So how do i start? What do i say?...
I read these lil proverbs all the time that tell people to do what they feel is right... to say whats in their heart.
as if its that easy...
there are consequences to those actions and sometimes the result is not what is needed... and it could actually be the opposite.. exactly what I do not need...
even though i fear and anticipate the next time i do see you.. what if, when i do see you... we will realize... well.. what if we dont receive what we think we will... what if?
where will it be, in some crowded market as i turn around because i forgot to grab bread while i was down that isle? maybe the one time i need to go to the other walmart cause this one doesnt have what i need... or will it just be in passing.. you going one way - me going the other... opposite directions on an escalator we cannot stop...
will it be years from now as i step onto the stairs of a movie theater in the heart of chicago... will it be tomorrow at a starbucks?
there have been many times that i was so very very close to saying maybe just one word... maybe many.. however i hold back.. because. well. im stubborn. i want to hold out longer.. then i try to justify my actions by our past. the doors i have opened for you,have been bombarded and broken... and as i tried to board them up... it was as if i was fighting the force of a thousand oceans...
many times i have read the quotes by famous writers.. the passages that make it seem so easy to drop words..not from my lips, but directly from my heart, my fears, my dreams...
why is it so hard? what am i afraid of? well in this case... everything.
i will say this..
-i apologize.
and a more comforting statement.... though i doubt you will ask for it...
and that is my forgiveness...
-i forgive you.
out of sight / out of mind only works for so long...
and though i may be the farthest thing from your daily thoughts.. i cannot deny the fact that you are in mine. and in this i state my inner most emotions that come to life as i type them...
its hard to imagine. everything.
while a small piece of my heart, despite my strength, still resides in memories i wish to forget, i find myself wondering in my subconscious thoughts...living in the past and imagining the future with my negative, my positive, the force that balances the power that i hold in this world...
if i was the dark. you would be...
We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
music keeps my heart and mind as close to the pain as possible... which makes me simultaneously stronger and weaker ...becoming both my greatest strength and my most destructive weakness...
so what if?... how?... what would i say?... how would i feel?
its as if a tiny tiny part of the puzzle is missing.. not even a whole piece but more importantly a vital piece of a whole piece and as much as most that read this will never and could never understand.... some of the most powerful things in the world receive disapproval, resentment and on occasion.. downright hatred...
but its not about them.. its not about anyone else... it never was
its about.. the untouchable unexplainable mystery that binds itself to splendor and brilliance...to confusion and clarity...
the gifts given that have no wrapping and sometimes have no sound... no surface to touch but only an idea to believe in... a hope that becomes a dream and a dream that becomes a memory...
memories paint pictures of the past where the negative was dressed up with beautiful colors and bashful curves lightening the appearance so the onlookers can marvel at it's presence..
Never close your lips to those whom you have opened your heart.
-- Charles Dickens
so i dont know the steps taken to miss something... do i have to miss certain things? a certain number of things... or maybe missing is not being able to miss it... maybe i miss missing you.. maybe i miss missing something and this really has nothing to do with you... maybe it has everything to do with you.
The only true gift is a portion of yourself.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
im tired of playing the games, flexing the stubborn muscles... who can hold out longer...
what was done has left a very dark, very red stain on my very soft, very perfect, white carpet...
and it cannot and will not be forgotten.. forgivess is one thing.. and its amazing how there are those that forget the bad... the hurtful and move on.. then out of the purple.. are filled with excitement and are overcome by a calmness not felt in quite some time...
the kind of calmness i feel as on a cold night i climb into bed, that warmth that fills the body from the inside out.. as that feathery soft quilt is pulled over my chilly body harnessing the heat and sending it straight to my heart.. laying my head on the inviting down pillow that comforts my entire soul, making the world a great place to be... and christmas the best time of year...
the feeling of home.. the feeling of happiness.. of home... the kind of warmth that has soft music playing in my head with the images of the future... of kisses under mistletoe.. of new years parties and nights spent in.. watching movies that not really about the movie but more the quiet ..spent with that person so the element of touch can be enjoyed without tainting it with words...
so back to my "what if" my "how" my "when" and "where" ...
what will i say? what will i do? how will i feel?... if on some passing escalator, in a crowded market or a coffee shop ordering a cafe mocha.. years from now stepping onto the stairs of a theater in downtown chicago... if i look back on this very moment and regret the opportunity placed before me... what if...
i never see you again.
what if..
i never get to tell you these things.
to tell you what my heart screams as i silence it with painful memories fueled by the destructive emotion that plagued my life for an almost insurmountable period of time.
and what am i going to do about it?... well... i dont know yet.
pieces from:
Colin Hayes "I just dont think Ill ever get over... "
"i dont want you thinking im unhappy.
what is closer to the truth?
but if i live til' i was a hundred and two...
i just dont think ill ever get over...
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over...
If I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over...
thgieeerhteno
-xam
~billy
Monday, December 20, 2004
Friday, December 17, 2004
I'm feelin lucky!
So one of my very best friends in the world is plagued by a thought... or a hypothesis if you will that tears at the very fabric of trust...
i make several attempts every week to try to rebridge our friendship... to assure him that these things that he has heard are false... these ideas are proposterous. but i can only do so much...
as is life...
i have found out through time and more time... that i assume responsibility in circumstances where i have no control, power or influence. I do this because i feel it is my duty to right the wrongs.
somehow if it doesnt work out right (whatever that means.. perhaps my perception of how things should be.. who knows really) that i did something wrong... that somewhere in the grand scheme of things between the steps of 1 and 1,364,876 i made a mistake somewhere and i need to retrace every step i have ever taken to find out what happened... what wrong turn i made or what words i said that i shouldnt have... those ideas that i am supposed to be "SOooooo OPen" with but i should really keep locked up tight tight tight in my mind... so as to forget that they exist before they hurt me.
the truth...
i wont lie... i have thought some different things.. and about 95% of them i have never shared with anyone... and im sure i havent even admitted to myself that i figured out.
one of those epiphanys i have where the world suddenly makes itself clear and the answers are spelled out in bold huge readable and easily understood letter in front of me... laying out the path i am supposed to walk down.. along with the temperature, the pace at which i am supposed to travel, who i will meet along the way... etc etc etc...
i take society.. and in that i refer to groupings of people that come under a common understanding of what this definition of that word is...
society says!!!
Societal Success:
make a shit load of money, family, goto school, dont do drugs, dont drink, pay your bills, pay your taxes, be politically correct, dont hurt others feelings, drive a nice car, have a big house, credit cards are bad, trust the government, dont trust the government, have the most stylish clothes, watch the most popular reality t.v. show..
well i see these things and i am sure i have left some out that you may like to add...
but lemme go down the list...
#1 Money
Survey says... fuck money
i love my family - my parents have been married for 38 years and are my inspiration for love... thank you mom and dad.
i went to school , and kicked ass while i was there
i dabble in the fine art of nature, i do drink
i pay my bills because im supposed to
taxes? what are those?
politically correct? To hell with politically correct!
dont hurt others feelings... deal with it.
nice car, big house, stylish clothes, popluar t.v. shows to make sure that you can keep up with the latest break room banter about the stupid meaningless bullshit that happened on the lastest waste of money reality series that some network dumped an assload of money into to mesmorize the middle class college crowd into believing that one day youll be lucky enough to be the "CHOSEN ONE" to marry this guy and then get a million dollars only to find out that it was all a joke and there is no million dollars and was your love for him really true!?!?!!!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? WHOEVER WATCHES THESE THINGS... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS...
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
Its not real... it wont happen to you.. so get over your sick diluted fantasy please and move onto something that might actually have some bearing to a good life.
like.. the common misconception that 50% of marriges end in divorce...
In 1981, for example, there were 2.4 million marriges and 1.2 million divorces. At first glance, that would seem like a 50 percent divorce rate.
Virtually none of those divorces were among the people who had married during that year, however, and the statistic failed to take into account the 54 million marriges that already existes, the majority of which would not see divorce...
HELLO!? if you are one that thinks marrige is a walk in the park!? NO you dumb shit!
its not... its hard and its work and compromise and a million other things that I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT?! But why give up!? and if youre gonna give up...
DONT GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!
Marrige is NOT the "next step" when a realtionship gets to a certain level... What the F*** is that!? It is not a way to SAVE a relationship...
dammit people stop with your lil dream worlds you live in.
I do believe in true love... and that... no one will ever read in a book, hear in a song or see on t.v. true love cannot be defined or explained in words... sorry to all of you that think you have accomplished the impossible but sorry.. you havent.
but i have never been married and i have very close friends that have experienced marrige and also experienced divorce... so i really have no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
aside from that...
some of the things that were not in the above criteria of what "societal success" is..
-understanding of ones self.
Which can only be reached in solitude and only then after understanding what
ones self is all about can i offer that to another human being... whom by the way
should understand what they are offering before they offer it!
-comfort of the moment.
-solace
-happiness
-appreciation of the smallest sliver of hope
-creativity
-art
-expression of ones self
-honesty
-self reflection
-adaptation
i mean what are we doing here?
what are we pursuing?
are we pursuing careers to what?
pursuing dreams to what?
take up the time we have, the miniscule amount of time that is our life on this planet that would not change if anyone of us ceased to exist right this second?
to keep our mind from the present by immersing ourselves in so many damn things at once we forget what is really on our minds...
so what you wanna be a CEO, CFO, President???
Great!
then what?
retire?
awesome...
then what?
live on a golf course in the everglades of florida basking in the sunlight while sipping your lil drink with the umbrella in it on the patio of your multimillion dollar mansion...
wonderful..wanna cookie?!
then what?
have kids and grandkids and instill in them the same "morals" that were instilled in you so they can pursue the most materialistic of things in hopes that they will find true happiness through diamonds and pearls, big stereo systems and fast cars...
i once heard a very very smart person say... "Money can't buy happiness, but it can pretty much buy everything else..."
so what? big deal.. without happiness whats the point in everything else?
but damn the man...
so i sit here a few days from christmas attempting to live in the now... cause thats what time it is...
and it will always be.. Now.
forget yesterday, stop looking to tomorrow and live now. dont put things off because "you'll get to it tomorrow".. thats crap! there is no tomorrow! say whatchu wanna say and be honest with yourself about it. or in the words of earnie williams "assume responsibility, personal responsibility for myself."
the things that i hold in my heart, the hurtful things that i couldnt do anything about... that i was a victim to... that was "not my fault" and i linger on because i was the poor helpless victim...
for example:
i was about 14 years old riding my bike home around 9:00 at night in the tiny town of inverness... my friends and i had just gone our seperate ways as the night came to a close...
on the way home at a four way stop sign a white honda accord pulled up and 3 guys that i had never seen in my life came up to me and started yellin at me... tellin me to tell my friends to keep their mouths shut pushin me around... before i could say a word the guy to the left punched me in mouth and after i didnt fall over the guy to the right decided he was going to pick my 5'-1" self up and throw me off my bike which he did...then, apparently, not being satisfied with the hill he just threw me down decided to come pick on me some more... it was dark and all i know is that he was a lot bigger than me.
he picked me up with one arm by the front of my shirt and hit me in the face a few times.. the whole world kinda spun i wasnt really sure what was going on...
the next thing i knew... some people in passing cars at the stop signs were honking their horns and yelling at the guys...
they stopped and got back in the car... only to follow behind me throwin whatever they could find in their car...
that was not a fun night...
i envoked none of that, knew none of those people and was totally a victim...
however...
i could have left earlier, i could have rode with someone, i could have taken a different path home, i could have not gone out that night, i could have gone to a friends house...
there is no fault... its not your fault that i got hurt.. and its not my fault... to place blame is a waste of time and energy and it gets nobody any further than where they were before they decided to point the finger.
accept responsibility for my actions, my mistakes and my triumphs...
apologize for my errors, forgive others when they apologize and move on.
ramble ramble ramble i do...
i was very distracted tonight.. and just wanted some peace and quiet so i could concentrate, however... i got none of that... however the music was great...
thanks bone
dec 18th 2004 gasoline alley headlining!
www.smilinmcgee.com
www.billyfloyd.com
i make several attempts every week to try to rebridge our friendship... to assure him that these things that he has heard are false... these ideas are proposterous. but i can only do so much...
as is life...
i have found out through time and more time... that i assume responsibility in circumstances where i have no control, power or influence. I do this because i feel it is my duty to right the wrongs.
somehow if it doesnt work out right (whatever that means.. perhaps my perception of how things should be.. who knows really) that i did something wrong... that somewhere in the grand scheme of things between the steps of 1 and 1,364,876 i made a mistake somewhere and i need to retrace every step i have ever taken to find out what happened... what wrong turn i made or what words i said that i shouldnt have... those ideas that i am supposed to be "SOooooo OPen" with but i should really keep locked up tight tight tight in my mind... so as to forget that they exist before they hurt me.
the truth...
i wont lie... i have thought some different things.. and about 95% of them i have never shared with anyone... and im sure i havent even admitted to myself that i figured out.
one of those epiphanys i have where the world suddenly makes itself clear and the answers are spelled out in bold huge readable and easily understood letter in front of me... laying out the path i am supposed to walk down.. along with the temperature, the pace at which i am supposed to travel, who i will meet along the way... etc etc etc...
i take society.. and in that i refer to groupings of people that come under a common understanding of what this definition of that word is...
society says!!!
Societal Success:
make a shit load of money, family, goto school, dont do drugs, dont drink, pay your bills, pay your taxes, be politically correct, dont hurt others feelings, drive a nice car, have a big house, credit cards are bad, trust the government, dont trust the government, have the most stylish clothes, watch the most popular reality t.v. show..
well i see these things and i am sure i have left some out that you may like to add...
but lemme go down the list...
#1 Money
Survey says... fuck money
i love my family - my parents have been married for 38 years and are my inspiration for love... thank you mom and dad.
i went to school , and kicked ass while i was there
i dabble in the fine art of nature, i do drink
i pay my bills because im supposed to
taxes? what are those?
politically correct? To hell with politically correct!
dont hurt others feelings... deal with it.
nice car, big house, stylish clothes, popluar t.v. shows to make sure that you can keep up with the latest break room banter about the stupid meaningless bullshit that happened on the lastest waste of money reality series that some network dumped an assload of money into to mesmorize the middle class college crowd into believing that one day youll be lucky enough to be the "CHOSEN ONE" to marry this guy and then get a million dollars only to find out that it was all a joke and there is no million dollars and was your love for him really true!?!?!!!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? WHOEVER WATCHES THESE THINGS... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS...
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
Its not real... it wont happen to you.. so get over your sick diluted fantasy please and move onto something that might actually have some bearing to a good life.
like.. the common misconception that 50% of marriges end in divorce...
In 1981, for example, there were 2.4 million marriges and 1.2 million divorces. At first glance, that would seem like a 50 percent divorce rate.
Virtually none of those divorces were among the people who had married during that year, however, and the statistic failed to take into account the 54 million marriges that already existes, the majority of which would not see divorce...
Hello!!!!! there was one couple that decided to LEAVE OUT "til death due us part" because as the bride said "the odds of that happening are only 50-50"
HELLO!? if you are one that thinks marrige is a walk in the park!? NO you dumb shit!
its not... its hard and its work and compromise and a million other things that I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT?! But why give up!? and if youre gonna give up...
DONT GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!
Marrige is NOT the "next step" when a realtionship gets to a certain level... What the F*** is that!? It is not a way to SAVE a relationship...
dammit people stop with your lil dream worlds you live in.
I do believe in true love... and that... no one will ever read in a book, hear in a song or see on t.v. true love cannot be defined or explained in words... sorry to all of you that think you have accomplished the impossible but sorry.. you havent.
but i have never been married and i have very close friends that have experienced marrige and also experienced divorce... so i really have no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
aside from that...
some of the things that were not in the above criteria of what "societal success" is..
-understanding of ones self.
Which can only be reached in solitude and only then after understanding what
ones self is all about can i offer that to another human being... whom by the way
should understand what they are offering before they offer it!
-comfort of the moment.
-solace
-happiness
-appreciation of the smallest sliver of hope
-creativity
-art
-expression of ones self
-honesty
-self reflection
-adaptation
i mean what are we doing here?
what are we pursuing?
are we pursuing careers to what?
pursuing dreams to what?
take up the time we have, the miniscule amount of time that is our life on this planet that would not change if anyone of us ceased to exist right this second?
to keep our mind from the present by immersing ourselves in so many damn things at once we forget what is really on our minds...
so what you wanna be a CEO, CFO, President???
Great!
then what?
retire?
awesome...
then what?
live on a golf course in the everglades of florida basking in the sunlight while sipping your lil drink with the umbrella in it on the patio of your multimillion dollar mansion...
wonderful..wanna cookie?!
then what?
have kids and grandkids and instill in them the same "morals" that were instilled in you so they can pursue the most materialistic of things in hopes that they will find true happiness through diamonds and pearls, big stereo systems and fast cars...
i once heard a very very smart person say... "Money can't buy happiness, but it can pretty much buy everything else..."
so what? big deal.. without happiness whats the point in everything else?
but damn the man...
so i sit here a few days from christmas attempting to live in the now... cause thats what time it is...
and it will always be.. Now.
forget yesterday, stop looking to tomorrow and live now. dont put things off because "you'll get to it tomorrow".. thats crap! there is no tomorrow! say whatchu wanna say and be honest with yourself about it. or in the words of earnie williams "assume responsibility, personal responsibility for myself."
the things that i hold in my heart, the hurtful things that i couldnt do anything about... that i was a victim to... that was "not my fault" and i linger on because i was the poor helpless victim...
for example:
i was about 14 years old riding my bike home around 9:00 at night in the tiny town of inverness... my friends and i had just gone our seperate ways as the night came to a close...
on the way home at a four way stop sign a white honda accord pulled up and 3 guys that i had never seen in my life came up to me and started yellin at me... tellin me to tell my friends to keep their mouths shut pushin me around... before i could say a word the guy to the left punched me in mouth and after i didnt fall over the guy to the right decided he was going to pick my 5'-1" self up and throw me off my bike which he did...then, apparently, not being satisfied with the hill he just threw me down decided to come pick on me some more... it was dark and all i know is that he was a lot bigger than me.
he picked me up with one arm by the front of my shirt and hit me in the face a few times.. the whole world kinda spun i wasnt really sure what was going on...
the next thing i knew... some people in passing cars at the stop signs were honking their horns and yelling at the guys...
they stopped and got back in the car... only to follow behind me throwin whatever they could find in their car...
that was not a fun night...
i envoked none of that, knew none of those people and was totally a victim...
however...
i could have left earlier, i could have rode with someone, i could have taken a different path home, i could have not gone out that night, i could have gone to a friends house...
there is no fault... its not your fault that i got hurt.. and its not my fault... to place blame is a waste of time and energy and it gets nobody any further than where they were before they decided to point the finger.
accept responsibility for my actions, my mistakes and my triumphs...
apologize for my errors, forgive others when they apologize and move on.
ramble ramble ramble i do...
i was very distracted tonight.. and just wanted some peace and quiet so i could concentrate, however... i got none of that... however the music was great...
thanks bone
dec 18th 2004 gasoline alley headlining!
www.smilinmcgee.com
www.billyfloyd.com
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