... That is the question!

12:48a.m.
"In the morning light"
chill

So she looks at me with these eyes that signify she is hiding... something. Some emotion or words that have been formed in her mind as thoughts radiating from her heart has made their way down into the depths of the unsaid and there they wait.. for the right time i suppose.. for the right moment.. the right setting... ambiance... who knows... but they are there and I know they are.. so does she.

There are major differences in this... well this... woman..

and thats the major difference... shes a woman...

no offence to the girls out there but lemme tell you this... the tools you use as girls to achieve what you want will not work forever... so use it while you can...

Now... out of the girls that have the tools to ascertain what they desire when they are still girls... there are only a select few that figure out how to be truly ... honest.

Tonight I experienced possibly the most honest moment i have ever experienced in my life...

she couldnt make eye contact with me at all.. she just had her hands holding each other behind her back and with on foot, toe to the ground, grinding it into the carpet, she was looking at anything she could as long as it wasnt me...

"I cant be nice to you" she says..

"I am selfish." she says...

"thats what i was told."

"i was told i cant talk to you."

and lastly with a slight glimmer residing in her eyes hiding itself from me... she walks back toward me... leans her hands on the wall and her cheek to her hands facing me... eye level... and says..

"But i want to be nice to you... believe me i do."

I just kept to myself... smilin' just so much to let her know that I am thinking... and I was wondering where this was coming from... she came to me... she approached me and started this conversation...

we have been just friends and just friends only... but.

that spark that reaches around the globe if need be... is very present.

to me at least...

we have never persued anything beyond our fabricated world... anything beyond our relationship that was made, not by us... but, by those that we answer to...

so i said to her...

"I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing... and you keep doing whatever you feel is the right thing to do... and we'll all be fine..."

she took a second, glanced to the side... while so elequently biting the tip of this pen cap.. glaces at me with these beautiful puppydog eyes and says...

thats perfect...

"and by the way" ,i say, "if this is you being "not-nice"... im thoroughly anticipating you being nice."

and with that and a smile we parted ways... and this is the next time ive thought about it.

beautiful.

Those eyes...

Music: On Fire "switchfoot"
State: remenisant

I remember, just a year ago as the weather is doing what its doing now...

I was not doing what i am doing now...

I was lost, very lost... emotionally of course, I'm an emotions kinda guy.

I just wanted to matter, I just wanted to feel like i was doing more in this world that taking up space... i wanted to feel appreciated for being me and i dont think thats too much to ask. At All.

I wanted to be cared for... i wanted to be smiled at in that way... I wanted to be looked at with those eyes... and when i say "that way" and "those eyes" i mean...

(...to be smiled at in that way)

- the kind of smile that isnt made by moving certain muscles in my face to present a appearance of contentment / but the kind that starts in my toes days before it surfaces and moves up my body through memories and through thoughts of the future...a moment of elation... where the thought of the person that has touched me in parts of my heart I didnt know exist sparking a feeling in my soul that lights a fire of that feeling.. that i belong, that someone cares, that the lost ideas of love can be saved... cause no one believes in it anymore...

i heard a while back a woman... a grown woman mind you... tell her 16 year old daughter...

"Honey, take it from me, someone who knows... dont marry for love... marry for money."

it didnt make me mad... i kinda felt bad though... what does she think love is?

(...to be looked at with those eyes)

- To me... i see peoples eyes... and they are an open book... with pages written with invisible ink by invisible thoughts that skip the heart and jump right to baby blues and ambers, hazels, exotic greens and dark mystery...

mainly...sadness is what i see and people wont admit it... sokay.. neither will i...

i see a lot of hope...

and ive found that when i see happiness in someones eyes... true happiness / or at least what i consider happiness. / they are swimming in tears.. welled up and somehow holding on for dear life... not wanting to make anyone aware that they are tears... and this is usually accompanied by a smile... a slight smile. the kind that cant be held back...

True happiness cannot be contained. it will break free; through boundries, barriers and walls... sometimes dangerously... sometimes painfully...but it will.

those eyes... those eyes - the representative for love. The kind that just reach back and grab the cast iron doors to the heart and with several strong jerks. open up what has been shut off to the world since the last time ... ...well... since the last time.

I'm in one of those places where I have no clue if I want a Coke or some Tea.. no clue at all...

oen of those places where i can't decide where to go for lunch or what movie to fall asleep to...

one of those places where I am so afraid of the only thing worth living for... the only thing that could turn a day from hell to a day that will be remembered as one of the happiest of my life...and I am afraid because ... well... i dont want to go through what i'm going through ever again...

i was in a creative mood... fueled by the magician and his magical culdron...

so i wrote an email... didnt sent it but wrote it...

and it said:::::::::::::

================================================

drips drop from knowledged wisemen as their presence merges with their dreams creating a reality to what makes life the best thing in the world...

i hope youre doing well...

i appreciate your phone call during the hurricane... you caught me absolutely off guard but i was kinda hoping i would see an area code unknown to my memory pop up on my lcd...

so words have become my shield and my dagger has been forged by the trials held during a triumphant jubilee which turned my stone heart warm again and then the illustrious catastrophy at the end... and thats exactly what it was...

the only time i can write is when clouded memories thickened by smoke, fog and hurtful expressions of emotion delivered to ears and hearts unfortunately... are cleared up by the amazing times that were experienced to make a once in a life time event... i saw the eclipse the other night... lunar i think it was.. but just the very end... and it kinda sucked that i only got to experience the very end... i missed all the good stuff... the entire beggining... however after i chill out and look at the sky... i realize that/------yes... i saw the eclipse... so i watched it while taking some pretty awful photos of it but if it was that important i wouldnt have missed the best part.. soooOOO a parting door prize was a last minute photograph of and maybe 3 per decade occasion...
interesting... the award was measured by the effort...

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however i didnt send it... my music is changing... my writing style is changing and i hope you guys like it...

i just need a damn hug... and then feel that sensation that keeps me hoping and praying... it feels like...

Home.

well ladies and gents its 12:44 am and im gonna find somethin to do :)

if you have "on fire" by switchfoot i recommend listening to that while you read this... it was my inspiration... thank you switchfoot, Caaaaarl, and of course Da GBone!

billy