soon.
`b`stilios out
just got back from dinner with a friend... fellow musician.. and i have to say the details of a conversation held with another musician in unlike the details of any other conversation. guess that the mindset of one musician is not always similar but may contains several similar attributes allowing for easy and understanable flow of information...
most conversations i have with most people involves about 15% talking and 85% explaining what im talking about. If i could just communicate with someone that understood what i was saying without me having to explain myself over and over again.. we would exchange much more interesting data.
however i have only seem to find that attribute in one person and they arent even in this state.. alas.. the internet.. has done so many great things for us.. including making the world very very small...
now people from budapedst and northern california are buddies.. friend even.. and sometimes.. even bound together in wedlock. wow
without the internet do you really think that jimbob from bumsville, idaho and natalia from kratzlakistan, russia were gonna meet at the starbucks on wall st. at 3:45 this sunday afternoon if it wasn't for the internet...
maybe..
fate and destiny play an interesting role in life.. not saying that fate and destiny exist or even if they do, that they control 100% of lifes choices... but its interesting for me to think about.
so.. like i said not for too long..
money just stumbled in tossed a small faced five to me and the next thing i hear is a door closing...
interesting.
so...
i was in an interesting mind state last night and decided that i could get away with sitting on the couch without getting too much 'ish for it by trying to relax every muscle in my body starting with my toes and ending at my eyebrows and using that as my excuse..
it worked.. nicely and it took a lil more concentration than i presumed. of course after i relax all my muscles its time to relax my mind.. this is one of those mind over matter things...
so whats the point?
whats is all mean bazzle!?
this thing that we've been thrown into.. and expected to not only stay afloat but to swim.. and not only swim but to dive. and with 3.7 billion other people. doesnt that mean we're expendable.. i mean.. we're only 1 of 3.7 billion.. thats three billion, seven hundred million... 3,700,000,000 but that doesnt seem like a lot.. so lets take off one number and see the drastic effect it has...
3,699,999,999..
three billion, six hundred and ninety-nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundrend and ninety-nine.. whew..
that seems like a bigger number to me than 3,700,000,000.. but its not.. so onto the next topic..
what is the big picture? what are we here to do? more importantly.. what am i here to do? thats a rhetorical question. i guess figuring that out is a one way ticket to somewhere else .. cause im sure as soon as you figure out the answer...thats it... youre promoted.
and i dont wanna go anywhere so imma stop talkin about it...
so serving has its goods.. and i have to say it has more goods than bads.. working at AOL was bad bad bad bad bad bad semibad... and more bad..
the only good thing was is that i wasnt the only one that hated that job... misery enjoys company...
and i was the company.. AOL was the misery.. and i left that crap job on the sidewalk. and for a significant cut in money and an imeasurable jump in happiness i sit here today.. leading my life with words and a blue guitar named gloria..
and im not sure where its gonna take me.. not sure if we'll be lucky enough to make it to the big show.. whatever that may be..
i am confident that we are going to succeed. but i do not know that we are..
the biggest fuel i have now is my belief in it. i believe we are going to succeed.. and whatever form of success i encounter, i will do my best to appreciate it.
and i receive the most feedback from the people that have no friggin clue what they are talking about..
most dont know why i do what i do.. some people may have an idea.. some people couldnt care less.. and those are usually the naysayers.. people that have seen failure before and think its contagious.. no no no.. wrong..
failure is not contagious.. its an option.
if i dont want to fail.. i never give up.
just because i dont fail doesnt mean i succeed. it means that i dont fail.
if i never give up.. i wont fail. however for me.. thats not good enough..
anyone can not fail.. its the successful ones that i wanna share a bottle of wine with.
success is a mindset, a belief system, a choice.
so before you start going to the gym, or you start that new fancy shmancy diet that the general public has been sweapt up in.. make sure youre actually going to go through with it before you waste your time energy and money on it..
i mean..sure.. i guess experiencing some is better than experiencing none.. as long as that was my purpose. but i dont wanna just experience music, guitar riffs, lyrics, notes, walkdowns, build ups, bridges, octaves, fifths, power chords, harmonys, pre chorus, alternate melodies, out of tune, dead betteries, wireless guitar systems, songs that make me cry, songs that remind me about my past, songs i can fall asleep to,... i dont wanna experience these things.. i wanna live those things.. eat and breathe those things.. cause without the dead batteries in a flange pedal or a D string that constantly finds itself outta tune.. i wouldnt be able to appreciate the times that we dont have dead batteries or when every string is in perfect tune..
good times..
musical samurai...
and on that note.. imma bounce..
talk at you soon.
`b`stilios out
Friday, January 07, 2005
Motorcycle drive by!!!! HOLY $*!T!!!
okay.. inspiration only happens in short short short doses and it gets smaller and smaller if you are a writer...
but i just had a great one!!!
i think..
motocycle drive by is playing.. "on the water...alone"... i actually wrote that as it was sung... so now youre in my timing....
"annnnnnnd i never been so alive" and i wrote that in timing too... so now you can compare and contrast...
so i just had a conversation with a very good friend of mine..
we have been friends for years a while now.. and it was always... kinda weird.. but still okay.. then it was bad then it was good - then great.. then non existant.. and after that it was gone...
even in each others presence we would not even see each other.. and it was because of bullshit anyways... shit that neither of us had control of...
so time passes fast forward 2 years later... whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh...
okay... two years later... couple glasses of wine in.. and she says "i kinda want to kiss you" and im like thinking.. WTF.. huh!? are you.. really?!.. i mean... i uhhh... well.. i umm.. yea..no... may.. i dunno... what could happen here how ??? could this take effect in the rest of my life this decision right here what do i do how do i do it... shes asking and idunno what i want to say wha shit!!!! how do i answer do i kiss her do i not kiss her... how do i do it.. i mean i think ... i dunoo.. what do i do ... how do i act.. how when.. here? now?,,, i mean but!!!!!
...anyways...whew...
thats what i was thinking guys... that shit all up there... and all in a matter of an ((1/18th)) flip of a hummingbirds wing..
http://www.yesmag.bc.ca/Questions/Hummingbird.html
and do you know what i did...
i replied.. are you saying this to me or is it just because im the one standing here?
she says.. to you.
we walked and talked and i stood there... pondering.. what do i do when we get there... are we gonna shake hands... walk away.. what do i do...
so i take a moment... just a moment.. and i control my mind.. my imagination and i control my... well lets not get ahead of ourselves..
i imagined...
cool decemeber night.. seen each other at club.. we were dressed to impress and were very successful in that venture... eyes were passed along with hugs kisses and conversation... a lil dancing... some glasses of champagne.. then.. the wine...
and i have to say despite what a 25 year old musician (www.smilinmcgee.com) :)
lliving in the heart of orlando pursuing the dream he dreamt about in another dream... 2 times the dream... not just pursuing my dream but my friggin DREAMS DREAM!!!
thats crazy
anyways...
saw garden state yesterday... phenomenal..
okay back to the point at hand
i listened to heaven today like 5 damn times.. weird.. it was inducing an emotion i have not felt for quite some time... but it was.. different i guess...
anyways
i prefer wine over anything.
so... the wine...
one glass..two glass.. three glass...
door... goodbyes....car... nighttime... cool time... tipsy... told that she kinda wanted to kiss me.. so i took every ounce of energy and imagine all the way up to that point and mid sentence...she was silence as i took her... i just ... stole her from her footsteps and encompassed her with one of the most passionate kisses i could give to a person that have never kissed before...
thats pretty passionate damnit!
so...... whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
fast forward to tonight at
SuchAndSuchName (12:40:16 AM) ....."and we can just be friends"
so i guess i'm kinda bummed.. i think that would have really fun.
dammit lost snorter! she makes me laugh...
okay back to the task at hand
i just experienced the end of an era that never started..
and it was a mature decision.. WTF!?!?
I dont wanna be mature.. thats for weakling... fraidy cats... thats the fear factor you hapless scared bastards! being mature.. having a "real job"... you wanna "real job" and "real career" sure go ahead.. leaves the pursuits of understanding for the ones that arent scared... that arent afraid to pursue the unsure thing... you think pursuing money will not only bring you wealth but satisfaction too?! hah! sucks for you.. what would you have done if you existed before there was a form of currency... would you want power!? okay fine... you want power... great...
lets see what happens...
we'll give you a machine to make money... legal money for anywhere in the world, plates... ink.. everything you would need to make it .. everything. and you are making money left and right in all forms... coins and bills and trinkets and tokens... and tickets and teeth... buffalo skins... sheep.. whatever
and we'll give you an ax and some trees.. and a tent and some water.. and electricity and a huge plasma screen and the fastest car and a machine to make machines to build buildings and rockets and houses and clothes of every style.. and.. whew.. i think thats enough
right? right.
hope youre happy...
maturity...
what happened to the days where i just wanted to play with my new gi joes..
transformers watching knight rider and airwolf and todays special on nickelodeon.. watchin orioles baseball.. damnit growin up sucks... but its not the growin up... its the growing SCARED!!!!
Wake up bitches! dont be afraid to chase the unsure thing... you know what?! run after that bastard with a powered rocket from ACME... you now what!? even better... dont chase the unsure thing... CHASE THE THING THATS JUST GONNA FALL TO PIECES IN YOUR HANDS.. that you know is just gonna suck ass!
and if you try hard enough... it will one day... be a beautiful thing.
trust me... im doin it.
ive been to the corporate fields and i didnt like what i saw...
which was rich, nice car drivin assholes..
that were so possessed by money they couldnt enjoy a beautiful walk on a beautiful night with a beautiful person cause even then.. it was all about money.
i personally hate it and this is from a person that doesnt hate anything... but just found something..
...for the moment anyways...
but we need it...
dont we?
so im on the artistic side now..
livin tight..
i havent eaten all day and its 139 am on friday jan 7th and im talkin bout the 6th...
so... its time for skibby to and get a plate of baked ziti thanks to carl and kelly and watch moulin rouge.
dont be afraid.
jammed on a song [[ written on (Monday, July 26, 2004, 3:26:18 PM) ]] for a bit... glad i could remember it and then play it back :)
....bout 3/4 of the way in...
but when you slip into the night
and kisses take you by surpise
and you dreams your reality
and you dont wanna wakin up....
good times
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's PASTA TIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!
stilios out...
jan27th chubbys in tallahassee
http://www.chubbys.cc/
1:57am
but i just had a great one!!!
i think..
motocycle drive by is playing.. "on the water...alone"... i actually wrote that as it was sung... so now youre in my timing....
"annnnnnnd i never been so alive" and i wrote that in timing too... so now you can compare and contrast...
so i just had a conversation with a very good friend of mine..
we have been friends for years a while now.. and it was always... kinda weird.. but still okay.. then it was bad then it was good - then great.. then non existant.. and after that it was gone...
even in each others presence we would not even see each other.. and it was because of bullshit anyways... shit that neither of us had control of...
so time passes fast forward 2 years later... whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh...
okay... two years later... couple glasses of wine in.. and she says "i kinda want to kiss you" and im like thinking.. WTF.. huh!? are you.. really?!.. i mean... i uhhh... well.. i umm.. yea..no... may.. i dunno... what could happen here how ??? could this take effect in the rest of my life this decision right here what do i do how do i do it... shes asking and idunno what i want to say wha shit!!!! how do i answer do i kiss her do i not kiss her... how do i do it.. i mean i think ... i dunoo.. what do i do ... how do i act.. how when.. here? now?,,, i mean but!!!!!
...anyways...whew...
thats what i was thinking guys... that shit all up there... and all in a matter of an ((1/18th)) flip of a hummingbirds wing..
http://www.yesmag.bc.ca/Questions/Hummingbird.html
and do you know what i did...
i replied.. are you saying this to me or is it just because im the one standing here?
she says.. to you.
we walked and talked and i stood there... pondering.. what do i do when we get there... are we gonna shake hands... walk away.. what do i do...
so i take a moment... just a moment.. and i control my mind.. my imagination and i control my... well lets not get ahead of ourselves..
i imagined...
cool decemeber night.. seen each other at club.. we were dressed to impress and were very successful in that venture... eyes were passed along with hugs kisses and conversation... a lil dancing... some glasses of champagne.. then.. the wine...
and i have to say despite what a 25 year old musician (www.smilinmcgee.com) :)
lliving in the heart of orlando pursuing the dream he dreamt about in another dream... 2 times the dream... not just pursuing my dream but my friggin DREAMS DREAM!!!
thats crazy
anyways...
saw garden state yesterday... phenomenal..
okay back to the point at hand
i listened to heaven today like 5 damn times.. weird.. it was inducing an emotion i have not felt for quite some time... but it was.. different i guess...
anyways
i prefer wine over anything.
so... the wine...
one glass..two glass.. three glass...
door... goodbyes....car... nighttime... cool time... tipsy... told that she kinda wanted to kiss me.. so i took every ounce of energy and imagine all the way up to that point and mid sentence...she was silence as i took her... i just ... stole her from her footsteps and encompassed her with one of the most passionate kisses i could give to a person that have never kissed before...
thats pretty passionate damnit!
so...... whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
fast forward to tonight at
SuchAndSuchName (12:40:16 AM) ....."and we can just be friends"
so i guess i'm kinda bummed.. i think that would have really fun.
dammit lost snorter! she makes me laugh...
okay back to the task at hand
i just experienced the end of an era that never started..
and it was a mature decision.. WTF!?!?
I dont wanna be mature.. thats for weakling... fraidy cats... thats the fear factor you hapless scared bastards! being mature.. having a "real job"... you wanna "real job" and "real career" sure go ahead.. leaves the pursuits of understanding for the ones that arent scared... that arent afraid to pursue the unsure thing... you think pursuing money will not only bring you wealth but satisfaction too?! hah! sucks for you.. what would you have done if you existed before there was a form of currency... would you want power!? okay fine... you want power... great...
lets see what happens...
we'll give you a machine to make money... legal money for anywhere in the world, plates... ink.. everything you would need to make it .. everything. and you are making money left and right in all forms... coins and bills and trinkets and tokens... and tickets and teeth... buffalo skins... sheep.. whatever
and we'll give you an ax and some trees.. and a tent and some water.. and electricity and a huge plasma screen and the fastest car and a machine to make machines to build buildings and rockets and houses and clothes of every style.. and.. whew.. i think thats enough
right? right.
hope youre happy...
maturity...
what happened to the days where i just wanted to play with my new gi joes..
transformers watching knight rider and airwolf and todays special on nickelodeon.. watchin orioles baseball.. damnit growin up sucks... but its not the growin up... its the growing SCARED!!!!
Wake up bitches! dont be afraid to chase the unsure thing... you know what?! run after that bastard with a powered rocket from ACME... you now what!? even better... dont chase the unsure thing... CHASE THE THING THATS JUST GONNA FALL TO PIECES IN YOUR HANDS.. that you know is just gonna suck ass!
and if you try hard enough... it will one day... be a beautiful thing.
trust me... im doin it.
ive been to the corporate fields and i didnt like what i saw...
which was rich, nice car drivin assholes..
that were so possessed by money they couldnt enjoy a beautiful walk on a beautiful night with a beautiful person cause even then.. it was all about money.
i personally hate it and this is from a person that doesnt hate anything... but just found something..
...for the moment anyways...
but we need it...
dont we?
so im on the artistic side now..
livin tight..
i havent eaten all day and its 139 am on friday jan 7th and im talkin bout the 6th...
so... its time for skibby to and get a plate of baked ziti thanks to carl and kelly and watch moulin rouge.
dont be afraid.
jammed on a song [[ written on (Monday, July 26, 2004, 3:26:18 PM) ]] for a bit... glad i could remember it and then play it back :)
....bout 3/4 of the way in...
but when you slip into the night
and kisses take you by surpise
and you dreams your reality
and you dont wanna wakin up....
good times
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's PASTA TIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!
stilios out...
jan27th chubbys in tallahassee
http://www.chubbys.cc/
1:57am
Monday, December 20, 2004
bombarded and broken
So how do i start? What do i say?...
I read these lil proverbs all the time that tell people to do what they feel is right... to say whats in their heart.
as if its that easy...
there are consequences to those actions and sometimes the result is not what is needed... and it could actually be the opposite.. exactly what I do not need...
even though i fear and anticipate the next time i do see you.. what if, when i do see you... we will realize... well.. what if we dont receive what we think we will... what if?
where will it be, in some crowded market as i turn around because i forgot to grab bread while i was down that isle? maybe the one time i need to go to the other walmart cause this one doesnt have what i need... or will it just be in passing.. you going one way - me going the other... opposite directions on an escalator we cannot stop...
will it be years from now as i step onto the stairs of a movie theater in the heart of chicago... will it be tomorrow at a starbucks?
there have been many times that i was so very very close to saying maybe just one word... maybe many.. however i hold back.. because. well. im stubborn. i want to hold out longer.. then i try to justify my actions by our past. the doors i have opened for you,have been bombarded and broken... and as i tried to board them up... it was as if i was fighting the force of a thousand oceans...
many times i have read the quotes by famous writers.. the passages that make it seem so easy to drop words..not from my lips, but directly from my heart, my fears, my dreams...
why is it so hard? what am i afraid of? well in this case... everything.
i will say this..
-i apologize.
and a more comforting statement.... though i doubt you will ask for it...
and that is my forgiveness...
-i forgive you.
out of sight / out of mind only works for so long...
and though i may be the farthest thing from your daily thoughts.. i cannot deny the fact that you are in mine. and in this i state my inner most emotions that come to life as i type them...
its hard to imagine. everything.
while a small piece of my heart, despite my strength, still resides in memories i wish to forget, i find myself wondering in my subconscious thoughts...living in the past and imagining the future with my negative, my positive, the force that balances the power that i hold in this world...
if i was the dark. you would be...
We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
music keeps my heart and mind as close to the pain as possible... which makes me simultaneously stronger and weaker ...becoming both my greatest strength and my most destructive weakness...
so what if?... how?... what would i say?... how would i feel?
its as if a tiny tiny part of the puzzle is missing.. not even a whole piece but more importantly a vital piece of a whole piece and as much as most that read this will never and could never understand.... some of the most powerful things in the world receive disapproval, resentment and on occasion.. downright hatred...
but its not about them.. its not about anyone else... it never was
its about.. the untouchable unexplainable mystery that binds itself to splendor and brilliance...to confusion and clarity...
the gifts given that have no wrapping and sometimes have no sound... no surface to touch but only an idea to believe in... a hope that becomes a dream and a dream that becomes a memory...
memories paint pictures of the past where the negative was dressed up with beautiful colors and bashful curves lightening the appearance so the onlookers can marvel at it's presence..
Never close your lips to those whom you have opened your heart.
-- Charles Dickens
so i dont know the steps taken to miss something... do i have to miss certain things? a certain number of things... or maybe missing is not being able to miss it... maybe i miss missing you.. maybe i miss missing something and this really has nothing to do with you... maybe it has everything to do with you.
The only true gift is a portion of yourself.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
im tired of playing the games, flexing the stubborn muscles... who can hold out longer...
what was done has left a very dark, very red stain on my very soft, very perfect, white carpet...
and it cannot and will not be forgotten.. forgivess is one thing.. and its amazing how there are those that forget the bad... the hurtful and move on.. then out of the purple.. are filled with excitement and are overcome by a calmness not felt in quite some time...
the kind of calmness i feel as on a cold night i climb into bed, that warmth that fills the body from the inside out.. as that feathery soft quilt is pulled over my chilly body harnessing the heat and sending it straight to my heart.. laying my head on the inviting down pillow that comforts my entire soul, making the world a great place to be... and christmas the best time of year...
the feeling of home.. the feeling of happiness.. of home... the kind of warmth that has soft music playing in my head with the images of the future... of kisses under mistletoe.. of new years parties and nights spent in.. watching movies that not really about the movie but more the quiet ..spent with that person so the element of touch can be enjoyed without tainting it with words...
so back to my "what if" my "how" my "when" and "where" ...
what will i say? what will i do? how will i feel?... if on some passing escalator, in a crowded market or a coffee shop ordering a cafe mocha.. years from now stepping onto the stairs of a theater in downtown chicago... if i look back on this very moment and regret the opportunity placed before me... what if...
i never see you again.
what if..
i never get to tell you these things.
to tell you what my heart screams as i silence it with painful memories fueled by the destructive emotion that plagued my life for an almost insurmountable period of time.
and what am i going to do about it?... well... i dont know yet.
pieces from:
Colin Hayes "I just dont think Ill ever get over... "
"i dont want you thinking im unhappy.
what is closer to the truth?
but if i live til' i was a hundred and two...
i just dont think ill ever get over...
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over...
If I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over...
thgieeerhteno
-xam
~billy
I read these lil proverbs all the time that tell people to do what they feel is right... to say whats in their heart.
as if its that easy...
there are consequences to those actions and sometimes the result is not what is needed... and it could actually be the opposite.. exactly what I do not need...
even though i fear and anticipate the next time i do see you.. what if, when i do see you... we will realize... well.. what if we dont receive what we think we will... what if?
where will it be, in some crowded market as i turn around because i forgot to grab bread while i was down that isle? maybe the one time i need to go to the other walmart cause this one doesnt have what i need... or will it just be in passing.. you going one way - me going the other... opposite directions on an escalator we cannot stop...
will it be years from now as i step onto the stairs of a movie theater in the heart of chicago... will it be tomorrow at a starbucks?
there have been many times that i was so very very close to saying maybe just one word... maybe many.. however i hold back.. because. well. im stubborn. i want to hold out longer.. then i try to justify my actions by our past. the doors i have opened for you,have been bombarded and broken... and as i tried to board them up... it was as if i was fighting the force of a thousand oceans...
many times i have read the quotes by famous writers.. the passages that make it seem so easy to drop words..not from my lips, but directly from my heart, my fears, my dreams...
why is it so hard? what am i afraid of? well in this case... everything.
i will say this..
-i apologize.
and a more comforting statement.... though i doubt you will ask for it...
and that is my forgiveness...
-i forgive you.
out of sight / out of mind only works for so long...
and though i may be the farthest thing from your daily thoughts.. i cannot deny the fact that you are in mine. and in this i state my inner most emotions that come to life as i type them...
its hard to imagine. everything.
while a small piece of my heart, despite my strength, still resides in memories i wish to forget, i find myself wondering in my subconscious thoughts...living in the past and imagining the future with my negative, my positive, the force that balances the power that i hold in this world...
if i was the dark. you would be...
We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
music keeps my heart and mind as close to the pain as possible... which makes me simultaneously stronger and weaker ...becoming both my greatest strength and my most destructive weakness...
so what if?... how?... what would i say?... how would i feel?
its as if a tiny tiny part of the puzzle is missing.. not even a whole piece but more importantly a vital piece of a whole piece and as much as most that read this will never and could never understand.... some of the most powerful things in the world receive disapproval, resentment and on occasion.. downright hatred...
but its not about them.. its not about anyone else... it never was
its about.. the untouchable unexplainable mystery that binds itself to splendor and brilliance...to confusion and clarity...
the gifts given that have no wrapping and sometimes have no sound... no surface to touch but only an idea to believe in... a hope that becomes a dream and a dream that becomes a memory...
memories paint pictures of the past where the negative was dressed up with beautiful colors and bashful curves lightening the appearance so the onlookers can marvel at it's presence..
Never close your lips to those whom you have opened your heart.
-- Charles Dickens
so i dont know the steps taken to miss something... do i have to miss certain things? a certain number of things... or maybe missing is not being able to miss it... maybe i miss missing you.. maybe i miss missing something and this really has nothing to do with you... maybe it has everything to do with you.
The only true gift is a portion of yourself.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
im tired of playing the games, flexing the stubborn muscles... who can hold out longer...
what was done has left a very dark, very red stain on my very soft, very perfect, white carpet...
and it cannot and will not be forgotten.. forgivess is one thing.. and its amazing how there are those that forget the bad... the hurtful and move on.. then out of the purple.. are filled with excitement and are overcome by a calmness not felt in quite some time...
the kind of calmness i feel as on a cold night i climb into bed, that warmth that fills the body from the inside out.. as that feathery soft quilt is pulled over my chilly body harnessing the heat and sending it straight to my heart.. laying my head on the inviting down pillow that comforts my entire soul, making the world a great place to be... and christmas the best time of year...
the feeling of home.. the feeling of happiness.. of home... the kind of warmth that has soft music playing in my head with the images of the future... of kisses under mistletoe.. of new years parties and nights spent in.. watching movies that not really about the movie but more the quiet ..spent with that person so the element of touch can be enjoyed without tainting it with words...
so back to my "what if" my "how" my "when" and "where" ...
what will i say? what will i do? how will i feel?... if on some passing escalator, in a crowded market or a coffee shop ordering a cafe mocha.. years from now stepping onto the stairs of a theater in downtown chicago... if i look back on this very moment and regret the opportunity placed before me... what if...
i never see you again.
what if..
i never get to tell you these things.
to tell you what my heart screams as i silence it with painful memories fueled by the destructive emotion that plagued my life for an almost insurmountable period of time.
and what am i going to do about it?... well... i dont know yet.
pieces from:
Colin Hayes "I just dont think Ill ever get over... "
"i dont want you thinking im unhappy.
what is closer to the truth?
but if i live til' i was a hundred and two...
i just dont think ill ever get over...
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over...
If I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over...
thgieeerhteno
-xam
~billy
Friday, December 17, 2004
I'm feelin lucky!
So one of my very best friends in the world is plagued by a thought... or a hypothesis if you will that tears at the very fabric of trust...
i make several attempts every week to try to rebridge our friendship... to assure him that these things that he has heard are false... these ideas are proposterous. but i can only do so much...
as is life...
i have found out through time and more time... that i assume responsibility in circumstances where i have no control, power or influence. I do this because i feel it is my duty to right the wrongs.
somehow if it doesnt work out right (whatever that means.. perhaps my perception of how things should be.. who knows really) that i did something wrong... that somewhere in the grand scheme of things between the steps of 1 and 1,364,876 i made a mistake somewhere and i need to retrace every step i have ever taken to find out what happened... what wrong turn i made or what words i said that i shouldnt have... those ideas that i am supposed to be "SOooooo OPen" with but i should really keep locked up tight tight tight in my mind... so as to forget that they exist before they hurt me.
the truth...
i wont lie... i have thought some different things.. and about 95% of them i have never shared with anyone... and im sure i havent even admitted to myself that i figured out.
one of those epiphanys i have where the world suddenly makes itself clear and the answers are spelled out in bold huge readable and easily understood letter in front of me... laying out the path i am supposed to walk down.. along with the temperature, the pace at which i am supposed to travel, who i will meet along the way... etc etc etc...
i take society.. and in that i refer to groupings of people that come under a common understanding of what this definition of that word is...
society says!!!
Societal Success:
make a shit load of money, family, goto school, dont do drugs, dont drink, pay your bills, pay your taxes, be politically correct, dont hurt others feelings, drive a nice car, have a big house, credit cards are bad, trust the government, dont trust the government, have the most stylish clothes, watch the most popular reality t.v. show..
well i see these things and i am sure i have left some out that you may like to add...
but lemme go down the list...
#1 Money
Survey says... fuck money
i love my family - my parents have been married for 38 years and are my inspiration for love... thank you mom and dad.
i went to school , and kicked ass while i was there
i dabble in the fine art of nature, i do drink
i pay my bills because im supposed to
taxes? what are those?
politically correct? To hell with politically correct!
dont hurt others feelings... deal with it.
nice car, big house, stylish clothes, popluar t.v. shows to make sure that you can keep up with the latest break room banter about the stupid meaningless bullshit that happened on the lastest waste of money reality series that some network dumped an assload of money into to mesmorize the middle class college crowd into believing that one day youll be lucky enough to be the "CHOSEN ONE" to marry this guy and then get a million dollars only to find out that it was all a joke and there is no million dollars and was your love for him really true!?!?!!!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? WHOEVER WATCHES THESE THINGS... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS...
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
Its not real... it wont happen to you.. so get over your sick diluted fantasy please and move onto something that might actually have some bearing to a good life.
like.. the common misconception that 50% of marriges end in divorce...
In 1981, for example, there were 2.4 million marriges and 1.2 million divorces. At first glance, that would seem like a 50 percent divorce rate.
Virtually none of those divorces were among the people who had married during that year, however, and the statistic failed to take into account the 54 million marriges that already existes, the majority of which would not see divorce...
HELLO!? if you are one that thinks marrige is a walk in the park!? NO you dumb shit!
its not... its hard and its work and compromise and a million other things that I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT?! But why give up!? and if youre gonna give up...
DONT GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!
Marrige is NOT the "next step" when a realtionship gets to a certain level... What the F*** is that!? It is not a way to SAVE a relationship...
dammit people stop with your lil dream worlds you live in.
I do believe in true love... and that... no one will ever read in a book, hear in a song or see on t.v. true love cannot be defined or explained in words... sorry to all of you that think you have accomplished the impossible but sorry.. you havent.
but i have never been married and i have very close friends that have experienced marrige and also experienced divorce... so i really have no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
aside from that...
some of the things that were not in the above criteria of what "societal success" is..
-understanding of ones self.
Which can only be reached in solitude and only then after understanding what
ones self is all about can i offer that to another human being... whom by the way
should understand what they are offering before they offer it!
-comfort of the moment.
-solace
-happiness
-appreciation of the smallest sliver of hope
-creativity
-art
-expression of ones self
-honesty
-self reflection
-adaptation
i mean what are we doing here?
what are we pursuing?
are we pursuing careers to what?
pursuing dreams to what?
take up the time we have, the miniscule amount of time that is our life on this planet that would not change if anyone of us ceased to exist right this second?
to keep our mind from the present by immersing ourselves in so many damn things at once we forget what is really on our minds...
so what you wanna be a CEO, CFO, President???
Great!
then what?
retire?
awesome...
then what?
live on a golf course in the everglades of florida basking in the sunlight while sipping your lil drink with the umbrella in it on the patio of your multimillion dollar mansion...
wonderful..wanna cookie?!
then what?
have kids and grandkids and instill in them the same "morals" that were instilled in you so they can pursue the most materialistic of things in hopes that they will find true happiness through diamonds and pearls, big stereo systems and fast cars...
i once heard a very very smart person say... "Money can't buy happiness, but it can pretty much buy everything else..."
so what? big deal.. without happiness whats the point in everything else?
but damn the man...
so i sit here a few days from christmas attempting to live in the now... cause thats what time it is...
and it will always be.. Now.
forget yesterday, stop looking to tomorrow and live now. dont put things off because "you'll get to it tomorrow".. thats crap! there is no tomorrow! say whatchu wanna say and be honest with yourself about it. or in the words of earnie williams "assume responsibility, personal responsibility for myself."
the things that i hold in my heart, the hurtful things that i couldnt do anything about... that i was a victim to... that was "not my fault" and i linger on because i was the poor helpless victim...
for example:
i was about 14 years old riding my bike home around 9:00 at night in the tiny town of inverness... my friends and i had just gone our seperate ways as the night came to a close...
on the way home at a four way stop sign a white honda accord pulled up and 3 guys that i had never seen in my life came up to me and started yellin at me... tellin me to tell my friends to keep their mouths shut pushin me around... before i could say a word the guy to the left punched me in mouth and after i didnt fall over the guy to the right decided he was going to pick my 5'-1" self up and throw me off my bike which he did...then, apparently, not being satisfied with the hill he just threw me down decided to come pick on me some more... it was dark and all i know is that he was a lot bigger than me.
he picked me up with one arm by the front of my shirt and hit me in the face a few times.. the whole world kinda spun i wasnt really sure what was going on...
the next thing i knew... some people in passing cars at the stop signs were honking their horns and yelling at the guys...
they stopped and got back in the car... only to follow behind me throwin whatever they could find in their car...
that was not a fun night...
i envoked none of that, knew none of those people and was totally a victim...
however...
i could have left earlier, i could have rode with someone, i could have taken a different path home, i could have not gone out that night, i could have gone to a friends house...
there is no fault... its not your fault that i got hurt.. and its not my fault... to place blame is a waste of time and energy and it gets nobody any further than where they were before they decided to point the finger.
accept responsibility for my actions, my mistakes and my triumphs...
apologize for my errors, forgive others when they apologize and move on.
ramble ramble ramble i do...
i was very distracted tonight.. and just wanted some peace and quiet so i could concentrate, however... i got none of that... however the music was great...
thanks bone
dec 18th 2004 gasoline alley headlining!
www.smilinmcgee.com
www.billyfloyd.com
i make several attempts every week to try to rebridge our friendship... to assure him that these things that he has heard are false... these ideas are proposterous. but i can only do so much...
as is life...
i have found out through time and more time... that i assume responsibility in circumstances where i have no control, power or influence. I do this because i feel it is my duty to right the wrongs.
somehow if it doesnt work out right (whatever that means.. perhaps my perception of how things should be.. who knows really) that i did something wrong... that somewhere in the grand scheme of things between the steps of 1 and 1,364,876 i made a mistake somewhere and i need to retrace every step i have ever taken to find out what happened... what wrong turn i made or what words i said that i shouldnt have... those ideas that i am supposed to be "SOooooo OPen" with but i should really keep locked up tight tight tight in my mind... so as to forget that they exist before they hurt me.
the truth...
i wont lie... i have thought some different things.. and about 95% of them i have never shared with anyone... and im sure i havent even admitted to myself that i figured out.
one of those epiphanys i have where the world suddenly makes itself clear and the answers are spelled out in bold huge readable and easily understood letter in front of me... laying out the path i am supposed to walk down.. along with the temperature, the pace at which i am supposed to travel, who i will meet along the way... etc etc etc...
i take society.. and in that i refer to groupings of people that come under a common understanding of what this definition of that word is...
society says!!!
Societal Success:
make a shit load of money, family, goto school, dont do drugs, dont drink, pay your bills, pay your taxes, be politically correct, dont hurt others feelings, drive a nice car, have a big house, credit cards are bad, trust the government, dont trust the government, have the most stylish clothes, watch the most popular reality t.v. show..
well i see these things and i am sure i have left some out that you may like to add...
but lemme go down the list...
#1 Money
Survey says... fuck money
i love my family - my parents have been married for 38 years and are my inspiration for love... thank you mom and dad.
i went to school , and kicked ass while i was there
i dabble in the fine art of nature, i do drink
i pay my bills because im supposed to
taxes? what are those?
politically correct? To hell with politically correct!
dont hurt others feelings... deal with it.
nice car, big house, stylish clothes, popluar t.v. shows to make sure that you can keep up with the latest break room banter about the stupid meaningless bullshit that happened on the lastest waste of money reality series that some network dumped an assload of money into to mesmorize the middle class college crowd into believing that one day youll be lucky enough to be the "CHOSEN ONE" to marry this guy and then get a million dollars only to find out that it was all a joke and there is no million dollars and was your love for him really true!?!?!!!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? WHOEVER WATCHES THESE THINGS... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS...
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
Its not real... it wont happen to you.. so get over your sick diluted fantasy please and move onto something that might actually have some bearing to a good life.
like.. the common misconception that 50% of marriges end in divorce...
In 1981, for example, there were 2.4 million marriges and 1.2 million divorces. At first glance, that would seem like a 50 percent divorce rate.
Virtually none of those divorces were among the people who had married during that year, however, and the statistic failed to take into account the 54 million marriges that already existes, the majority of which would not see divorce...
Hello!!!!! there was one couple that decided to LEAVE OUT "til death due us part" because as the bride said "the odds of that happening are only 50-50"
HELLO!? if you are one that thinks marrige is a walk in the park!? NO you dumb shit!
its not... its hard and its work and compromise and a million other things that I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT?! But why give up!? and if youre gonna give up...
DONT GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!
Marrige is NOT the "next step" when a realtionship gets to a certain level... What the F*** is that!? It is not a way to SAVE a relationship...
dammit people stop with your lil dream worlds you live in.
I do believe in true love... and that... no one will ever read in a book, hear in a song or see on t.v. true love cannot be defined or explained in words... sorry to all of you that think you have accomplished the impossible but sorry.. you havent.
but i have never been married and i have very close friends that have experienced marrige and also experienced divorce... so i really have no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
aside from that...
some of the things that were not in the above criteria of what "societal success" is..
-understanding of ones self.
Which can only be reached in solitude and only then after understanding what
ones self is all about can i offer that to another human being... whom by the way
should understand what they are offering before they offer it!
-comfort of the moment.
-solace
-happiness
-appreciation of the smallest sliver of hope
-creativity
-art
-expression of ones self
-honesty
-self reflection
-adaptation
i mean what are we doing here?
what are we pursuing?
are we pursuing careers to what?
pursuing dreams to what?
take up the time we have, the miniscule amount of time that is our life on this planet that would not change if anyone of us ceased to exist right this second?
to keep our mind from the present by immersing ourselves in so many damn things at once we forget what is really on our minds...
so what you wanna be a CEO, CFO, President???
Great!
then what?
retire?
awesome...
then what?
live on a golf course in the everglades of florida basking in the sunlight while sipping your lil drink with the umbrella in it on the patio of your multimillion dollar mansion...
wonderful..wanna cookie?!
then what?
have kids and grandkids and instill in them the same "morals" that were instilled in you so they can pursue the most materialistic of things in hopes that they will find true happiness through diamonds and pearls, big stereo systems and fast cars...
i once heard a very very smart person say... "Money can't buy happiness, but it can pretty much buy everything else..."
so what? big deal.. without happiness whats the point in everything else?
but damn the man...
so i sit here a few days from christmas attempting to live in the now... cause thats what time it is...
and it will always be.. Now.
forget yesterday, stop looking to tomorrow and live now. dont put things off because "you'll get to it tomorrow".. thats crap! there is no tomorrow! say whatchu wanna say and be honest with yourself about it. or in the words of earnie williams "assume responsibility, personal responsibility for myself."
the things that i hold in my heart, the hurtful things that i couldnt do anything about... that i was a victim to... that was "not my fault" and i linger on because i was the poor helpless victim...
for example:
i was about 14 years old riding my bike home around 9:00 at night in the tiny town of inverness... my friends and i had just gone our seperate ways as the night came to a close...
on the way home at a four way stop sign a white honda accord pulled up and 3 guys that i had never seen in my life came up to me and started yellin at me... tellin me to tell my friends to keep their mouths shut pushin me around... before i could say a word the guy to the left punched me in mouth and after i didnt fall over the guy to the right decided he was going to pick my 5'-1" self up and throw me off my bike which he did...then, apparently, not being satisfied with the hill he just threw me down decided to come pick on me some more... it was dark and all i know is that he was a lot bigger than me.
he picked me up with one arm by the front of my shirt and hit me in the face a few times.. the whole world kinda spun i wasnt really sure what was going on...
the next thing i knew... some people in passing cars at the stop signs were honking their horns and yelling at the guys...
they stopped and got back in the car... only to follow behind me throwin whatever they could find in their car...
that was not a fun night...
i envoked none of that, knew none of those people and was totally a victim...
however...
i could have left earlier, i could have rode with someone, i could have taken a different path home, i could have not gone out that night, i could have gone to a friends house...
there is no fault... its not your fault that i got hurt.. and its not my fault... to place blame is a waste of time and energy and it gets nobody any further than where they were before they decided to point the finger.
accept responsibility for my actions, my mistakes and my triumphs...
apologize for my errors, forgive others when they apologize and move on.
ramble ramble ramble i do...
i was very distracted tonight.. and just wanted some peace and quiet so i could concentrate, however... i got none of that... however the music was great...
thanks bone
dec 18th 2004 gasoline alley headlining!
www.smilinmcgee.com
www.billyfloyd.com
Friday, November 19, 2004
... That is the question!
12:48a.m.
"In the morning light"
chill
So she looks at me with these eyes that signify she is hiding... something. Some emotion or words that have been formed in her mind as thoughts radiating from her heart has made their way down into the depths of the unsaid and there they wait.. for the right time i suppose.. for the right moment.. the right setting... ambiance... who knows... but they are there and I know they are.. so does she.
There are major differences in this... well this... woman..
and thats the major difference... shes a woman...
no offence to the girls out there but lemme tell you this... the tools you use as girls to achieve what you want will not work forever... so use it while you can...
Now... out of the girls that have the tools to ascertain what they desire when they are still girls... there are only a select few that figure out how to be truly ... honest.
Tonight I experienced possibly the most honest moment i have ever experienced in my life...
she couldnt make eye contact with me at all.. she just had her hands holding each other behind her back and with on foot, toe to the ground, grinding it into the carpet, she was looking at anything she could as long as it wasnt me...
"I cant be nice to you" she says..
"I am selfish." she says...
"thats what i was told."
"i was told i cant talk to you."
and lastly with a slight glimmer residing in her eyes hiding itself from me... she walks back toward me... leans her hands on the wall and her cheek to her hands facing me... eye level... and says..
"But i want to be nice to you... believe me i do."
I just kept to myself... smilin' just so much to let her know that I am thinking... and I was wondering where this was coming from... she came to me... she approached me and started this conversation...
we have been just friends and just friends only... but.
that spark that reaches around the globe if need be... is very present.
to me at least...
we have never persued anything beyond our fabricated world... anything beyond our relationship that was made, not by us... but, by those that we answer to...
so i said to her...
"I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing... and you keep doing whatever you feel is the right thing to do... and we'll all be fine..."
she took a second, glanced to the side... while so elequently biting the tip of this pen cap.. glaces at me with these beautiful puppydog eyes and says...
thats perfect...
"and by the way" ,i say, "if this is you being "not-nice"... im thoroughly anticipating you being nice."
and with that and a smile we parted ways... and this is the next time ive thought about it.
beautiful.
"In the morning light"
chill
So she looks at me with these eyes that signify she is hiding... something. Some emotion or words that have been formed in her mind as thoughts radiating from her heart has made their way down into the depths of the unsaid and there they wait.. for the right time i suppose.. for the right moment.. the right setting... ambiance... who knows... but they are there and I know they are.. so does she.
There are major differences in this... well this... woman..
and thats the major difference... shes a woman...
no offence to the girls out there but lemme tell you this... the tools you use as girls to achieve what you want will not work forever... so use it while you can...
Now... out of the girls that have the tools to ascertain what they desire when they are still girls... there are only a select few that figure out how to be truly ... honest.
Tonight I experienced possibly the most honest moment i have ever experienced in my life...
she couldnt make eye contact with me at all.. she just had her hands holding each other behind her back and with on foot, toe to the ground, grinding it into the carpet, she was looking at anything she could as long as it wasnt me...
"I cant be nice to you" she says..
"I am selfish." she says...
"thats what i was told."
"i was told i cant talk to you."
and lastly with a slight glimmer residing in her eyes hiding itself from me... she walks back toward me... leans her hands on the wall and her cheek to her hands facing me... eye level... and says..
"But i want to be nice to you... believe me i do."
I just kept to myself... smilin' just so much to let her know that I am thinking... and I was wondering where this was coming from... she came to me... she approached me and started this conversation...
we have been just friends and just friends only... but.
that spark that reaches around the globe if need be... is very present.
to me at least...
we have never persued anything beyond our fabricated world... anything beyond our relationship that was made, not by us... but, by those that we answer to...
so i said to her...
"I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing... and you keep doing whatever you feel is the right thing to do... and we'll all be fine..."
she took a second, glanced to the side... while so elequently biting the tip of this pen cap.. glaces at me with these beautiful puppydog eyes and says...
thats perfect...
"and by the way" ,i say, "if this is you being "not-nice"... im thoroughly anticipating you being nice."
and with that and a smile we parted ways... and this is the next time ive thought about it.
beautiful.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Those eyes...
Music: On Fire "switchfoot"
State: remenisant
I remember, just a year ago as the weather is doing what its doing now...
I was not doing what i am doing now...
I was lost, very lost... emotionally of course, I'm an emotions kinda guy.
I just wanted to matter, I just wanted to feel like i was doing more in this world that taking up space... i wanted to feel appreciated for being me and i dont think thats too much to ask. At All.
I wanted to be cared for... i wanted to be smiled at in that way... I wanted to be looked at with those eyes... and when i say "that way" and "those eyes" i mean...
(...to be smiled at in that way)
- the kind of smile that isnt made by moving certain muscles in my face to present a appearance of contentment / but the kind that starts in my toes days before it surfaces and moves up my body through memories and through thoughts of the future...a moment of elation... where the thought of the person that has touched me in parts of my heart I didnt know exist sparking a feeling in my soul that lights a fire of that feeling.. that i belong, that someone cares, that the lost ideas of love can be saved... cause no one believes in it anymore...
i heard a while back a woman... a grown woman mind you... tell her 16 year old daughter...
"Honey, take it from me, someone who knows... dont marry for love... marry for money."
it didnt make me mad... i kinda felt bad though... what does she think love is?
(...to be looked at with those eyes)
- To me... i see peoples eyes... and they are an open book... with pages written with invisible ink by invisible thoughts that skip the heart and jump right to baby blues and ambers, hazels, exotic greens and dark mystery...
mainly...sadness is what i see and people wont admit it... sokay.. neither will i...
i see a lot of hope...
and ive found that when i see happiness in someones eyes... true happiness / or at least what i consider happiness. / they are swimming in tears.. welled up and somehow holding on for dear life... not wanting to make anyone aware that they are tears... and this is usually accompanied by a smile... a slight smile. the kind that cant be held back...
True happiness cannot be contained. it will break free; through boundries, barriers and walls... sometimes dangerously... sometimes painfully...but it will.
those eyes... those eyes - the representative for love. The kind that just reach back and grab the cast iron doors to the heart and with several strong jerks. open up what has been shut off to the world since the last time ... ...well... since the last time.
I'm in one of those places where I have no clue if I want a Coke or some Tea.. no clue at all...
oen of those places where i can't decide where to go for lunch or what movie to fall asleep to...
one of those places where I am so afraid of the only thing worth living for... the only thing that could turn a day from hell to a day that will be remembered as one of the happiest of my life...and I am afraid because ... well... i dont want to go through what i'm going through ever again...
i was in a creative mood... fueled by the magician and his magical culdron...
so i wrote an email... didnt sent it but wrote it...
and it said:::::::::::::
================================================
drips drop from knowledged wisemen as their presence merges with their dreams creating a reality to what makes life the best thing in the world...
i hope youre doing well...
i appreciate your phone call during the hurricane... you caught me absolutely off guard but i was kinda hoping i would see an area code unknown to my memory pop up on my lcd...
so words have become my shield and my dagger has been forged by the trials held during a triumphant jubilee which turned my stone heart warm again and then the illustrious catastrophy at the end... and thats exactly what it was...
the only time i can write is when clouded memories thickened by smoke, fog and hurtful expressions of emotion delivered to ears and hearts unfortunately... are cleared up by the amazing times that were experienced to make a once in a life time event... i saw the eclipse the other night... lunar i think it was.. but just the very end... and it kinda sucked that i only got to experience the very end... i missed all the good stuff... the entire beggining... however after i chill out and look at the sky... i realize that/------yes... i saw the eclipse... so i watched it while taking some pretty awful photos of it but if it was that important i wouldnt have missed the best part.. soooOOO a parting door prize was a last minute photograph of and maybe 3 per decade occasion...
interesting... the award was measured by the effort...
================================================
however i didnt send it... my music is changing... my writing style is changing and i hope you guys like it...
i just need a damn hug... and then feel that sensation that keeps me hoping and praying... it feels like...
Home.
well ladies and gents its 12:44 am and im gonna find somethin to do :)
if you have "on fire" by switchfoot i recommend listening to that while you read this... it was my inspiration... thank you switchfoot, Caaaaarl, and of course Da GBone!
billy
State: remenisant
I remember, just a year ago as the weather is doing what its doing now...
I was not doing what i am doing now...
I was lost, very lost... emotionally of course, I'm an emotions kinda guy.
I just wanted to matter, I just wanted to feel like i was doing more in this world that taking up space... i wanted to feel appreciated for being me and i dont think thats too much to ask. At All.
I wanted to be cared for... i wanted to be smiled at in that way... I wanted to be looked at with those eyes... and when i say "that way" and "those eyes" i mean...
(...to be smiled at in that way)
- the kind of smile that isnt made by moving certain muscles in my face to present a appearance of contentment / but the kind that starts in my toes days before it surfaces and moves up my body through memories and through thoughts of the future...a moment of elation... where the thought of the person that has touched me in parts of my heart I didnt know exist sparking a feeling in my soul that lights a fire of that feeling.. that i belong, that someone cares, that the lost ideas of love can be saved... cause no one believes in it anymore...
i heard a while back a woman... a grown woman mind you... tell her 16 year old daughter...
"Honey, take it from me, someone who knows... dont marry for love... marry for money."
it didnt make me mad... i kinda felt bad though... what does she think love is?
(...to be looked at with those eyes)
- To me... i see peoples eyes... and they are an open book... with pages written with invisible ink by invisible thoughts that skip the heart and jump right to baby blues and ambers, hazels, exotic greens and dark mystery...
mainly...sadness is what i see and people wont admit it... sokay.. neither will i...
i see a lot of hope...
and ive found that when i see happiness in someones eyes... true happiness / or at least what i consider happiness. / they are swimming in tears.. welled up and somehow holding on for dear life... not wanting to make anyone aware that they are tears... and this is usually accompanied by a smile... a slight smile. the kind that cant be held back...
True happiness cannot be contained. it will break free; through boundries, barriers and walls... sometimes dangerously... sometimes painfully...but it will.
those eyes... those eyes - the representative for love. The kind that just reach back and grab the cast iron doors to the heart and with several strong jerks. open up what has been shut off to the world since the last time ... ...well... since the last time.
I'm in one of those places where I have no clue if I want a Coke or some Tea.. no clue at all...
oen of those places where i can't decide where to go for lunch or what movie to fall asleep to...
one of those places where I am so afraid of the only thing worth living for... the only thing that could turn a day from hell to a day that will be remembered as one of the happiest of my life...and I am afraid because ... well... i dont want to go through what i'm going through ever again...
i was in a creative mood... fueled by the magician and his magical culdron...
so i wrote an email... didnt sent it but wrote it...
and it said:::::::::::::
================================================
drips drop from knowledged wisemen as their presence merges with their dreams creating a reality to what makes life the best thing in the world...
i hope youre doing well...
i appreciate your phone call during the hurricane... you caught me absolutely off guard but i was kinda hoping i would see an area code unknown to my memory pop up on my lcd...
so words have become my shield and my dagger has been forged by the trials held during a triumphant jubilee which turned my stone heart warm again and then the illustrious catastrophy at the end... and thats exactly what it was...
the only time i can write is when clouded memories thickened by smoke, fog and hurtful expressions of emotion delivered to ears and hearts unfortunately... are cleared up by the amazing times that were experienced to make a once in a life time event... i saw the eclipse the other night... lunar i think it was.. but just the very end... and it kinda sucked that i only got to experience the very end... i missed all the good stuff... the entire beggining... however after i chill out and look at the sky... i realize that/------yes... i saw the eclipse... so i watched it while taking some pretty awful photos of it but if it was that important i wouldnt have missed the best part.. soooOOO a parting door prize was a last minute photograph of and maybe 3 per decade occasion...
interesting... the award was measured by the effort...
================================================
however i didnt send it... my music is changing... my writing style is changing and i hope you guys like it...
i just need a damn hug... and then feel that sensation that keeps me hoping and praying... it feels like...
Home.
well ladies and gents its 12:44 am and im gonna find somethin to do :)
if you have "on fire" by switchfoot i recommend listening to that while you read this... it was my inspiration... thank you switchfoot, Caaaaarl, and of course Da GBone!
billy
Thursday, July 22, 2004
It was the One Armed Man!!!!
Well well well.. how the F*^@ is everyone doin'? I haven't seen this web page for a while...
There are those of you that know why I haven't blogged for quite some time now... there are those of you that do not...
for those of you that do... shut up :)
for those of you that don't... ummm... i'd say..to you..uhhh....
"SHUT UP!"
yeessss...
anyways
what to talk about.
Lets spin the "Wheel! Of ! Possibilityyyyyyyyy!"
Whoooosh... click click click click click click click clit click click click click click click click click 69 click click click click boobs click click click click click click starfish click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click smilin click click click click lick click click click click click mcgee click click click.....
click.........click...................click..............................................................................................................
..............................................................................................................................................................
................................click.
TRY AGAIN!!!
Try Again?!!?!
What the ??!?! Thats not fair!!!! I just typed out all those "clicks" and for what?!?!!? A measley Try Again?!!?
F-this game... it's rigged.
*Grapples Spinning wheel of clickiddy clicks and Punches it with newly attached bionic arm!!!
PUUUUUNCH!!!
Picks it up and body slams it to the ground!!!
BODDDDDY SLAAAAAAAM!!!!
Raises the bionic arm over my head... and bashes it with 4 & 3/4 might blows!!!
BAAAASH!!!
BAAAASH!!!
BAAAASH!!!
BAAAASH!!!
BAAAA!!!
Baa Baa black sheep have you any wool?
-Yes sir yes sir 3 bags full
-one for the master one for my dame...
-and one for the little manufacturing plant run by the slave driving corporation known as trojan to make the most uncomfortable and ineffective condoms in de world!!!
1042 WHat!?!?!?
Imagine workin' in a condom sweat shop...
damn i mean we all know what latex and lubrication smells like after youre all hot and sweaty...
Ick!!! Nasty...
I could see it now....
Uuuup!!!!
Dooown!!!!
ehh...
rows and rows of anatomically correct manicans with big smiles on... standing in the ready position with their hands on their hips... and head turned to the side.. posing for the condom put'er on'er...
sheets and sheets of latex being fed through massive machines like news paper and thousands of little sweat shop leprechauns making sure that this is a "tested" product...
EW!!!! I dont wanna tested condom?!!? WTF is that?!
I'll test that bitch.. dont you worry about it..
I dont want the sweaty tootheless cook at denny's testin' my Moons Over Mihammy!
F-That!!!
Anyways, im in a pretty big convo with a friend of mine so i'll talk to you guys later..
And...
Someone needs to go and get some Moons over Mihammy...
Strongbad needs to go and get some Moons over Mihammy...
To Email StrongBad Click Here... billy@billyfloyd.com
Later Peoples!
11:09 a.m.
There are those of you that know why I haven't blogged for quite some time now... there are those of you that do not...
for those of you that do... shut up :)
for those of you that don't... ummm... i'd say..to you..uhhh....
"SHUT UP!"
yeessss...
anyways
what to talk about.
Lets spin the "Wheel! Of ! Possibilityyyyyyyyy!"
Whoooosh... click click click click click click click clit click click click click click click click click 69 click click click click boobs click click click click click click starfish click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click smilin click click click click lick click click click click click mcgee click click click.....
click.........click...................click..............................................................................................................
..............................................................................................................................................................
................................click.
TRY AGAIN!!!
Try Again?!!?!
What the ??!?! Thats not fair!!!! I just typed out all those "clicks" and for what?!?!!? A measley Try Again?!!?
F-this game... it's rigged.
*Grapples Spinning wheel of clickiddy clicks and Punches it with newly attached bionic arm!!!
PUUUUUNCH!!!
Picks it up and body slams it to the ground!!!
BODDDDDY SLAAAAAAAM!!!!
Raises the bionic arm over my head... and bashes it with 4 & 3/4 might blows!!!
BAAAASH!!!
BAAAASH!!!
BAAAASH!!!
BAAAASH!!!
BAAAA!!!
Baa Baa black sheep have you any wool?
-Yes sir yes sir 3 bags full
-one for the master one for my dame...
-and one for the little manufacturing plant run by the slave driving corporation known as trojan to make the most uncomfortable and ineffective condoms in de world!!!
1042 WHat!?!?!?
Imagine workin' in a condom sweat shop...
damn i mean we all know what latex and lubrication smells like after youre all hot and sweaty...
Ick!!! Nasty...
I could see it now....
Uuuup!!!!
Dooown!!!!
ehh...
rows and rows of anatomically correct manicans with big smiles on... standing in the ready position with their hands on their hips... and head turned to the side.. posing for the condom put'er on'er...
sheets and sheets of latex being fed through massive machines like news paper and thousands of little sweat shop leprechauns making sure that this is a "tested" product...
EW!!!! I dont wanna tested condom?!!? WTF is that?!
I'll test that bitch.. dont you worry about it..
I dont want the sweaty tootheless cook at denny's testin' my Moons Over Mihammy!
F-That!!!
Anyways, im in a pretty big convo with a friend of mine so i'll talk to you guys later..
And...
Someone needs to go and get some Moons over Mihammy...
Strongbad needs to go and get some Moons over Mihammy...
To Email StrongBad Click Here... billy@billyfloyd.com
Later Peoples!
11:09 a.m.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
LOVE
okay imma start typin'... i would recommend that before reading this you enqueue about 15 - 20 minutes of slow music, something comforting... some babyface, maybe some brian mcknight, something that reminds you of love whatever it may be...
just a thought...
so here we go..
ready?
you know... love's a bitch. it really is.. but like many things.. nothing is perfect. aside from love being a bitch it is many things...
its a smile... at the right time from the right person, you may know them, they may be a stranger. its a laugh... one eminating from a source unknown... a distant laugh echoing from a distant room and you can tell that whomever that laugh came from has tasted love... only someone who has tasted love can be so in touch with their emotions to laugh so whole heartedly as to capture a rooms attention and in their whispers from lips to ears speak unspoken words and understand with ease.
love is a rainy day that happened on your only day off... when you just put the top down...
love is the one thing that, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself you dont feel... lives with you every second of your life.
love does not need words, there are those i have not spoken to in many, many days and STILL feel an unspeakable love for every moment.
love hides. behind every door, around every corner and most often... right under your nose.
love is the perfect song played at the perfect time to take you from your perfect lil world and dip you in eternal bliss.
love is craze... love knows no control, no limits, no rules, no boundries.. love is not described by 4 letters... love is every letter and every thought.. within every emotion... and when melted together form beauty only felt through a kiss, a hug, a tear...
and i know you still feel love for that person... though you choose to deny it...it still exists... you think about them at night, with your friends, when you wake up... at sparatic times throughout the day... you dont know why and you may think its wrong... but its not.. love is never wrong, although it may be painful.
But wrong?
never.
you hear certain songs and some you may not listen to anymore because it pulls you from your solace and has you fallen into an undefined tomorrow and that is enough to scare the strongest of warriors and give courage to the most cowardly...
how can i say these things? how can i make such bold statements?
to be honest with you...i don't know...
but i believe...
the thoughts of past love or present love will always take hostage moments throughout your day... its up to you to make those moments as enduring as possible... they wont reside, they wont disapate.. they will, however, continue.. and for those thoughts to bring you to tears... they will. but happy tears do exist. you still talk to your friends about it, on the phone, over the internet, through email to those which that is your only form of communication... i know .. you know.
its thought about while brushing your teeth and staring into your own eyes in the mirror... as a certain car passes or a certain rain falls... its there.. like the wind. you cant see it, but you can feel it... and it feels good!
==================================================================
here are some quotes from some authors.. maybe they're amazing maye they're not...
im not going to put who they are by. as to not swade your judgement... if you wanna know.. just copy and paste into a search engine and click the button...
"Christianity has done a great deal for love by making a sin of it."
"if two people love each other, there can be no happy ending to it."
"Never close your lips to those whom you have opened your heart."
"There is no solution to love. Love is not a problem. It's a gift."
"Love, in all its fragile forms, is the one powerful, enduring force that brings real meaning to our everyday lives...but the love i mean is the fire that burns inside us all, the inner warmth that prevents our soul from freezing in the winters of despair."
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
"Looking back, i have this to regret, that too often when i loved, i did not say so."
"People who are sensible about love are incapable of it."
"I say I'm in love with her. What does that mean? It means I review my future and my past in the light of this feeling. It is as though I wrote in a foreign language that i am suddenly able to read. Wordlessly, she explains me to myself. Like an genius she is ignorant of what she does."
"Dry as the deserts bathing in sunlight...love is my water and this is my firefight...with you.. and me."
"love is all you need."
Thank you and good night!!!
Hasta La Pasta!
~Billy 10:25 p.m.
Someones needs to go and get a honey baked ham, and american and swiss cheese with bologna and butterball turkey with mayo mustard and some pickles sandwich...whew
Strong Bad needs to go and get a honey baked ham, and american and swiss cheese with bologna and butterball turkey with mayo mustard and some pickles sandwich.... and some O.J.
buh bye.
just a thought...
so here we go..
ready?
you know... love's a bitch. it really is.. but like many things.. nothing is perfect. aside from love being a bitch it is many things...
its a smile... at the right time from the right person, you may know them, they may be a stranger. its a laugh... one eminating from a source unknown... a distant laugh echoing from a distant room and you can tell that whomever that laugh came from has tasted love... only someone who has tasted love can be so in touch with their emotions to laugh so whole heartedly as to capture a rooms attention and in their whispers from lips to ears speak unspoken words and understand with ease.
love is a rainy day that happened on your only day off... when you just put the top down...
love is the one thing that, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself you dont feel... lives with you every second of your life.
love does not need words, there are those i have not spoken to in many, many days and STILL feel an unspeakable love for every moment.
love hides. behind every door, around every corner and most often... right under your nose.
love is the perfect song played at the perfect time to take you from your perfect lil world and dip you in eternal bliss.
love is craze... love knows no control, no limits, no rules, no boundries.. love is not described by 4 letters... love is every letter and every thought.. within every emotion... and when melted together form beauty only felt through a kiss, a hug, a tear...
and i know you still feel love for that person... though you choose to deny it...it still exists... you think about them at night, with your friends, when you wake up... at sparatic times throughout the day... you dont know why and you may think its wrong... but its not.. love is never wrong, although it may be painful.
But wrong?
never.
you hear certain songs and some you may not listen to anymore because it pulls you from your solace and has you fallen into an undefined tomorrow and that is enough to scare the strongest of warriors and give courage to the most cowardly...
how can i say these things? how can i make such bold statements?
to be honest with you...i don't know...
but i believe...
the thoughts of past love or present love will always take hostage moments throughout your day... its up to you to make those moments as enduring as possible... they wont reside, they wont disapate.. they will, however, continue.. and for those thoughts to bring you to tears... they will. but happy tears do exist. you still talk to your friends about it, on the phone, over the internet, through email to those which that is your only form of communication... i know .. you know.
its thought about while brushing your teeth and staring into your own eyes in the mirror... as a certain car passes or a certain rain falls... its there.. like the wind. you cant see it, but you can feel it... and it feels good!
==================================================================
here are some quotes from some authors.. maybe they're amazing maye they're not...
im not going to put who they are by. as to not swade your judgement... if you wanna know.. just copy and paste into a search engine and click the button...
"Christianity has done a great deal for love by making a sin of it."
"if two people love each other, there can be no happy ending to it."
"Never close your lips to those whom you have opened your heart."
"There is no solution to love. Love is not a problem. It's a gift."
"Love, in all its fragile forms, is the one powerful, enduring force that brings real meaning to our everyday lives...but the love i mean is the fire that burns inside us all, the inner warmth that prevents our soul from freezing in the winters of despair."
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
"Looking back, i have this to regret, that too often when i loved, i did not say so."
"People who are sensible about love are incapable of it."
"I say I'm in love with her. What does that mean? It means I review my future and my past in the light of this feeling. It is as though I wrote in a foreign language that i am suddenly able to read. Wordlessly, she explains me to myself. Like an genius she is ignorant of what she does."
"Dry as the deserts bathing in sunlight...love is my water and this is my firefight...with you.. and me."
"love is all you need."
Thank you and good night!!!
Hasta La Pasta!
~Billy 10:25 p.m.
Someones needs to go and get a honey baked ham, and american and swiss cheese with bologna and butterball turkey with mayo mustard and some pickles sandwich...whew
Strong Bad needs to go and get a honey baked ham, and american and swiss cheese with bologna and butterball turkey with mayo mustard and some pickles sandwich.... and some O.J.
buh bye.
Monday, June 28, 2004
SHUT UP AND READ!
inspiration..
its a scary think inspiration is...
its the solitary motivational tool for any artist...
more important that the pen, the paper, the guitar and even the vocals... its something that comes around when it comes around... and falsifying inspiration is like eating toastie o's instead of cherrios... you can just tell the difference... it lacks substance, depth, and it they just taste funny.
i guess i kinda use this blog as a bit of a journal but i am motivated by some friends to keep this shit updated every now and again... so i think what im gonna do is put some of my writings in here...
I sit at outback pretty much every night and time and time again waste away item tickets which are about 3" x 5" and we use the to put in certain orders... however they are blank on the back... so i use that to my advantage... brb..
okay.. imma only put one on here... some of em are pretty long...
this is just thoughts spilled out onto paper.. so nothin in stone... if you dont like it.. Bug Off!!! :)
==================================================================
shadows keep my company
dreams are dreampt of you and me
ive never knows your name before
but youre just what im lookin for
friends of mine from 44
keep me from cryin' anymore as...
-tables turn i lie awake
-my broken heart i pray you take
-and mend it up with one soft kiss
-that lingeres like a morning mist
as pillows keep your company
you squeeze them tight and dream of me
youve never known my name before
but im just what youre lookin for
friends of your from years before
keep you from cryin anymore as...
-tables turn i lie awake
-my broken heart i pray you take
-and mend it up with one soft kiss
-that lingeres like a morning mist
as our love keeps our company
i look at you as you look at me
i never thought you mend my heart
and put together what was blown apart
as i placed my kiss upon your shoulder
our new love will never faulter...
...i found you...
i found you my missing piece
as you look at me your hearts at peace as..
-tables turn, we lie awake
-our broken hearts have gained their strength
-with one soft kiss i finally found
-what i though i would always miss
...so if youd fall i'd follow you down and I'd race like superman down to the ground....through smokey fires I'd shield my eyes and catch your fallen heart.
===============================================
so yeah "insiration"... my favorite 10 letter word beggining with "i" aside from "istanbul" "ignite" and... line..backer.
what?
:) well 11:21 and someone needs to go and get a bowl of toastie o's... Ha ... no no im just kidding..
they're cheerios.. no! they really are dammit!!!.. the real ones!!! No, You Cant have any!!! these are MY tiny lifeboats of multigrain goodness packed with vitamins and minerals that are proven to reduce the risk of heart disease or something like that..
get your own you Cheerio Nazi!!! back up bitch!
anyways like i was saying before i was so RUDELY interrupted..
...huh hmm...
someone needs to go and get a bowl of whole grain goodness..
...Strong Bad needs to go and get a bowl of whole grain goodness..
until then my fellow blogmen and blogladies... ridding the world of boring ass journal entries about lil doggies and purple parachutes!!!
This is BillyFloydDotCom Up .. Up and Awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!
hasta la pasta!
its a scary think inspiration is...
its the solitary motivational tool for any artist...
more important that the pen, the paper, the guitar and even the vocals... its something that comes around when it comes around... and falsifying inspiration is like eating toastie o's instead of cherrios... you can just tell the difference... it lacks substance, depth, and it they just taste funny.
i guess i kinda use this blog as a bit of a journal but i am motivated by some friends to keep this shit updated every now and again... so i think what im gonna do is put some of my writings in here...
I sit at outback pretty much every night and time and time again waste away item tickets which are about 3" x 5" and we use the to put in certain orders... however they are blank on the back... so i use that to my advantage... brb..
okay.. imma only put one on here... some of em are pretty long...
this is just thoughts spilled out onto paper.. so nothin in stone... if you dont like it.. Bug Off!!! :)
==================================================================
shadows keep my company
dreams are dreampt of you and me
ive never knows your name before
but youre just what im lookin for
friends of mine from 44
keep me from cryin' anymore as...
-tables turn i lie awake
-my broken heart i pray you take
-and mend it up with one soft kiss
-that lingeres like a morning mist
as pillows keep your company
you squeeze them tight and dream of me
youve never known my name before
but im just what youre lookin for
friends of your from years before
keep you from cryin anymore as...
-tables turn i lie awake
-my broken heart i pray you take
-and mend it up with one soft kiss
-that lingeres like a morning mist
as our love keeps our company
i look at you as you look at me
i never thought you mend my heart
and put together what was blown apart
as i placed my kiss upon your shoulder
our new love will never faulter...
...i found you...
i found you my missing piece
as you look at me your hearts at peace as..
-tables turn, we lie awake
-our broken hearts have gained their strength
-with one soft kiss i finally found
-what i though i would always miss
...so if youd fall i'd follow you down and I'd race like superman down to the ground....through smokey fires I'd shield my eyes and catch your fallen heart.
===============================================
so yeah "insiration"... my favorite 10 letter word beggining with "i" aside from "istanbul" "ignite" and... line..backer.
what?
:) well 11:21 and someone needs to go and get a bowl of toastie o's... Ha ... no no im just kidding..
they're cheerios.. no! they really are dammit!!!.. the real ones!!! No, You Cant have any!!! these are MY tiny lifeboats of multigrain goodness packed with vitamins and minerals that are proven to reduce the risk of heart disease or something like that..
get your own you Cheerio Nazi!!! back up bitch!
anyways like i was saying before i was so RUDELY interrupted..
...huh hmm...
someone needs to go and get a bowl of whole grain goodness..
...Strong Bad needs to go and get a bowl of whole grain goodness..
until then my fellow blogmen and blogladies... ridding the world of boring ass journal entries about lil doggies and purple parachutes!!!
This is BillyFloydDotCom Up .. Up and Awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!
hasta la pasta!
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Hey Crapface! Why don't you blow it out your ear....
1:05 p.m.
Okay...
hmm...what to write about...what to write...about...
somebody give me some inspiration...
1:10 p.m.
...sorry guys still no inspiration...
1:11 p.m.
my friend justin is sitting on my big bean bag chair reading a "how to" book on the guitar and my friend Jenn is chatting with me about the show on the 16th of july...
1:13 p.m.
ok... heres somethin...i think...
Soooo... I get my apple juice and i get my Eggo waffles with my hickory syrup and my fork on my paper plate...
(so i dont have to wash anything! Ha!)
Take that Cascade!!! I dont need you anymore!!! WHAT!?
I get all comfy in my bed, fans on, air conditioner is at a perfect 74 degrees... justin keeps talkin'... he's funny...
i got the pillow on my lap and the laptop on my... umm... lap.. too... lap..top.. yes.. umm okay...
umm. yeah.
anyways.. i am all settled in and shitake with my remotes and my cell phone all set in an orderly fashion in order of rarely used to somewhat used to mostly used... i take a nice bite of waffles and go to take a drink of my refreshing apple juice.. and..
wait-a-minute!!!...
where my apple juice..
oh no... it cant be..
anywhere but there. no... say it aint so...
it's standing there on my dresser all sweaty and yummy looking, staring, judging... that crispy, tasty beverage laughing at me knowing that my go-go-gadget arms are off on sundays... of all days!!! the A.J. has to be on the dresser...
btw.. i knew a girl named a.j. in highschool.. she was blonde and yeah.. i guess thats it...
okay...
so now im left with this dilema...
i dont want to move... everything is perfectly set... all of it.. cept for dat damn apple juice.. grrr..
so do i move and hope that i can find the comfort zones again? do i grin and bare it hoping that the waffles dont suck up every ounce of moisture in my mouth leaving me to wallow in an unspeakable world unable to make any kind of rational sound and in the end deterioriorrrrating into nothingness having nothing to do but blog!!! Rotting in this endless wasteland hoping and praying that in that time i will acquire the power of the force!!! and be able to move objects with my mind..
hand outstretched and fingertips shaking... i focus on the apple juice i imagine myself standing over its fruity goodness, smelling its aromaticness.. visions of apples orchards and waves of apple juice crashing over me as i stand there braced against the waves with nothing but an empty fruit box!!!
...whew...
well, here we are.. the waffles are gone... nothing is left but the remnants of the syrup that i couldnt pick up with the fork slipping through the tongs just fast enough to hit the plate before i could rush it to my lips...and since i wanted to avoid getting syrup on my laptop, i couldnt tilt the plate sideways licking the rest of the sticky sweetness off and savorying every sugary drop...
and i lay.. still in the bed, still with the pillow on my lap and my laptop... on my.. umm... lap.. yeah. remotes a lil dustier than before, cellie-the-cell-phone, still poised in readiness
justin is still talking... hes funny..
and the apple juice is standing tall like the tower of power that it has come to be known as...
alas...
...Someone need to go and eat a eggo waffle.
Strong Bad need to go and eat an eggo waffle...
---cast---
Cellie-the-cell-phone as himself
Lappy-the-laptop as himself
Motts Apple Juice as The Tower of Power!!!
Pillow as Pillow
Justin as Himself
umm and ...
producers, and key grips, lighting, directors and stuff...
billyfloyddotcom!!!!
http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail50.html
Leggo My Eggo Bitch!
Okay...
hmm...what to write about...what to write...about...
somebody give me some inspiration...
1:10 p.m.
...sorry guys still no inspiration...
1:11 p.m.
my friend justin is sitting on my big bean bag chair reading a "how to" book on the guitar and my friend Jenn is chatting with me about the show on the 16th of july...
1:13 p.m.
ok... heres somethin...i think...
Soooo... I get my apple juice and i get my Eggo waffles with my hickory syrup and my fork on my paper plate...
(so i dont have to wash anything! Ha!)
Take that Cascade!!! I dont need you anymore!!! WHAT!?
I get all comfy in my bed, fans on, air conditioner is at a perfect 74 degrees... justin keeps talkin'... he's funny...
i got the pillow on my lap and the laptop on my... umm... lap.. too... lap..top.. yes.. umm okay...
umm. yeah.
anyways.. i am all settled in and shitake with my remotes and my cell phone all set in an orderly fashion in order of rarely used to somewhat used to mostly used... i take a nice bite of waffles and go to take a drink of my refreshing apple juice.. and..
wait-a-minute!!!...
where my apple juice..
oh no... it cant be..
anywhere but there. no... say it aint so...
it's standing there on my dresser all sweaty and yummy looking, staring, judging... that crispy, tasty beverage laughing at me knowing that my go-go-gadget arms are off on sundays... of all days!!! the A.J. has to be on the dresser...
btw.. i knew a girl named a.j. in highschool.. she was blonde and yeah.. i guess thats it...
okay...
so now im left with this dilema...
i dont want to move... everything is perfectly set... all of it.. cept for dat damn apple juice.. grrr..
so do i move and hope that i can find the comfort zones again? do i grin and bare it hoping that the waffles dont suck up every ounce of moisture in my mouth leaving me to wallow in an unspeakable world unable to make any kind of rational sound and in the end deterioriorrrrating into nothingness having nothing to do but blog!!! Rotting in this endless wasteland hoping and praying that in that time i will acquire the power of the force!!! and be able to move objects with my mind..
hand outstretched and fingertips shaking... i focus on the apple juice i imagine myself standing over its fruity goodness, smelling its aromaticness.. visions of apples orchards and waves of apple juice crashing over me as i stand there braced against the waves with nothing but an empty fruit box!!!
...whew...
well, here we are.. the waffles are gone... nothing is left but the remnants of the syrup that i couldnt pick up with the fork slipping through the tongs just fast enough to hit the plate before i could rush it to my lips...and since i wanted to avoid getting syrup on my laptop, i couldnt tilt the plate sideways licking the rest of the sticky sweetness off and savorying every sugary drop...
and i lay.. still in the bed, still with the pillow on my lap and my laptop... on my.. umm... lap.. yeah. remotes a lil dustier than before, cellie-the-cell-phone, still poised in readiness
justin is still talking... hes funny..
and the apple juice is standing tall like the tower of power that it has come to be known as...
alas...
...Someone need to go and eat a eggo waffle.
Strong Bad need to go and eat an eggo waffle...
---cast---
Cellie-the-cell-phone as himself
Lappy-the-laptop as himself
Motts Apple Juice as The Tower of Power!!!
Pillow as Pillow
Justin as Himself
umm and ...
producers, and key grips, lighting, directors and stuff...
billyfloyddotcom!!!!
http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail50.html
Leggo My Eggo Bitch!
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