i make several attempts every week to try to rebridge our friendship... to assure him that these things that he has heard are false... these ideas are proposterous. but i can only do so much...
as is life...
i have found out through time and more time... that i assume responsibility in circumstances where i have no control, power or influence. I do this because i feel it is my duty to right the wrongs.
somehow if it doesnt work out right (whatever that means.. perhaps my perception of how things should be.. who knows really) that i did something wrong... that somewhere in the grand scheme of things between the steps of 1 and 1,364,876 i made a mistake somewhere and i need to retrace every step i have ever taken to find out what happened... what wrong turn i made or what words i said that i shouldnt have... those ideas that i am supposed to be "SOooooo OPen" with but i should really keep locked up tight tight tight in my mind... so as to forget that they exist before they hurt me.
the truth...
i wont lie... i have thought some different things.. and about 95% of them i have never shared with anyone... and im sure i havent even admitted to myself that i figured out.
one of those epiphanys i have where the world suddenly makes itself clear and the answers are spelled out in bold huge readable and easily understood letter in front of me... laying out the path i am supposed to walk down.. along with the temperature, the pace at which i am supposed to travel, who i will meet along the way... etc etc etc...
i take society.. and in that i refer to groupings of people that come under a common understanding of what this definition of that word is...
society says!!!
Societal Success:
make a shit load of money, family, goto school, dont do drugs, dont drink, pay your bills, pay your taxes, be politically correct, dont hurt others feelings, drive a nice car, have a big house, credit cards are bad, trust the government, dont trust the government, have the most stylish clothes, watch the most popular reality t.v. show..
well i see these things and i am sure i have left some out that you may like to add...
but lemme go down the list...
#1 Money
Survey says... fuck money
i love my family - my parents have been married for 38 years and are my inspiration for love... thank you mom and dad.
i went to school , and kicked ass while i was there
i dabble in the fine art of nature, i do drink
i pay my bills because im supposed to
taxes? what are those?
politically correct? To hell with politically correct!
dont hurt others feelings... deal with it.
nice car, big house, stylish clothes, popluar t.v. shows to make sure that you can keep up with the latest break room banter about the stupid meaningless bullshit that happened on the lastest waste of money reality series that some network dumped an assload of money into to mesmorize the middle class college crowd into believing that one day youll be lucky enough to be the "CHOSEN ONE" to marry this guy and then get a million dollars only to find out that it was all a joke and there is no million dollars and was your love for him really true!?!?!!!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? WHOEVER WATCHES THESE THINGS... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS...
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
Its not real... it wont happen to you.. so get over your sick diluted fantasy please and move onto something that might actually have some bearing to a good life.
like.. the common misconception that 50% of marriges end in divorce...
In 1981, for example, there were 2.4 million marriges and 1.2 million divorces. At first glance, that would seem like a 50 percent divorce rate.
Virtually none of those divorces were among the people who had married during that year, however, and the statistic failed to take into account the 54 million marriges that already existes, the majority of which would not see divorce...
Hello!!!!! there was one couple that decided to LEAVE OUT "til death due us part" because as the bride said "the odds of that happening are only 50-50"
HELLO!? if you are one that thinks marrige is a walk in the park!? NO you dumb shit!
its not... its hard and its work and compromise and a million other things that I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT?! But why give up!? and if youre gonna give up...
DONT GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!
Marrige is NOT the "next step" when a realtionship gets to a certain level... What the F*** is that!? It is not a way to SAVE a relationship...
dammit people stop with your lil dream worlds you live in.
I do believe in true love... and that... no one will ever read in a book, hear in a song or see on t.v. true love cannot be defined or explained in words... sorry to all of you that think you have accomplished the impossible but sorry.. you havent.
but i have never been married and i have very close friends that have experienced marrige and also experienced divorce... so i really have no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
aside from that...
some of the things that were not in the above criteria of what "societal success" is..
-understanding of ones self.
Which can only be reached in solitude and only then after understanding what
ones self is all about can i offer that to another human being... whom by the way
should understand what they are offering before they offer it!
-comfort of the moment.
-solace
-happiness
-appreciation of the smallest sliver of hope
-creativity
-art
-expression of ones self
-honesty
-self reflection
-adaptation
i mean what are we doing here?
what are we pursuing?
are we pursuing careers to what?
pursuing dreams to what?
take up the time we have, the miniscule amount of time that is our life on this planet that would not change if anyone of us ceased to exist right this second?
to keep our mind from the present by immersing ourselves in so many damn things at once we forget what is really on our minds...
so what you wanna be a CEO, CFO, President???
Great!
then what?
retire?
awesome...
then what?
live on a golf course in the everglades of florida basking in the sunlight while sipping your lil drink with the umbrella in it on the patio of your multimillion dollar mansion...
wonderful..wanna cookie?!
then what?
have kids and grandkids and instill in them the same "morals" that were instilled in you so they can pursue the most materialistic of things in hopes that they will find true happiness through diamonds and pearls, big stereo systems and fast cars...
i once heard a very very smart person say... "Money can't buy happiness, but it can pretty much buy everything else..."
so what? big deal.. without happiness whats the point in everything else?
but damn the man...
so i sit here a few days from christmas attempting to live in the now... cause thats what time it is...
and it will always be.. Now.
forget yesterday, stop looking to tomorrow and live now. dont put things off because "you'll get to it tomorrow".. thats crap! there is no tomorrow! say whatchu wanna say and be honest with yourself about it. or in the words of earnie williams "assume responsibility, personal responsibility for myself."
the things that i hold in my heart, the hurtful things that i couldnt do anything about... that i was a victim to... that was "not my fault" and i linger on because i was the poor helpless victim...
for example:
i was about 14 years old riding my bike home around 9:00 at night in the tiny town of inverness... my friends and i had just gone our seperate ways as the night came to a close...
on the way home at a four way stop sign a white honda accord pulled up and 3 guys that i had never seen in my life came up to me and started yellin at me... tellin me to tell my friends to keep their mouths shut pushin me around... before i could say a word the guy to the left punched me in mouth and after i didnt fall over the guy to the right decided he was going to pick my 5'-1" self up and throw me off my bike which he did...then, apparently, not being satisfied with the hill he just threw me down decided to come pick on me some more... it was dark and all i know is that he was a lot bigger than me.
he picked me up with one arm by the front of my shirt and hit me in the face a few times.. the whole world kinda spun i wasnt really sure what was going on...
the next thing i knew... some people in passing cars at the stop signs were honking their horns and yelling at the guys...
they stopped and got back in the car... only to follow behind me throwin whatever they could find in their car...
that was not a fun night...
i envoked none of that, knew none of those people and was totally a victim...
however...
i could have left earlier, i could have rode with someone, i could have taken a different path home, i could have not gone out that night, i could have gone to a friends house...
there is no fault... its not your fault that i got hurt.. and its not my fault... to place blame is a waste of time and energy and it gets nobody any further than where they were before they decided to point the finger.
accept responsibility for my actions, my mistakes and my triumphs...
apologize for my errors, forgive others when they apologize and move on.
ramble ramble ramble i do...
i was very distracted tonight.. and just wanted some peace and quiet so i could concentrate, however... i got none of that... however the music was great...
thanks bone
dec 18th 2004 gasoline alley headlining!
www.smilinmcgee.com
www.billyfloyd.com
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