It's not crazy.
I'm not sure why people say that.
And by "people", I mean me.
I used to say that a lot.
I just thought it actually, which is what sparked this opening.
Life can change so quickly.
We all say it.
We all know it.
But every time we experience it...
Every time it's my life that changes quickly...
I think: "Wow. That's crazy."
CRA·ZY
[krey-zee] | adjective, -zi·er, -zi·est, noun, plural -zies. |
- having an unusual, unexpected, or random quality, behavior, result, pattern, etc.
But it isn't really that crazy when I think about it.
It's actually quite the opposite.
It's almost expected.
There is always an ending.
If there wasn't an ending, there couldn't be a beginning.
And beginnings are fun.
Anyway...
Moving on...
Some interesting changes have found their way into my life.
And everything changed very quickly, extremely quickly actually.
Perhaps I am over thinking it though.
I hope I am, because if I'm not...
Well that just sucks.
I could smell the steamy fresh bullshit.
It seeped through my 3g connection and oozed out of my eVo.
:BEGIN CHARACTER BUILDING:
At first, I am kind to everyone I meet. (usually)
I am warm, and loving, caring, and understanding.
I can take a lot of criticism but, please, be aware of the line.
And there is, most definitely, a line.
Once you cross it, I usually take some time, in silence, to make sure that you know where you're standing.
Once I am aware that you do , in fact, understand where you're standing, and you don't care, I'll make sure you are aware.
And I'll even be nice about it.
But on the edge of not being nice about it.
I'm there now.
END CHARACTER BUILDING
Just a few days ago, I received some interesting news.
And by "interesting" I mean:
"garbage disposal fecal matter, served with a side of vanity."
Was I surprised?
Not really.
Was I upset that it actually happened?
A little.
I think I was more relieved than upset.
I got that "upset/relieved" feeling.
Like 98% relieved and 2% upset.
Or...
Maybe it was the other way around.
Maybe I was 98% Upset and 2% relieved.
But that's what makes it so intense, it's so confusing.
I can't really figure it out.
For a moment I felt as if I could finally breathe again.
I felt the energy change on a Wednesday and within a week...
ORDER UP! Hot shit on a plate with a side of indigestion!
Yeah, not the first time someone has done that to me.
And I'm sure it won't be the last.
In the past, I'd be upset about it for a some time.
I'd hold it with me, losing sleep, weight, interest, enthusiasm... everything.
I'd just slowly deteriorate until only the skeleton of this man remained, and then I would start the rebuilding process.
This time...
...isn't too different.
Hopefully it won't last long.
It's for the best right?
Serendipitous really.
Well...
so far. :)
No big deal though.
I feel like I came out on top, and that's all that matters.
Right?
It's pretty crazy, isn't it?
Damn.
There's that phrase again... ;)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Cure & The Antidote
We can't push back the pain.
Cover it up with dreams.
Or pretend that it's not real.
It is very real.
Somethings exist whether we believe in them or not.
Ignoring this frustration is only a path to more frustration.
But some things never change.
You and me.
Two candles burning in the darkness.
Never alone.
But always alone.
The closer we become, the farther apart we find ourselves.
It's frustrating in the least.
but I struck the first blow.
And then second.
And the third.
Those scars resonate through our lives.
They never go away.
They never disappear.
They will always be staring back at you.
For the rest of your life.
Scars create fear.
Fear creates distrust.
Distrust...
Well...
Distrust is poison.
Which there is no antidote.
There is no cure.
So it courses through our veins, and like anything running that same course, winds up on a highway to our heart.
The metropolis of life.
Once inside, distrust can wreak havoc on everything.
Every aspect of a life.
Distrust sneaks in with the shadows.
And sits there, awaiting the perfect time to strike.
Concocting a plan.
That will bring this empire down.
From the inside.
A Trojan Horse if you will.
To which there is no escape.
To which there is no surrender.
To which there is no survival.
Cover it up with dreams.
Or pretend that it's not real.
It is very real.
Somethings exist whether we believe in them or not.
Ignoring this frustration is only a path to more frustration.
But some things never change.
You and me.
Two candles burning in the darkness.
Never alone.
But always alone.
The closer we become, the farther apart we find ourselves.
It's frustrating in the least.
but I struck the first blow.
And then second.
And the third.
Those scars resonate through our lives.
They never go away.
They never disappear.
They will always be staring back at you.
For the rest of your life.
Scars create fear.
Fear creates distrust.
Distrust...
Well...
Distrust is poison.
Which there is no antidote.
There is no cure.
So it courses through our veins, and like anything running that same course, winds up on a highway to our heart.
The metropolis of life.
Once inside, distrust can wreak havoc on everything.
Every aspect of a life.
Distrust sneaks in with the shadows.
And sits there, awaiting the perfect time to strike.
Concocting a plan.
That will bring this empire down.
From the inside.
A Trojan Horse if you will.
To which there is no escape.
To which there is no surrender.
To which there is no survival.
Monday, April 18, 2011
People like you. And people like me. Some things neeeeeever change.
It's been almost 2 years since my last post here.
I used to post on this everyday.
Then I started thinking too much about it and what other people would think about what I had to say.
Who would I offend?
Who would I disappoint?
Who would I upset?
Who would I lose?
It's difficult to traverse the thin line of self proclamation and self control.
Verbal control more like it.
That filter we all talk about.
The thoughts that fill my mind and the gibberish that comes out after it's been passed through said filter.
All the sediment locked away.
All the real content 86'd, if you will, to leave only vague, non offensive material.
It's difficult to get back into the swing of writing what I'm thinking without the fear of reprisal.
I haven't been able to do that without masking it with creative lyrics and a catchy guitar riff for some years now.
Knowing that someone is reading this.
Maybe that someone thinks a random "you" is actually them.
Then the downward spiral continues.
Into the pits of dreary end and decimation of friends and relationships.
It upsets me when I see posts on the worst social networking addition ever that refer to "you".
e.g.
"You really have to stop being a jerk, or you're not going to have any friends."
?!?!?!
Why the %$#^ does someone say "you".
Why don't they just call them out?
@NAME <- There ya go, that'll get their attention. Fix it, don't just bitch about it.
Or just call them on the phone, see if they answer.
Send them a text, something, anything except vaguely calling someone out on facebook.
That's a bitch move.
It's confusing to me.
Chuck, I discovered, masked his anger with staying busy in his life.
Then when that busy-ness stopped, the anger caught up to him and he lashed out at people.
Mainly me.
For no reason that he would share with me, like an adult would.
He was a little baby about it.
His words:
"I'm not sure what it is, but every time I think about Billy, it turns my stomach."
Pansie.
Why don't you just man up and call me, or respond to one of my many attempts to contact you?
Why?
Because you like the drama. You like to maintain drama as a focal point for your anger.
You're not happy with your life, and it's in no way, shape, or form your fault, so who can you blame?
Blame the only guy that had the balls to tell you when you were being an idiot, and to straighten up before you destroy one of the most positive things you had going for you.
I tried for months to talk to him, maintain a friendship, repair the bridge that he, himself destroyed.
BUT WHY?
Why would I go out of my way time after time to repair something someone else destroyed?
Why would anyone?
Stop the facebook wining and call the person on the phone.
then...
FIX THE PROBLEM!
But most people like the problems, they like the drama.
If it weren't for the drama in their life, they would have nothing to talk about around the dinner table with their significant other, or at the bar with their buddies.
Some people let drama continue so their life can be that much more interesting and they can offer their interpretation as part of a circle jerk bitch fest.
But you hurt the ones you love the most.
Isn't that how the saying goes?
Yes, that's how the saying goes.
He blocked me on facebook, won't answer text's or calls.
And he "Doesn't know why."
What kind of lame cow crap is that?
You don't know why?
People that say they don't know why are 1 of two things.
#1 A Liar
or
#2 A LIAR
I'm kind of hoping that this will generate an "OMG I have to show him this right away."
That would be awesome.
I've tried many ways to contact said Mongolian and alas, nada.
That's enough about the past, let's talk about the present.
My feet are stuck in 3 feet of "I care what everyone thinks" mud.
I do this, that and the other thing to make others happy.
Only to receive their approval which in turn makes me happy.
I feel as if I'm at a fork in the road.
But instead of 3, 4, or 5 tongs, there are thousands.
Which way to go?
What to do next?
Where to go from here?
Is this the right way?
Am I on the right track?
There was a quote in the movie "Repo Men":
"So what is it I'm writing? It's not just some cranky memoir or even an attempt to apologize indirectly for what I've done. This is a cautionary tale. I hope that you might learn from my mistakes because in the end, a job is not just a job. It's who you are. If you want to change who are you have to change what you do."
You are your job.
If you serve tables, you'll always be the server.
If you mop floors, you'll always be the mopper.
If you sing songs, you'll always be the singer.
If you fix cars, you'll always be the fixer.
If you want to change who you are, you have to change what you do.
What are you goals?
Shit.
What are my goals?
I have no idea anymore.
I have no clue what day it is.
What year it is.
And if I did know.
Does it even matter?
Not really.
In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters.
But in the small world of our individual lives, maybe it does matter?
But in the end.
It doesn't.
A friend told me the other day.
"The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time."
Which put some things into perspective, and made difficult other variations of enjoyment.
Just more to think about.
Some deep philosophical .b.s meant to consume our thoughts and minds.
But I'm getting off track here.
I've been uneasy for a while.
Trying to find my place in this world.
Waiting for it to feel right.
And it doesn't
None of the aspect of my professional or personal life feel right.
it all feels wrong.
It feels like I'm living someones life alright.
but not my own.
I have a job that teaches me a lot every day, but I'm moving away from my actual goal.
I got into this to meet the right people and move my career in one direction, where in fact I feel like I'm doing exactly the opposite.
I mean, I'm meeting the right people, but the effect is the complete opposite of the desired effect.
So what to do?
Do I wait it out longer for the same people to care, that haven't thus far?
When will it change?
Wake up and smell the coffee!!!
Nothing changes.
People don't change.
And if you want something done right you need the right motivator.
Power or Money.
The funny thing is: with one thing, if utilized correctly, the other will follow shortly.
Not many generous hearts out there anymore.
Why would person A help person B out when all person B is going to do is leave anyway?
Sounds kind of selfish to me.
But I have my moments too.
I've had my tendencies to fight for myself only.
In my defense it's that whole thing about:
if you want something done right... blah blah blah.
yeah.
That's true.
Of if you want something done right, have something the other person wants.
it's crazy, this world.
What happened to people helping people because it just makes the world a better place?
When did it become all about "me" and what you can do for "me" and what you can get for "me"?
When and why?
The days of lending a helping hand are over.
But I try to keep it alive.
And I fail...
A lot.
A wise man once told me that we will all fail way more than we succeed, but to never stop trying.
I look at it this way.
If you never play, you'll never lose.
But!
If you never play, you'll never win either.
I'm going to think about that while I drop a deuce and play video games on my phone.
Sleep well internet people.
G'night.
billyfloyd@gmail.com
http://www.twitter.com/billyfloyd
p.s. Don't push too hard or you'll blow out your O-ring.
I used to post on this everyday.
Then I started thinking too much about it and what other people would think about what I had to say.
Who would I offend?
Who would I disappoint?
Who would I upset?
Who would I lose?
It's difficult to traverse the thin line of self proclamation and self control.
Verbal control more like it.
That filter we all talk about.
The thoughts that fill my mind and the gibberish that comes out after it's been passed through said filter.
All the sediment locked away.
All the real content 86'd, if you will, to leave only vague, non offensive material.
It's difficult to get back into the swing of writing what I'm thinking without the fear of reprisal.
I haven't been able to do that without masking it with creative lyrics and a catchy guitar riff for some years now.
Knowing that someone is reading this.
Maybe that someone thinks a random "you" is actually them.
Then the downward spiral continues.
Into the pits of dreary end and decimation of friends and relationships.
It upsets me when I see posts on the worst social networking addition ever that refer to "you".
e.g.
"You really have to stop being a jerk, or you're not going to have any friends."
?!?!?!
Why the %$#^ does someone say "you".
Why don't they just call them out?
@NAME <- There ya go, that'll get their attention. Fix it, don't just bitch about it.
Or just call them on the phone, see if they answer.
Send them a text, something, anything except vaguely calling someone out on facebook.
That's a bitch move.
It's confusing to me.
Chuck, I discovered, masked his anger with staying busy in his life.
Then when that busy-ness stopped, the anger caught up to him and he lashed out at people.
Mainly me.
For no reason that he would share with me, like an adult would.
He was a little baby about it.
His words:
"I'm not sure what it is, but every time I think about Billy, it turns my stomach."
Pansie.
Why don't you just man up and call me, or respond to one of my many attempts to contact you?
Why?
Because you like the drama. You like to maintain drama as a focal point for your anger.
You're not happy with your life, and it's in no way, shape, or form your fault, so who can you blame?
Blame the only guy that had the balls to tell you when you were being an idiot, and to straighten up before you destroy one of the most positive things you had going for you.
I tried for months to talk to him, maintain a friendship, repair the bridge that he, himself destroyed.
BUT WHY?
Why would I go out of my way time after time to repair something someone else destroyed?
Why would anyone?
Stop the facebook wining and call the person on the phone.
then...
FIX THE PROBLEM!
But most people like the problems, they like the drama.
If it weren't for the drama in their life, they would have nothing to talk about around the dinner table with their significant other, or at the bar with their buddies.
Some people let drama continue so their life can be that much more interesting and they can offer their interpretation as part of a circle jerk bitch fest.
But you hurt the ones you love the most.
Isn't that how the saying goes?
Yes, that's how the saying goes.
He blocked me on facebook, won't answer text's or calls.
And he "Doesn't know why."
What kind of lame cow crap is that?
You don't know why?
People that say they don't know why are 1 of two things.
#1 A Liar
or
#2 A LIAR
I'm kind of hoping that this will generate an "OMG I have to show him this right away."
That would be awesome.
I've tried many ways to contact said Mongolian and alas, nada.
That's enough about the past, let's talk about the present.
My feet are stuck in 3 feet of "I care what everyone thinks" mud.
I do this, that and the other thing to make others happy.
Only to receive their approval which in turn makes me happy.
I feel as if I'm at a fork in the road.
But instead of 3, 4, or 5 tongs, there are thousands.
Which way to go?
What to do next?
Where to go from here?
Is this the right way?
Am I on the right track?
There was a quote in the movie "Repo Men":
"So what is it I'm writing? It's not just some cranky memoir or even an attempt to apologize indirectly for what I've done. This is a cautionary tale. I hope that you might learn from my mistakes because in the end, a job is not just a job. It's who you are. If you want to change who are you have to change what you do."
You are your job.
If you serve tables, you'll always be the server.
If you mop floors, you'll always be the mopper.
If you sing songs, you'll always be the singer.
If you fix cars, you'll always be the fixer.
If you want to change who you are, you have to change what you do.
What are you goals?
Shit.
What are my goals?
I have no idea anymore.
I have no clue what day it is.
What year it is.
And if I did know.
Does it even matter?
Not really.
In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters.
But in the small world of our individual lives, maybe it does matter?
But in the end.
It doesn't.
A friend told me the other day.
"The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time."
Which put some things into perspective, and made difficult other variations of enjoyment.
Just more to think about.
Some deep philosophical .b.s meant to consume our thoughts and minds.
But I'm getting off track here.
I've been uneasy for a while.
Trying to find my place in this world.
Waiting for it to feel right.
And it doesn't
None of the aspect of my professional or personal life feel right.
it all feels wrong.
It feels like I'm living someones life alright.
but not my own.
I have a job that teaches me a lot every day, but I'm moving away from my actual goal.
I got into this to meet the right people and move my career in one direction, where in fact I feel like I'm doing exactly the opposite.
I mean, I'm meeting the right people, but the effect is the complete opposite of the desired effect.
So what to do?
Do I wait it out longer for the same people to care, that haven't thus far?
When will it change?
Wake up and smell the coffee!!!
Nothing changes.
People don't change.
And if you want something done right you need the right motivator.
Power or Money.
The funny thing is: with one thing, if utilized correctly, the other will follow shortly.
Not many generous hearts out there anymore.
Why would person A help person B out when all person B is going to do is leave anyway?
Sounds kind of selfish to me.
But I have my moments too.
I've had my tendencies to fight for myself only.
In my defense it's that whole thing about:
if you want something done right... blah blah blah.
yeah.
That's true.
Of if you want something done right, have something the other person wants.
it's crazy, this world.
What happened to people helping people because it just makes the world a better place?
When did it become all about "me" and what you can do for "me" and what you can get for "me"?
When and why?
The days of lending a helping hand are over.
But I try to keep it alive.
And I fail...
A lot.
A wise man once told me that we will all fail way more than we succeed, but to never stop trying.
I look at it this way.
If you never play, you'll never lose.
But!
If you never play, you'll never win either.
I'm going to think about that while I drop a deuce and play video games on my phone.
Sleep well internet people.
G'night.
billyfloyd@gmail.com
http://www.twitter.com/billyfloyd
p.s. Don't push too hard or you'll blow out your O-ring.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
We're An Interesting Species, Aren't We?
I think "people watching" has been and will always be one of the most popular past times shared by guys and gals of all ages, races, and ethnicity.
Although I haven't found a Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter Page for "People Watching", there are people at this very moment all over the world that are having some coffee, reading the tribune and watching this fascinating world turn. Just taking in the sights and watching the interaction between friends, families, strangers, and luhvahs.
Every now and then it's a very rewarding experience to be part of this human race. I see some great deeds. Others opening doors for others. A person tossing something to the garbage bin as it barely misses, then turning around to pick it up and deliver it to it's original destination.
I meet a lot of new people every single day. Some of these people I will never ever see again... Ever. However, despite my level of knowledge of their past, present, and future nothing is stopping me from introducing myself and asking them about their day so far but me.
It's just an individual challenge for myself.
I suggest you try it as well.
Start small..
Say hello to someone new in the line at McDonalds waiting for your BigMac. In the line at Publix ready to check out. Then move on to a small convo then to a bigger convo.
Granted you'll probably meet those people that won't stop talking; but usually they have the best stories, and are excited to share them with you. Indulge them. Listen to them and in turn they might even ask how your day is going.
Do this with a sense of caution because not everyone out there is a cool cat.
Use your insight and your instinct correctly. Open up your heart and your mind and who knows? You might meet a new person that will add a hint of spice to your life.
Yes there are a lot of bad people out there...
But there are also a lot of awesome people out there as well.
Have faith in people.
And the next time you find yourself in the perfect situation.
Introduce yourself and see what happens next.
Every day I wake up the same question crosses my mind.
We're An Interesting Species, Aren't We?
Although I haven't found a Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter Page for "People Watching", there are people at this very moment all over the world that are having some coffee, reading the tribune and watching this fascinating world turn. Just taking in the sights and watching the interaction between friends, families, strangers, and luhvahs.
Every now and then it's a very rewarding experience to be part of this human race. I see some great deeds. Others opening doors for others. A person tossing something to the garbage bin as it barely misses, then turning around to pick it up and deliver it to it's original destination.
I meet a lot of new people every single day. Some of these people I will never ever see again... Ever. However, despite my level of knowledge of their past, present, and future nothing is stopping me from introducing myself and asking them about their day so far but me.
It's just an individual challenge for myself.
I suggest you try it as well.
Start small..
Say hello to someone new in the line at McDonalds waiting for your BigMac. In the line at Publix ready to check out. Then move on to a small convo then to a bigger convo.
Granted you'll probably meet those people that won't stop talking; but usually they have the best stories, and are excited to share them with you. Indulge them. Listen to them and in turn they might even ask how your day is going.
Do this with a sense of caution because not everyone out there is a cool cat.
Use your insight and your instinct correctly. Open up your heart and your mind and who knows? You might meet a new person that will add a hint of spice to your life.
Yes there are a lot of bad people out there...
But there are also a lot of awesome people out there as well.
Have faith in people.
And the next time you find yourself in the perfect situation.
Introduce yourself and see what happens next.
Every day I wake up the same question crosses my mind.
We're An Interesting Species, Aren't We?
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
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