It's not crazy.
I'm not sure why people say that.
And by "people", I mean me.
I used to say that a lot.
I just thought it actually, which is what sparked this opening.
Life can change so quickly.
We all say it.
We all know it.
But every time we experience it...
Every time it's my life that changes quickly...
I think: "Wow. That's crazy."
CRA·ZY
[krey-zee] | adjective, -zi·er, -zi·est, noun, plural -zies. |
- having an unusual, unexpected, or random quality, behavior, result, pattern, etc.
But it isn't really that crazy when I think about it.
It's actually quite the opposite.
It's almost expected.
There is always an ending.
If there wasn't an ending, there couldn't be a beginning.
And beginnings are fun.
Anyway...
Moving on...
Some interesting changes have found their way into my life.
And everything changed very quickly, extremely quickly actually.
Perhaps I am over thinking it though.
I hope I am, because if I'm not...
Well that just sucks.
I could smell the steamy fresh bullshit.
It seeped through my 3g connection and oozed out of my eVo.
:BEGIN CHARACTER BUILDING:
At first, I am kind to everyone I meet. (usually)
I am warm, and loving, caring, and understanding.
I can take a lot of criticism but, please, be aware of the line.
And there is, most definitely, a line.
Once you cross it, I usually take some time, in silence, to make sure that you know where you're standing.
Once I am aware that you do , in fact, understand where you're standing, and you don't care, I'll make sure you are aware.
And I'll even be nice about it.
But on the edge of not being nice about it.
I'm there now.
END CHARACTER BUILDING
Just a few days ago, I received some interesting news.
And by "interesting" I mean:
"garbage disposal fecal matter, served with a side of vanity."
Was I surprised?
Not really.
Was I upset that it actually happened?
A little.
I think I was more relieved than upset.
I got that "upset/relieved" feeling.
Like 98% relieved and 2% upset.
Or...
Maybe it was the other way around.
Maybe I was 98% Upset and 2% relieved.
But that's what makes it so intense, it's so confusing.
I can't really figure it out.
For a moment I felt as if I could finally breathe again.
I felt the energy change on a Wednesday and within a week...
ORDER UP! Hot shit on a plate with a side of indigestion!
Yeah, not the first time someone has done that to me.
And I'm sure it won't be the last.
In the past, I'd be upset about it for a some time.
I'd hold it with me, losing sleep, weight, interest, enthusiasm... everything.
I'd just slowly deteriorate until only the skeleton of this man remained, and then I would start the rebuilding process.
This time...
...isn't too different.
Hopefully it won't last long.
It's for the best right?
Serendipitous really.
Well...
so far. :)
No big deal though.
I feel like I came out on top, and that's all that matters.
Right?
It's pretty crazy, isn't it?
Damn.
There's that phrase again... ;)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Cure & The Antidote
We can't push back the pain.
Cover it up with dreams.
Or pretend that it's not real.
It is very real.
Somethings exist whether we believe in them or not.
Ignoring this frustration is only a path to more frustration.
But some things never change.
You and me.
Two candles burning in the darkness.
Never alone.
But always alone.
The closer we become, the farther apart we find ourselves.
It's frustrating in the least.
but I struck the first blow.
And then second.
And the third.
Those scars resonate through our lives.
They never go away.
They never disappear.
They will always be staring back at you.
For the rest of your life.
Scars create fear.
Fear creates distrust.
Distrust...
Well...
Distrust is poison.
Which there is no antidote.
There is no cure.
So it courses through our veins, and like anything running that same course, winds up on a highway to our heart.
The metropolis of life.
Once inside, distrust can wreak havoc on everything.
Every aspect of a life.
Distrust sneaks in with the shadows.
And sits there, awaiting the perfect time to strike.
Concocting a plan.
That will bring this empire down.
From the inside.
A Trojan Horse if you will.
To which there is no escape.
To which there is no surrender.
To which there is no survival.
Cover it up with dreams.
Or pretend that it's not real.
It is very real.
Somethings exist whether we believe in them or not.
Ignoring this frustration is only a path to more frustration.
But some things never change.
You and me.
Two candles burning in the darkness.
Never alone.
But always alone.
The closer we become, the farther apart we find ourselves.
It's frustrating in the least.
but I struck the first blow.
And then second.
And the third.
Those scars resonate through our lives.
They never go away.
They never disappear.
They will always be staring back at you.
For the rest of your life.
Scars create fear.
Fear creates distrust.
Distrust...
Well...
Distrust is poison.
Which there is no antidote.
There is no cure.
So it courses through our veins, and like anything running that same course, winds up on a highway to our heart.
The metropolis of life.
Once inside, distrust can wreak havoc on everything.
Every aspect of a life.
Distrust sneaks in with the shadows.
And sits there, awaiting the perfect time to strike.
Concocting a plan.
That will bring this empire down.
From the inside.
A Trojan Horse if you will.
To which there is no escape.
To which there is no surrender.
To which there is no survival.
Monday, April 18, 2011
People like you. And people like me. Some things neeeeeever change.
It's been almost 2 years since my last post here.
I used to post on this everyday.
Then I started thinking too much about it and what other people would think about what I had to say.
Who would I offend?
Who would I disappoint?
Who would I upset?
Who would I lose?
It's difficult to traverse the thin line of self proclamation and self control.
Verbal control more like it.
That filter we all talk about.
The thoughts that fill my mind and the gibberish that comes out after it's been passed through said filter.
All the sediment locked away.
All the real content 86'd, if you will, to leave only vague, non offensive material.
It's difficult to get back into the swing of writing what I'm thinking without the fear of reprisal.
I haven't been able to do that without masking it with creative lyrics and a catchy guitar riff for some years now.
Knowing that someone is reading this.
Maybe that someone thinks a random "you" is actually them.
Then the downward spiral continues.
Into the pits of dreary end and decimation of friends and relationships.
It upsets me when I see posts on the worst social networking addition ever that refer to "you".
e.g.
"You really have to stop being a jerk, or you're not going to have any friends."
?!?!?!
Why the %$#^ does someone say "you".
Why don't they just call them out?
@NAME <- There ya go, that'll get their attention. Fix it, don't just bitch about it.
Or just call them on the phone, see if they answer.
Send them a text, something, anything except vaguely calling someone out on facebook.
That's a bitch move.
It's confusing to me.
Chuck, I discovered, masked his anger with staying busy in his life.
Then when that busy-ness stopped, the anger caught up to him and he lashed out at people.
Mainly me.
For no reason that he would share with me, like an adult would.
He was a little baby about it.
His words:
"I'm not sure what it is, but every time I think about Billy, it turns my stomach."
Pansie.
Why don't you just man up and call me, or respond to one of my many attempts to contact you?
Why?
Because you like the drama. You like to maintain drama as a focal point for your anger.
You're not happy with your life, and it's in no way, shape, or form your fault, so who can you blame?
Blame the only guy that had the balls to tell you when you were being an idiot, and to straighten up before you destroy one of the most positive things you had going for you.
I tried for months to talk to him, maintain a friendship, repair the bridge that he, himself destroyed.
BUT WHY?
Why would I go out of my way time after time to repair something someone else destroyed?
Why would anyone?
Stop the facebook wining and call the person on the phone.
then...
FIX THE PROBLEM!
But most people like the problems, they like the drama.
If it weren't for the drama in their life, they would have nothing to talk about around the dinner table with their significant other, or at the bar with their buddies.
Some people let drama continue so their life can be that much more interesting and they can offer their interpretation as part of a circle jerk bitch fest.
But you hurt the ones you love the most.
Isn't that how the saying goes?
Yes, that's how the saying goes.
He blocked me on facebook, won't answer text's or calls.
And he "Doesn't know why."
What kind of lame cow crap is that?
You don't know why?
People that say they don't know why are 1 of two things.
#1 A Liar
or
#2 A LIAR
I'm kind of hoping that this will generate an "OMG I have to show him this right away."
That would be awesome.
I've tried many ways to contact said Mongolian and alas, nada.
That's enough about the past, let's talk about the present.
My feet are stuck in 3 feet of "I care what everyone thinks" mud.
I do this, that and the other thing to make others happy.
Only to receive their approval which in turn makes me happy.
I feel as if I'm at a fork in the road.
But instead of 3, 4, or 5 tongs, there are thousands.
Which way to go?
What to do next?
Where to go from here?
Is this the right way?
Am I on the right track?
There was a quote in the movie "Repo Men":
"So what is it I'm writing? It's not just some cranky memoir or even an attempt to apologize indirectly for what I've done. This is a cautionary tale. I hope that you might learn from my mistakes because in the end, a job is not just a job. It's who you are. If you want to change who are you have to change what you do."
You are your job.
If you serve tables, you'll always be the server.
If you mop floors, you'll always be the mopper.
If you sing songs, you'll always be the singer.
If you fix cars, you'll always be the fixer.
If you want to change who you are, you have to change what you do.
What are you goals?
Shit.
What are my goals?
I have no idea anymore.
I have no clue what day it is.
What year it is.
And if I did know.
Does it even matter?
Not really.
In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters.
But in the small world of our individual lives, maybe it does matter?
But in the end.
It doesn't.
A friend told me the other day.
"The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time."
Which put some things into perspective, and made difficult other variations of enjoyment.
Just more to think about.
Some deep philosophical .b.s meant to consume our thoughts and minds.
But I'm getting off track here.
I've been uneasy for a while.
Trying to find my place in this world.
Waiting for it to feel right.
And it doesn't
None of the aspect of my professional or personal life feel right.
it all feels wrong.
It feels like I'm living someones life alright.
but not my own.
I have a job that teaches me a lot every day, but I'm moving away from my actual goal.
I got into this to meet the right people and move my career in one direction, where in fact I feel like I'm doing exactly the opposite.
I mean, I'm meeting the right people, but the effect is the complete opposite of the desired effect.
So what to do?
Do I wait it out longer for the same people to care, that haven't thus far?
When will it change?
Wake up and smell the coffee!!!
Nothing changes.
People don't change.
And if you want something done right you need the right motivator.
Power or Money.
The funny thing is: with one thing, if utilized correctly, the other will follow shortly.
Not many generous hearts out there anymore.
Why would person A help person B out when all person B is going to do is leave anyway?
Sounds kind of selfish to me.
But I have my moments too.
I've had my tendencies to fight for myself only.
In my defense it's that whole thing about:
if you want something done right... blah blah blah.
yeah.
That's true.
Of if you want something done right, have something the other person wants.
it's crazy, this world.
What happened to people helping people because it just makes the world a better place?
When did it become all about "me" and what you can do for "me" and what you can get for "me"?
When and why?
The days of lending a helping hand are over.
But I try to keep it alive.
And I fail...
A lot.
A wise man once told me that we will all fail way more than we succeed, but to never stop trying.
I look at it this way.
If you never play, you'll never lose.
But!
If you never play, you'll never win either.
I'm going to think about that while I drop a deuce and play video games on my phone.
Sleep well internet people.
G'night.
billyfloyd@gmail.com
http://www.twitter.com/billyfloyd
p.s. Don't push too hard or you'll blow out your O-ring.
I used to post on this everyday.
Then I started thinking too much about it and what other people would think about what I had to say.
Who would I offend?
Who would I disappoint?
Who would I upset?
Who would I lose?
It's difficult to traverse the thin line of self proclamation and self control.
Verbal control more like it.
That filter we all talk about.
The thoughts that fill my mind and the gibberish that comes out after it's been passed through said filter.
All the sediment locked away.
All the real content 86'd, if you will, to leave only vague, non offensive material.
It's difficult to get back into the swing of writing what I'm thinking without the fear of reprisal.
I haven't been able to do that without masking it with creative lyrics and a catchy guitar riff for some years now.
Knowing that someone is reading this.
Maybe that someone thinks a random "you" is actually them.
Then the downward spiral continues.
Into the pits of dreary end and decimation of friends and relationships.
It upsets me when I see posts on the worst social networking addition ever that refer to "you".
e.g.
"You really have to stop being a jerk, or you're not going to have any friends."
?!?!?!
Why the %$#^ does someone say "you".
Why don't they just call them out?
@NAME <- There ya go, that'll get their attention. Fix it, don't just bitch about it.
Or just call them on the phone, see if they answer.
Send them a text, something, anything except vaguely calling someone out on facebook.
That's a bitch move.
It's confusing to me.
Chuck, I discovered, masked his anger with staying busy in his life.
Then when that busy-ness stopped, the anger caught up to him and he lashed out at people.
Mainly me.
For no reason that he would share with me, like an adult would.
He was a little baby about it.
His words:
"I'm not sure what it is, but every time I think about Billy, it turns my stomach."
Pansie.
Why don't you just man up and call me, or respond to one of my many attempts to contact you?
Why?
Because you like the drama. You like to maintain drama as a focal point for your anger.
You're not happy with your life, and it's in no way, shape, or form your fault, so who can you blame?
Blame the only guy that had the balls to tell you when you were being an idiot, and to straighten up before you destroy one of the most positive things you had going for you.
I tried for months to talk to him, maintain a friendship, repair the bridge that he, himself destroyed.
BUT WHY?
Why would I go out of my way time after time to repair something someone else destroyed?
Why would anyone?
Stop the facebook wining and call the person on the phone.
then...
FIX THE PROBLEM!
But most people like the problems, they like the drama.
If it weren't for the drama in their life, they would have nothing to talk about around the dinner table with their significant other, or at the bar with their buddies.
Some people let drama continue so their life can be that much more interesting and they can offer their interpretation as part of a circle jerk bitch fest.
But you hurt the ones you love the most.
Isn't that how the saying goes?
Yes, that's how the saying goes.
He blocked me on facebook, won't answer text's or calls.
And he "Doesn't know why."
What kind of lame cow crap is that?
You don't know why?
People that say they don't know why are 1 of two things.
#1 A Liar
or
#2 A LIAR
I'm kind of hoping that this will generate an "OMG I have to show him this right away."
That would be awesome.
I've tried many ways to contact said Mongolian and alas, nada.
That's enough about the past, let's talk about the present.
My feet are stuck in 3 feet of "I care what everyone thinks" mud.
I do this, that and the other thing to make others happy.
Only to receive their approval which in turn makes me happy.
I feel as if I'm at a fork in the road.
But instead of 3, 4, or 5 tongs, there are thousands.
Which way to go?
What to do next?
Where to go from here?
Is this the right way?
Am I on the right track?
There was a quote in the movie "Repo Men":
"So what is it I'm writing? It's not just some cranky memoir or even an attempt to apologize indirectly for what I've done. This is a cautionary tale. I hope that you might learn from my mistakes because in the end, a job is not just a job. It's who you are. If you want to change who are you have to change what you do."
You are your job.
If you serve tables, you'll always be the server.
If you mop floors, you'll always be the mopper.
If you sing songs, you'll always be the singer.
If you fix cars, you'll always be the fixer.
If you want to change who you are, you have to change what you do.
What are you goals?
Shit.
What are my goals?
I have no idea anymore.
I have no clue what day it is.
What year it is.
And if I did know.
Does it even matter?
Not really.
In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters.
But in the small world of our individual lives, maybe it does matter?
But in the end.
It doesn't.
A friend told me the other day.
"The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time."
Which put some things into perspective, and made difficult other variations of enjoyment.
Just more to think about.
Some deep philosophical .b.s meant to consume our thoughts and minds.
But I'm getting off track here.
I've been uneasy for a while.
Trying to find my place in this world.
Waiting for it to feel right.
And it doesn't
None of the aspect of my professional or personal life feel right.
it all feels wrong.
It feels like I'm living someones life alright.
but not my own.
I have a job that teaches me a lot every day, but I'm moving away from my actual goal.
I got into this to meet the right people and move my career in one direction, where in fact I feel like I'm doing exactly the opposite.
I mean, I'm meeting the right people, but the effect is the complete opposite of the desired effect.
So what to do?
Do I wait it out longer for the same people to care, that haven't thus far?
When will it change?
Wake up and smell the coffee!!!
Nothing changes.
People don't change.
And if you want something done right you need the right motivator.
Power or Money.
The funny thing is: with one thing, if utilized correctly, the other will follow shortly.
Not many generous hearts out there anymore.
Why would person A help person B out when all person B is going to do is leave anyway?
Sounds kind of selfish to me.
But I have my moments too.
I've had my tendencies to fight for myself only.
In my defense it's that whole thing about:
if you want something done right... blah blah blah.
yeah.
That's true.
Of if you want something done right, have something the other person wants.
it's crazy, this world.
What happened to people helping people because it just makes the world a better place?
When did it become all about "me" and what you can do for "me" and what you can get for "me"?
When and why?
The days of lending a helping hand are over.
But I try to keep it alive.
And I fail...
A lot.
A wise man once told me that we will all fail way more than we succeed, but to never stop trying.
I look at it this way.
If you never play, you'll never lose.
But!
If you never play, you'll never win either.
I'm going to think about that while I drop a deuce and play video games on my phone.
Sleep well internet people.
G'night.
billyfloyd@gmail.com
http://www.twitter.com/billyfloyd
p.s. Don't push too hard or you'll blow out your O-ring.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
We're An Interesting Species, Aren't We?
I think "people watching" has been and will always be one of the most popular past times shared by guys and gals of all ages, races, and ethnicity.
Although I haven't found a Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter Page for "People Watching", there are people at this very moment all over the world that are having some coffee, reading the tribune and watching this fascinating world turn. Just taking in the sights and watching the interaction between friends, families, strangers, and luhvahs.
Every now and then it's a very rewarding experience to be part of this human race. I see some great deeds. Others opening doors for others. A person tossing something to the garbage bin as it barely misses, then turning around to pick it up and deliver it to it's original destination.
I meet a lot of new people every single day. Some of these people I will never ever see again... Ever. However, despite my level of knowledge of their past, present, and future nothing is stopping me from introducing myself and asking them about their day so far but me.
It's just an individual challenge for myself.
I suggest you try it as well.
Start small..
Say hello to someone new in the line at McDonalds waiting for your BigMac. In the line at Publix ready to check out. Then move on to a small convo then to a bigger convo.
Granted you'll probably meet those people that won't stop talking; but usually they have the best stories, and are excited to share them with you. Indulge them. Listen to them and in turn they might even ask how your day is going.
Do this with a sense of caution because not everyone out there is a cool cat.
Use your insight and your instinct correctly. Open up your heart and your mind and who knows? You might meet a new person that will add a hint of spice to your life.
Yes there are a lot of bad people out there...
But there are also a lot of awesome people out there as well.
Have faith in people.
And the next time you find yourself in the perfect situation.
Introduce yourself and see what happens next.
Every day I wake up the same question crosses my mind.
We're An Interesting Species, Aren't We?
Although I haven't found a Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter Page for "People Watching", there are people at this very moment all over the world that are having some coffee, reading the tribune and watching this fascinating world turn. Just taking in the sights and watching the interaction between friends, families, strangers, and luhvahs.
Every now and then it's a very rewarding experience to be part of this human race. I see some great deeds. Others opening doors for others. A person tossing something to the garbage bin as it barely misses, then turning around to pick it up and deliver it to it's original destination.
I meet a lot of new people every single day. Some of these people I will never ever see again... Ever. However, despite my level of knowledge of their past, present, and future nothing is stopping me from introducing myself and asking them about their day so far but me.
It's just an individual challenge for myself.
I suggest you try it as well.
Start small..
Say hello to someone new in the line at McDonalds waiting for your BigMac. In the line at Publix ready to check out. Then move on to a small convo then to a bigger convo.
Granted you'll probably meet those people that won't stop talking; but usually they have the best stories, and are excited to share them with you. Indulge them. Listen to them and in turn they might even ask how your day is going.
Do this with a sense of caution because not everyone out there is a cool cat.
Use your insight and your instinct correctly. Open up your heart and your mind and who knows? You might meet a new person that will add a hint of spice to your life.
Yes there are a lot of bad people out there...
But there are also a lot of awesome people out there as well.
Have faith in people.
And the next time you find yourself in the perfect situation.
Introduce yourself and see what happens next.
Every day I wake up the same question crosses my mind.
We're An Interesting Species, Aren't We?
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
Once you're hooked, you're hooked.
I can go a few days without it.
Not many; but I can go a few.
and when I say "go" I mean...
...last.
and when I say "last" I mean...
...withstand.
and when I say "............
just playin.
Anyway,
I'm pretty hopeful that by this time into this blog you have construed a mental image of your interpretation of "go, last, or withstand a few day without it."; and perhaps managed to substitute your own idea of what "it" really is.
I have mine.
I'm sure in some way you have yours.
Unless I'm wrong.
Which I don't believe I am. ;)
So...
It only takes a few days without it and suddenly something seems to be screwing up my Chi.
There are times that I am more successful at coping with these issues than others.
It's only noticeable while it's going on.
It took me a while to realize what that disturbingly, unsatisfactory punch in the mouth was that in turn could quickly push me into a pretty unsavory mood.
Especially when I first started.
That feeling would last and last. (the punch in the mouth feeling)
I couldn't wait til the next time and it was almost like everything else was just getting in the way.
And when I was finally able to get it.. it was as if I had waited a lifetime for it and the experience itself... lasted only seconds.
Until the next time. Oh, so far away.
It didn't take me very long to asses the situation and determine that I was addicted.
But once you're hooked...
Bah! Good luck.
Started to get the shakes... It's all I thought about... It's all I wanted...
It's all I needed.
And soon...
It will be mine again.
Mwahahahahahahahaaaaaa!
-billy
billyfloyd.com
find me on facebook
follow me on twitter
myspace.com/billyfloydmusic
listen to me on cdbaby.com/billyfloyd
Not many; but I can go a few.
and when I say "go" I mean...
...last.
and when I say "last" I mean...
...withstand.
and when I say "............
just playin.
Anyway,
I'm pretty hopeful that by this time into this blog you have construed a mental image of your interpretation of "go, last, or withstand a few day without it."; and perhaps managed to substitute your own idea of what "it" really is.
I have mine.
I'm sure in some way you have yours.
Unless I'm wrong.
Which I don't believe I am. ;)
So...
It only takes a few days without it and suddenly something seems to be screwing up my Chi.
There are times that I am more successful at coping with these issues than others.
It's only noticeable while it's going on.
It took me a while to realize what that disturbingly, unsatisfactory punch in the mouth was that in turn could quickly push me into a pretty unsavory mood.
Especially when I first started.
That feeling would last and last. (the punch in the mouth feeling)
I couldn't wait til the next time and it was almost like everything else was just getting in the way.
And when I was finally able to get it.. it was as if I had waited a lifetime for it and the experience itself... lasted only seconds.
Until the next time. Oh, so far away.
It didn't take me very long to asses the situation and determine that I was addicted.
But once you're hooked...
Bah! Good luck.
Started to get the shakes... It's all I thought about... It's all I wanted...
It's all I needed.
And soon...
It will be mine again.
Mwahahahahahahahaaaaaa!
-billy
billyfloyd.com
find me on facebook
follow me on twitter
myspace.com/billyfloydmusic
listen to me on cdbaby.com/billyfloyd
Thursday, March 26, 2009
As the Jukebox fades....
The lights dim slowly in the house.
The Jukebox fades.
The stage lights shine gently as everyone is waiting..........
It's interesting I think. Those few seconds between the silence of the world and the sound of music lies the choice to prevail and the choice to become just another voice quickly forgotten.
Without a band behind me. It was a moment of awakening. A moment that my ability was put to the test and the results lay in no other hands but my own.
No Electric Guitar to mask the vocals.
No bass or drums to keep the rhythm, to keep the beat.
The Beat is my own.
The Guitar is my groove.
There is a lot to be said about the courage and investment of time it takes to be able to entertain an uncertain crwod for 45 minutes. How would someone be able to captivate a crowd, rock their hearts and then put the entire experience into words?
It all happens so fast.
What I thought would be 45 minutes of forever, became 45 minutes of a few fleeting moments.
The crowd was awesomely receptive. They were responsive and positive the entire time. Great applause and positive affirmation. After every song I was able to reconnect with the audience. A joke. A story about the song to come mixed with some clever comments and conversation brought everyone back to the night. The energy was great and about 2 songs in I was warmed up and ready to rock. I had gone over this set multiple times. Practiced every crescendo, perfected every dynamic transition and, to my amazement, remembered every lyric. If you've ever been able to catch a glimpse of a lyric sheet of mine you've noticed that I'm not the kind of writer that repeats line for line... over and over... time and time again. Yeah.. that's not me. I have a story to tell and only a few minutes to do it. So I make sure I'm able to paint a full picture of the content and emotion in only a number of seconds for everyone to understand.
Sooooo....
Underworld, the very last song, was a bit of a dedication. An understanding and message to calm the worries of a strong heart and offer mine in return. After that last song. After the applause had settled down, there I was. Unplugging 1/4" cables and breaking down FXpedals. Trying to make it happen quickly so the next band could setup and rock. The house music had not come back on yet and I was working in somewhat of an interesting silence. Still on stage, Still under the lights, and silent.
Then...
A single applause came from the crowd.
Then Two.
Then Three...
One by one hands were coming together in applause throughout the club.
I looked up to find everyone applauding. Yelling and Cheering, Hand shakes and High Fives.
What a great night that was.
Right at that second I truly believed that I was where I was supposed to be.
Right at The time,
on that stage,
in that moment.
So, to everyone that was there. Thank you.
Thank you to everyone for your support and your applause.
It brought the night from Awesome to Amazing and for that I am forever in your debt.
Keep in touch.
And I'll do the same.
Until next time.
Live it, Love it, Don't ever let it go.
If you have it, hold it. If you want it, get it.
Peace, Love, and Happiness.
Thanks Again,
Billy
Some Digi-Music for your listening pleasure // Ask and you shall receive.
The Jukebox fades.
The stage lights shine gently as everyone is waiting..........
It's interesting I think. Those few seconds between the silence of the world and the sound of music lies the choice to prevail and the choice to become just another voice quickly forgotten.
Without a band behind me. It was a moment of awakening. A moment that my ability was put to the test and the results lay in no other hands but my own.
No Electric Guitar to mask the vocals.
No bass or drums to keep the rhythm, to keep the beat.
The Beat is my own.
The Guitar is my groove.
There is a lot to be said about the courage and investment of time it takes to be able to entertain an uncertain crwod for 45 minutes. How would someone be able to captivate a crowd, rock their hearts and then put the entire experience into words?
It all happens so fast.
What I thought would be 45 minutes of forever, became 45 minutes of a few fleeting moments.
The crowd was awesomely receptive. They were responsive and positive the entire time. Great applause and positive affirmation. After every song I was able to reconnect with the audience. A joke. A story about the song to come mixed with some clever comments and conversation brought everyone back to the night. The energy was great and about 2 songs in I was warmed up and ready to rock. I had gone over this set multiple times. Practiced every crescendo, perfected every dynamic transition and, to my amazement, remembered every lyric. If you've ever been able to catch a glimpse of a lyric sheet of mine you've noticed that I'm not the kind of writer that repeats line for line... over and over... time and time again. Yeah.. that's not me. I have a story to tell and only a few minutes to do it. So I make sure I'm able to paint a full picture of the content and emotion in only a number of seconds for everyone to understand.
Sooooo....
Underworld, the very last song, was a bit of a dedication. An understanding and message to calm the worries of a strong heart and offer mine in return. After that last song. After the applause had settled down, there I was. Unplugging 1/4" cables and breaking down FXpedals. Trying to make it happen quickly so the next band could setup and rock. The house music had not come back on yet and I was working in somewhat of an interesting silence. Still on stage, Still under the lights, and silent.
Then...
A single applause came from the crowd.
Then Two.
Then Three...
One by one hands were coming together in applause throughout the club.
I looked up to find everyone applauding. Yelling and Cheering, Hand shakes and High Fives.
What a great night that was.
Right at that second I truly believed that I was where I was supposed to be.
Right at The time,
on that stage,
in that moment.
So, to everyone that was there. Thank you.
Thank you to everyone for your support and your applause.
It brought the night from Awesome to Amazing and for that I am forever in your debt.
Keep in touch.
And I'll do the same.
Until next time.
Live it, Love it, Don't ever let it go.
If you have it, hold it. If you want it, get it.
Peace, Love, and Happiness.
Thanks Again,
Billy
Some Digi-Music for your listening pleasure // Ask and you shall receive.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
2 days
knock, knock, knock.
brought me back to reality today.
I had been daydreaming about what the french call a certain, "I don't know what", when that sound hit my ears.
So to the door I went.
It's always interesting meeting the people that knock on your door at 10 in the morning.
Some of my friends are quick to dispatch these people.
Yes sometimes they want to sell you something...
Okay... well...
Most of the time they want to sell you something.
I remember this one time, at band camp, I opened the door to a well dressed guy with a 2 liter of Pepsi in his hand.
(note: don't ever open the door for a guy with a 2 liter of Pepsi in his hand)
I did.
One guy became two guys, and they were quickly walking into my house with a bunch of big plastic cases, talking about the best vacuum in the world.
Well, anyone that knows me understands my affinity for a bad-ass vacuum.
However, bad ass to me is the dyson powerball - $499.99 at select retailers.
Bad-ass to them was a "Kirby", which I had never heard of before. They seemed kind of offended I hadn't heard of Kirby.
My ex-girlfriend got pissed at me once because her yuppie friend had just purchased a new pair of eye glasses from a name I didn't recognize.
I asked him to repeat it because I hadn't heard of it before and received a pretty intense tongue lashing from my girlfriend for that one.
Hence my EX-girlfriend.
back to the story that isn't really the story yet.
2 guys became 1 guy. The original guy, with the 2 liter of Pepsi in his hand, left his buddy alone. In my house. With a $2,500.00 vacuum. And a guy that's slightly off his rocker and has a love for Vacuums.
Brave.
Well this Vacuum was over 2,500.00 dollars which really blew my mind; but he was interested in showing me how awesome it was, and I wasn't gonna stop them. Although I did re-enforce the fact that by no means was I interested in his product. he was still insistent that he did his demo.
It was an educational event.
This morning however, I met Hugh. A 79 year young Haitian gentlemen that wanted to talk to me about the Bible. I always like these guys. They ask the questions that I like to punch little holes in with my arsenal of articulation.
He was very calm, very insightful, very devout.
He has a strong belief in his belief and I like to see that in people, even if I don't share in their passion for it.
I don't mind listening to different views on religion, politics, pro-choice, not pro-choice.
It's interesting to me to understand the perspective.
What I don't appreciate is someone trying to prove to me that I am wrong and they are right.
It's almost like they are playing the fingers and I am the Chinese trap.
The harder they pull to get their way, the harder it is to sway my opinion.
Not that it could be swayed to any particular extreme, but a little bending to comprehend a point of view is not outside my realm of compensation.
Hugh, however was not trying to force anything on me. It was very interesting to listen to him talk about his life, the things and rules he believes in and follows with vigor.
He had great passion for his purpose and asked insightful questions that I should not take so lightly and answer so quickly.
He definitely sparked my pondering mind today.
Why are we here?
What is our purpose?
What happens in the end?
Is "the end" truly "the end"?
All life's questions that have been questions long before our time; and will remain unanswered questions long after blogging and the internet is ancient history.
Those are 4 simple questions that I think about constantly.
My relationship with Hugh was short lived but direct. Sometimes the people that we meet have great words of wisdom that, if we choose, can assist us in a greater understanding of...
something.
I finished the set list for Friday.
I've received a lot of requests for certain songs.
I think this will satisfy all the inquisitions.
I invite your requests and I will do my best to fulfill them.
Thank you again for your time.
illyBloydF
March 20th - holly n Dolly's
March 22nd - The Art of Coffee
www.myspace.com/billyfloydmusic
www.billyfloyd.com
search for me on google
find me on facebook.
follow me on twitter.
brought me back to reality today.
I had been daydreaming about what the french call a certain, "I don't know what", when that sound hit my ears.
So to the door I went.
It's always interesting meeting the people that knock on your door at 10 in the morning.
Some of my friends are quick to dispatch these people.
Yes sometimes they want to sell you something...
Okay... well...
Most of the time they want to sell you something.
I remember this one time, at band camp, I opened the door to a well dressed guy with a 2 liter of Pepsi in his hand.
(note: don't ever open the door for a guy with a 2 liter of Pepsi in his hand)
I did.
One guy became two guys, and they were quickly walking into my house with a bunch of big plastic cases, talking about the best vacuum in the world.
Well, anyone that knows me understands my affinity for a bad-ass vacuum.
However, bad ass to me is the dyson powerball - $499.99 at select retailers.
Bad-ass to them was a "Kirby", which I had never heard of before. They seemed kind of offended I hadn't heard of Kirby.
My ex-girlfriend got pissed at me once because her yuppie friend had just purchased a new pair of eye glasses from a name I didn't recognize.
I asked him to repeat it because I hadn't heard of it before and received a pretty intense tongue lashing from my girlfriend for that one.
Hence my EX-girlfriend.
back to the story that isn't really the story yet.
2 guys became 1 guy. The original guy, with the 2 liter of Pepsi in his hand, left his buddy alone. In my house. With a $2,500.00 vacuum. And a guy that's slightly off his rocker and has a love for Vacuums.
Brave.
Well this Vacuum was over 2,500.00 dollars which really blew my mind; but he was interested in showing me how awesome it was, and I wasn't gonna stop them. Although I did re-enforce the fact that by no means was I interested in his product. he was still insistent that he did his demo.
It was an educational event.
This morning however, I met Hugh. A 79 year young Haitian gentlemen that wanted to talk to me about the Bible. I always like these guys. They ask the questions that I like to punch little holes in with my arsenal of articulation.
He was very calm, very insightful, very devout.
He has a strong belief in his belief and I like to see that in people, even if I don't share in their passion for it.
I don't mind listening to different views on religion, politics, pro-choice, not pro-choice.
It's interesting to me to understand the perspective.
What I don't appreciate is someone trying to prove to me that I am wrong and they are right.
It's almost like they are playing the fingers and I am the Chinese trap.
The harder they pull to get their way, the harder it is to sway my opinion.
Not that it could be swayed to any particular extreme, but a little bending to comprehend a point of view is not outside my realm of compensation.
Hugh, however was not trying to force anything on me. It was very interesting to listen to him talk about his life, the things and rules he believes in and follows with vigor.
He had great passion for his purpose and asked insightful questions that I should not take so lightly and answer so quickly.
He definitely sparked my pondering mind today.
Why are we here?
What is our purpose?
What happens in the end?
Is "the end" truly "the end"?
All life's questions that have been questions long before our time; and will remain unanswered questions long after blogging and the internet is ancient history.
Those are 4 simple questions that I think about constantly.
My relationship with Hugh was short lived but direct. Sometimes the people that we meet have great words of wisdom that, if we choose, can assist us in a greater understanding of...
something.
I finished the set list for Friday.
I've received a lot of requests for certain songs.
I think this will satisfy all the inquisitions.
I invite your requests and I will do my best to fulfill them.
Thank you again for your time.
illyBloydF
March 20th - holly n Dolly's
March 22nd - The Art of Coffee
www.myspace.com/billyfloydmusic
www.billyfloyd.com
search for me on google
find me on facebook.
follow me on twitter.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The 20:8 on the 15-3
When they say times moves faster as time passes they are not kidding around.
There have been a few quotes that I've read that bring the focus back to::: If you're willing to wait until tomorrow to do "it" (the it referring to whatever goal you have next on your to do list) then you are willing to die before it gets done.
Does anyone know what today signifies?
March 15th?
Hmm.. anybody?
Well usually in a restaurant you have two types of salad choices... at least..
a house salad / tossed salad... ha... tossed salad...
Anyway, those usually come with the standard salad ingredients.
Then you have your other option with is usually Romaine lettuce, croutons, Parmesan cheese and a particular dressing that is also in the title.
anyways... that dude was given the key to the kingdom and the power to protect it.. and never gave up his power.
Granted he built one of the most powerful empires to date, he did it in a slightly shady way.
so today is his day... sort of.
The older you get the faster time moves.
The younger we are there is nothing to do and time passes so slowly. Nothing much to do, not enough time to do it.
Then the older we get we realize that we can never fully finish a to-do list before we start another one.
then that one list merges with two...
with three...
then days
weeks
months
years
decades pass.
and we still find ourselves with pen in hand and letter on sheet trying to give our life some sort of organization.
Here's a tip.
Put your list down.
Go outside
Lose yourself in the wonderment of our sky and try to pan back from yourself; straight up... little by little...
To where you are 10 feet high, 50 feet high, 100 feet high.. and try to keep in mind the space you take up on this earth in this time.
It's fairly difficult to do.
If anyone really tries it, it can be mentally exhausting trying to fill in all the details without losing concentration and breaking the picture.
A sudden insignificance will probably be the first thing that enters your mind.
The world is so big.
and I am so small.
try to get past that one... we're all small compared to the World
think about the people that have stood where you are standing now.
For hundreds of years men, women, children, grandmothers, and grandfathers stood right where you are standing now and existed.
Tried to make sense of all of this.
And perhaps they did.
Perhaps they figured out the world.
perhaps they didn't.
In the end.
It's all bullshit
The only thing that matters is what you do with your time RIGHT NOW.
If you've want to be a painter, paint.
If you want to be a teacher, teach.
The only thing holding you back...
is you.
So drop the list,
Forget the time,
And pursue your life.
Baz Lurhman said it.
"the race is long, but in the end, it's only with yourself."
-thank you for typing this.
-youre welcome :)
-/03/15/09/- Sunday -
Show this Friday at Holly and Dolly's
Show this Sunday at The Art of Coffee.
be there.
or be a rectangle.
-Billy Flizzle De Dizzle~!
There have been a few quotes that I've read that bring the focus back to::: If you're willing to wait until tomorrow to do "it" (the it referring to whatever goal you have next on your to do list) then you are willing to die before it gets done.
Does anyone know what today signifies?
March 15th?
Hmm.. anybody?
Well usually in a restaurant you have two types of salad choices... at least..
a house salad / tossed salad... ha... tossed salad...
Anyway, those usually come with the standard salad ingredients.
Then you have your other option with is usually Romaine lettuce, croutons, Parmesan cheese and a particular dressing that is also in the title.
anyways... that dude was given the key to the kingdom and the power to protect it.. and never gave up his power.
Granted he built one of the most powerful empires to date, he did it in a slightly shady way.
so today is his day... sort of.
The older you get the faster time moves.
The younger we are there is nothing to do and time passes so slowly. Nothing much to do, not enough time to do it.
Then the older we get we realize that we can never fully finish a to-do list before we start another one.
then that one list merges with two...
with three...
then days
weeks
months
years
decades pass.
and we still find ourselves with pen in hand and letter on sheet trying to give our life some sort of organization.
Here's a tip.
Put your list down.
Go outside
Lose yourself in the wonderment of our sky and try to pan back from yourself; straight up... little by little...
To where you are 10 feet high, 50 feet high, 100 feet high.. and try to keep in mind the space you take up on this earth in this time.
It's fairly difficult to do.
If anyone really tries it, it can be mentally exhausting trying to fill in all the details without losing concentration and breaking the picture.
A sudden insignificance will probably be the first thing that enters your mind.
The world is so big.
and I am so small.
try to get past that one... we're all small compared to the World
think about the people that have stood where you are standing now.
For hundreds of years men, women, children, grandmothers, and grandfathers stood right where you are standing now and existed.
Tried to make sense of all of this.
And perhaps they did.
Perhaps they figured out the world.
perhaps they didn't.
In the end.
It's all bullshit
The only thing that matters is what you do with your time RIGHT NOW.
If you've want to be a painter, paint.
If you want to be a teacher, teach.
The only thing holding you back...
is you.
So drop the list,
Forget the time,
And pursue your life.
Baz Lurhman said it.
"the race is long, but in the end, it's only with yourself."
-thank you for typing this.
-youre welcome :)
-/03/15/09/- Sunday -
Show this Friday at Holly and Dolly's
Show this Sunday at The Art of Coffee.
be there.
or be a rectangle.
-Billy Flizzle De Dizzle~!
Thursday, October 13, 2005
intuition
i kinda felt it..
i had a feeling it would be the last time..
so i made sure to show a lot of love..
gave him hugs and kisses and played with him as much as he could play..
i kinda saw it in his eyes..
i wasnt gonna see him again..
he knew it
i knew it..
and i think we both came to terms there sitting in the living room..
and when i left i was sure to say goodbye and ill see ya later..
if its possible for dogs to have a personality which i absolutely believe..
he was the coolest and chillest dog around..
just totally relaxed but playful at the same time..
he was so nice.. he would be right there next to my dad everytime he went for a walk..
even in his later years when you could see his struggle..
he was right there.. doin his best..
...
i still remember when he was small enough to dart between the couch and the end table..
and i still remember the first time he realized he was growing... which was just after he got stuck.. trying to dart between the couch and the end table..
i hope the movies right.. cause if there is a heaven for dogs...
...i know Andy's there..
Andy Floyd
October 7th 2005
-I miss you already-
i had a feeling it would be the last time..
so i made sure to show a lot of love..
gave him hugs and kisses and played with him as much as he could play..
i kinda saw it in his eyes..
i wasnt gonna see him again..
he knew it
i knew it..
and i think we both came to terms there sitting in the living room..
and when i left i was sure to say goodbye and ill see ya later..
if its possible for dogs to have a personality which i absolutely believe..
he was the coolest and chillest dog around..
just totally relaxed but playful at the same time..
he was so nice.. he would be right there next to my dad everytime he went for a walk..
even in his later years when you could see his struggle..
he was right there.. doin his best..
...
i still remember when he was small enough to dart between the couch and the end table..
and i still remember the first time he realized he was growing... which was just after he got stuck.. trying to dart between the couch and the end table..
i hope the movies right.. cause if there is a heaven for dogs...
...i know Andy's there..
Andy Floyd
October 7th 2005
-I miss you already-
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
it was the most emotional step in the history of man and has forever contained more emotion than any word ever will..
it was here before us. all of us.
And it will be here much later than we are..
'cause it does not only exist in the human race... but in everything.
..the sea..
....the wind..
......life itself..
it is the very foundation for pure emotion..
and thats why i love it so much..
man simply learned it..
but we are not the inventor..
we will always be students...
of music.
it was here before us. all of us.
And it will be here much later than we are..
'cause it does not only exist in the human race... but in everything.
..the sea..
....the wind..
......life itself..
it is the very foundation for pure emotion..
and thats why i love it so much..
man simply learned it..
but we are not the inventor..
we will always be students...
of music.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
...changed really.
just in from work august 30th 2005 11:something
so i guess there have been some interesting changes in my life... just throughout the summer and the months to follow..
Brian has started furthering his education in tally..
the only real difference now is that.. hes not playin bass in tallahassee.
Allen has started focusing on his personal life.. professional career, relationships
with those around him..
the only real differences there are.... ummmm.............
well.. his drums are still here.. not being played.. and hes still not ever here..
so i guess he just reliquished his title..
everything else is pretty much the same.
Garrett has started doing.. umm...
............................................................................
...........................................................................
..............*takes a breath*....................................
............................................................................
....still not being here... yeah... thanks.
but..
i have some songs that i have pretty excited about for some time..
thats good..
work is good..
good changes..
moneys good..
fams good..
However...
I have an issue that i would like to discuss.. and its...
its...
hmm... damn... i know i had a good one..
oh yeah..
i remember now..
if you slow me down again i will cut you off and watch you fall...
until you reconcile with the lies...
with the truths and all the bullshit between...
then.. we'll dance again.
and then again...
ill watch you fall.
.
12:03am Aug 31st 2005
so i guess there have been some interesting changes in my life... just throughout the summer and the months to follow..
Brian has started furthering his education in tally..
the only real difference now is that.. hes not playin bass in tallahassee.
Allen has started focusing on his personal life.. professional career, relationships
with those around him..
the only real differences there are.... ummmm.............
well.. his drums are still here.. not being played.. and hes still not ever here..
so i guess he just reliquished his title..
everything else is pretty much the same.
Garrett has started doing.. umm...
............................................................................
...........................................................................
..............*takes a breath*....................................
............................................................................
....still not being here... yeah... thanks.
but..
i have some songs that i have pretty excited about for some time..
thats good..
work is good..
good changes..
moneys good..
fams good..
However...
I have an issue that i would like to discuss.. and its...
its...
hmm... damn... i know i had a good one..
oh yeah..
i remember now..
if you slow me down again i will cut you off and watch you fall...
until you reconcile with the lies...
with the truths and all the bullshit between...
then.. we'll dance again.
and then again...
ill watch you fall.
.
12:03am Aug 31st 2005
Saturday, June 25, 2005
a certain emptiness
sometimes it just doesnt matter what i do..
i fill my day with positive things.. positive people. music, conversation, work, family, friends, and intricate relationships with each of these aspects..
and for some reason when i wake up in the morning i need to compose myself and overcome this immense feeling of emptiness... this sadness that seems so overwhelming at times its hard to breathe...
but im not sure where it comes from..
at where i am in my life right now i feel very successful in my pursuits.. i have not given up on anything i have set my mind on and somethings i probably should give up on.. some hopes i should probably let go of.. but maybe its just not the right time..
i feel very accomplished at my age and i am happy with what i have chosen to do with my life thus far..
but it still feels as if im searching for some utopia.. some comfort. some level of peace that i havent been able to reach in quite some time but dont have the knowledge of ever reaching it in the past..
maybe i did once in a dream but confused it with a part of my reality that was hazed in smoke and loud music... maybe i havent ever reached it..
i find myself consistently trying to figure out what it is that i can seem to distinguish as being the answer but cant put my finger on..
sometimes it will just take over a part of my mind.. a small part and then let me know this contentment exists..
and im sure i have convinced myself that i had it.. that the emptiness was gone. or maybe just filled with possibility and misdirection.. perhaps it was just a temporary fix...
but i cant help but thinking that there is an answer out there.. something not right with the world.. something elusive.. that plaques us all at various points in our life so we try to satisfy this hunger with many different things.
shopping, lifestyles, drugs, drinking, people, sex, food, video games, school, trouble, relationships, work, careers, internet, money, material possessions, conversation of the exact thing im trying to figure out that goes on for hours but never brings anyone or anything any closer then they were when they started... family, technology, selling, buying, sleeping, driving, moving from place to place hoping that the next new experience will hold some type of reward to take me to the next level of happiness in this world and when i awake from my few moments of peaceful sleep that can only be reached by sheer exhaustion... feel fullfilled and satisfied..
im sure if i had this conversation with anyone they will tell me they have it all figured out.. some will say GOD, and Jesus Christ our Saviour, and some will say a good bowl of corn flakes and some more food, others will say. "i dont have that problem, i dunno what to tell you.." living in total denial and clouding their own mind with hypothetical situations and fake plastic dog shit that they have molded into what they consider their "happiness".. or lack of emptiness.
some im sure will calmly sit in silence and take in the question with an open mind and as silence as their answer try to figure out what that splinter is that no one can seem to slide out to bring themselves back to a reality that can be lived in harmony with all things around them..
some will be so confused by the quesiton theyll spend the next few hours trying to figure out what planet they're on... those are the funniest people i know..
they just have no idea what the hell is going on.. its like Dory from Finding Nemo.. they forget everything in just a few moments.. its so funny sometimes..
just totally oblivious to everything around them except whatever exists immediately in front of their faces.. and it cant be anything abstract in any way shape or form because they just confuse themselves to the point of total mental breakdown and then hit the reset button and go out for a cigarrette.
who knows.. im rambling.. and now im talkin to mark ross about goin back into a dream where i had 50$ in my pocket...but i just checked it and i have 3$, a license, a guitar pick and my bank card.. and mark just told me i should go back into my dream and steal it from myself..
so imma do that..
to all my homies that read this blog.. thankya...
these abstract thoughts were brought to you by the following sponsors.
i fill my day with positive things.. positive people. music, conversation, work, family, friends, and intricate relationships with each of these aspects..
and for some reason when i wake up in the morning i need to compose myself and overcome this immense feeling of emptiness... this sadness that seems so overwhelming at times its hard to breathe...
but im not sure where it comes from..
at where i am in my life right now i feel very successful in my pursuits.. i have not given up on anything i have set my mind on and somethings i probably should give up on.. some hopes i should probably let go of.. but maybe its just not the right time..
i feel very accomplished at my age and i am happy with what i have chosen to do with my life thus far..
but it still feels as if im searching for some utopia.. some comfort. some level of peace that i havent been able to reach in quite some time but dont have the knowledge of ever reaching it in the past..
maybe i did once in a dream but confused it with a part of my reality that was hazed in smoke and loud music... maybe i havent ever reached it..
i find myself consistently trying to figure out what it is that i can seem to distinguish as being the answer but cant put my finger on..
sometimes it will just take over a part of my mind.. a small part and then let me know this contentment exists..
and im sure i have convinced myself that i had it.. that the emptiness was gone. or maybe just filled with possibility and misdirection.. perhaps it was just a temporary fix...
but i cant help but thinking that there is an answer out there.. something not right with the world.. something elusive.. that plaques us all at various points in our life so we try to satisfy this hunger with many different things.
shopping, lifestyles, drugs, drinking, people, sex, food, video games, school, trouble, relationships, work, careers, internet, money, material possessions, conversation of the exact thing im trying to figure out that goes on for hours but never brings anyone or anything any closer then they were when they started... family, technology, selling, buying, sleeping, driving, moving from place to place hoping that the next new experience will hold some type of reward to take me to the next level of happiness in this world and when i awake from my few moments of peaceful sleep that can only be reached by sheer exhaustion... feel fullfilled and satisfied..
im sure if i had this conversation with anyone they will tell me they have it all figured out.. some will say GOD, and Jesus Christ our Saviour, and some will say a good bowl of corn flakes and some more food, others will say. "i dont have that problem, i dunno what to tell you.." living in total denial and clouding their own mind with hypothetical situations and fake plastic dog shit that they have molded into what they consider their "happiness".. or lack of emptiness.
some im sure will calmly sit in silence and take in the question with an open mind and as silence as their answer try to figure out what that splinter is that no one can seem to slide out to bring themselves back to a reality that can be lived in harmony with all things around them..
some will be so confused by the quesiton theyll spend the next few hours trying to figure out what planet they're on... those are the funniest people i know..
they just have no idea what the hell is going on.. its like Dory from Finding Nemo.. they forget everything in just a few moments.. its so funny sometimes..
just totally oblivious to everything around them except whatever exists immediately in front of their faces.. and it cant be anything abstract in any way shape or form because they just confuse themselves to the point of total mental breakdown and then hit the reset button and go out for a cigarrette.
who knows.. im rambling.. and now im talkin to mark ross about goin back into a dream where i had 50$ in my pocket...but i just checked it and i have 3$, a license, a guitar pick and my bank card.. and mark just told me i should go back into my dream and steal it from myself..
so imma do that..
to all my homies that read this blog.. thankya...
these abstract thoughts were brought to you by the following sponsors.
My Couch
"Starsky and Hutch" The Mooovie
the fine tasting kryp
megan rall
begginers mind
a mild case of confusion
blogspot.com
lack of sleep
the darkness
Counter Strike
thank you and goodnight!
special thanks to...
Heather Tavano
Lauren J'Ville Wasted
Erica "absent" Lanier
Megan Rall
Aaron (5th Avenue Onlys)
Broadway Pizza's BBQ Chicken Sandwhich Delivery Guy
[[did you know your delivery person for broadway pizza...
...is a direct result of what you order?]]
yeah.. it is.
bye.
"Starsky and Hutch" The Mooovie
the fine tasting kryp
megan rall
begginers mind
a mild case of confusion
blogspot.com
lack of sleep
the darkness
Counter Strike
thank you and goodnight!
special thanks to...
Heather Tavano
Lauren J'Ville Wasted
Erica "absent" Lanier
Megan Rall
Aaron (5th Avenue Onlys)
Broadway Pizza's BBQ Chicken Sandwhich Delivery Guy
[[did you know your delivery person for broadway pizza...
...is a direct result of what you order?]]
yeah.. it is.
bye.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
and then it started...
Pushing aside the curtains headed back stage.. the butterflys started.. felt em a little bit.. Bone, walkin in front of me.. just to the left.. the backstage lights were dim.. just enough to see where im goin..
headed into the backstage room.. lifted up gloria.. and headed to the steps..
lights were very dim now.. just the reflective glow of the tape on the steps to guide me...
few more steps and then at once i was presented with what would be my future for the next 25 minutes..
first foot on the back of the stage and i already felt the quite rage of energy comin from the invisible crowd..
the lights were hot.. beautiful but blinding.. clouding my vision... a Halo effect around that awaiting listeners critics and competition..
hearin the click of 1/4" cables and the small quite drum roll.. tryin to scare away whatever nervousnes we had inside.. and make a step stool out of the fear to be able to reach excellence..
a quick glance to howie.. he was nervous.. lookin back at smono.. he was nervously spinnin a drumstick between his fingers.. bone was very scared.. for some reason his guitar was getting no signal..
despite the countless checks and double checks to make sure everything was perfect.. no sound from the lead guitarist..
triple check the cables.. switch out for new 1/4" inches hopin' that was the problem..
everything plugged back in.. power on the amps..
nothin..
the crowd growing impatient and silence, the only sound coming from the rock band about to unleash fury on these beckoning listeners..
starin.. at who.. pretty much everyone on stage..
smono lookin to me to do somethin.. howie.. testin his bass with walkdowns makin sure hes in tune.. everything is in check..
i could feel the anxiety.. like a strong wind i could feel everyone growin a lil impatient mixed with excitement.. and all the while Bone.. frantically unpluggin this and that stage hands on the spot checkin cables and connections.. Ben @ the sound board checkin levels..
i walk over to bone..
note: now please understand.. every light in the entire club is facing us.. the mic's are hot so every sound made is picked up and amplified through 10 / 12" subs.. 4 / 18" subs and 4 / 15" monitors.. trust me.. it was loud..
so.. i walk over to Bone..
"whats happenin' buddy?" i ask...
"nothin" bone replies.. "i got nothin."
everything checked.. everythings plugged in.. so we thought
two cables connecting the Power Head to the Stack.. which is the lil box on top of the big box.. had come unplugged..
we found it.. after this final click all would be right with the world..
there are about 8 cables that Bone has to hook up exactly perfect for this to all work..
and after that final click...
nothin..
no sound.. Bone looks at Me.. I look at Bone.. then glance down at his guitar..
the 1/4" cable that plugs into his guitar was dangling in the air.. not connected..
Bone looks at me and smiles.. with an extremely loud POP!!!
Bones plugged in..
we shake hands.. give each other Gods blessing.. few hugs.. good lucks and hand shakes..
and it starts..
the entrance to "Drink with the sun" a killer rockin groovalistic jam begins with a slow melodic sound from just the Bone himself...
and of to the race we went..
ladies and gentlemen.. GOD could have chosen to take me away on that stage at the end of "My Embrace" as the crowd was erupting.. cheers claps.. a Roar of energy waves and waves pounding every inch of the stage with enough force to take down the Spartan walls...
thank you all for everything..
and for those of you that missed it..
it happens again on the 4th of June 2005 @ "The Club @ Firestone" 3:30PM Sharp!
love,
billy.
www.smilinmcgee.com
.oreZoTroF!yppaH
headed into the backstage room.. lifted up gloria.. and headed to the steps..
lights were very dim now.. just the reflective glow of the tape on the steps to guide me...
few more steps and then at once i was presented with what would be my future for the next 25 minutes..
first foot on the back of the stage and i already felt the quite rage of energy comin from the invisible crowd..
the lights were hot.. beautiful but blinding.. clouding my vision... a Halo effect around that awaiting listeners critics and competition..
hearin the click of 1/4" cables and the small quite drum roll.. tryin to scare away whatever nervousnes we had inside.. and make a step stool out of the fear to be able to reach excellence..
a quick glance to howie.. he was nervous.. lookin back at smono.. he was nervously spinnin a drumstick between his fingers.. bone was very scared.. for some reason his guitar was getting no signal..
despite the countless checks and double checks to make sure everything was perfect.. no sound from the lead guitarist..
triple check the cables.. switch out for new 1/4" inches hopin' that was the problem..
everything plugged back in.. power on the amps..
nothin..
the crowd growing impatient and silence, the only sound coming from the rock band about to unleash fury on these beckoning listeners..
starin.. at who.. pretty much everyone on stage..
smono lookin to me to do somethin.. howie.. testin his bass with walkdowns makin sure hes in tune.. everything is in check..
i could feel the anxiety.. like a strong wind i could feel everyone growin a lil impatient mixed with excitement.. and all the while Bone.. frantically unpluggin this and that stage hands on the spot checkin cables and connections.. Ben @ the sound board checkin levels..
i walk over to bone..
note: now please understand.. every light in the entire club is facing us.. the mic's are hot so every sound made is picked up and amplified through 10 / 12" subs.. 4 / 18" subs and 4 / 15" monitors.. trust me.. it was loud..
so.. i walk over to Bone..
"whats happenin' buddy?" i ask...
"nothin" bone replies.. "i got nothin."
everything checked.. everythings plugged in.. so we thought
two cables connecting the Power Head to the Stack.. which is the lil box on top of the big box.. had come unplugged..
we found it.. after this final click all would be right with the world..
there are about 8 cables that Bone has to hook up exactly perfect for this to all work..
and after that final click...
nothin..
no sound.. Bone looks at Me.. I look at Bone.. then glance down at his guitar..
the 1/4" cable that plugs into his guitar was dangling in the air.. not connected..
Bone looks at me and smiles.. with an extremely loud POP!!!
Bones plugged in..
we shake hands.. give each other Gods blessing.. few hugs.. good lucks and hand shakes..
and it starts..
the entrance to "Drink with the sun" a killer rockin groovalistic jam begins with a slow melodic sound from just the Bone himself...
and of to the race we went..
ladies and gentlemen.. GOD could have chosen to take me away on that stage at the end of "My Embrace" as the crowd was erupting.. cheers claps.. a Roar of energy waves and waves pounding every inch of the stage with enough force to take down the Spartan walls...
thank you all for everything..
and for those of you that missed it..
it happens again on the 4th of June 2005 @ "The Club @ Firestone" 3:30PM Sharp!
love,
billy.
www.smilinmcgee.com
.oreZoTroF!yppaH
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
The Gift of Forgetting
Apparently i made an offer the other day... although that was definitely not my intention ..
See...its what happens when someone is self indulged.. has selective sight, thinks the world revolves around them... selfish.. you know those kind of people.. the kind that walk out of your life... and chain their door behind them cause the main thing they are afraid of is trust.. and that everyone is out to get them..
for the last year.. trust me.. i have not been pining over the loss of something that i just wasnt strong enough to throw away myself..
yes there was a grieving period.. but that turned into a realization period.. where i finally saw all the sacrifices i had made and all the taking that the other party was doing..
i was giving giving giving and i was just getting shit cause i wasnt giving enough.. while on the other side of the fence they were taking taking taking.. and then bitching cause there wasnt more to take..
I once heard .. "well.. she wants the best." and...
No shit! what do you think i want!? .. second best.. f*that! and as i was striving to give my best ...they were striving to take my best.. and they did a very good job.. and whos fault is it?
mine..
i was not in love with the actual person.. i was in love with what i wished they would be.. alas.. wishes seldom come tru.. and im glad i didnt waste a wish on them.. GOD knows i already wasted thoughts, love and heartache on them.. one thing they definitely dont deserve from me anymore is my time.
i spent the last year trying to forget they were alive.. living in the world i was living in.. why is GODs name would i want to make them a part of anything in my life?
especially my friend!?!? i only have a select few friends..
trust me the only thing our convo was supposed to be the other night was a thoughtful and loving GOODBYE. tell your mom i love her to death and your dad i wear his guitar strap always.. and will have it for just as long..
well aside from the sugar coated world and dilusions of grandure you live in.. get over yourself.. please do us all a favor.. you are loved yes.. but aside from your family ...the only ones that love you are those that pity you and can ignore your bullshit.. :) LOL..
if you dont have the balls to talk to me about it cause you know its not what you wanna hear.. ill tell you in here cause i know you read it.. and you must think im some kinda stupid to believe that you didnt know the answers to the bullshit questions you were asking me the other day..
you dont know me.. you said it yourself..
leanne!? are you kidding me.. you must be crazy.. and not a lil bit.. 110%.. but you hide behind all your superficial bullshit.. no wonder you live by yourself.. no one can put up with your lies, deceit....and by the way... your pretty lil face isnt gonna get you shit for much longer.. so find some schmuck that is gonna pine over you.. some puppet you can control.. like micheal.. that poor hapless bastard.. i feel for him.. i would just love to smack him in the head and tell him to wake the fuck up.. and realize that you are a selfish egotistical money hungry self serving bitch.. pretty much :)
and trust me im not mad right now.. actually.. the truth feels so good..
like a cool side of a blanket on a real hot night.. its my solace...
breath in the truth... ahhh.. taste so good :)
See...its what happens when someone is self indulged.. has selective sight, thinks the world revolves around them... selfish.. you know those kind of people.. the kind that walk out of your life... and chain their door behind them cause the main thing they are afraid of is trust.. and that everyone is out to get them..
for the last year.. trust me.. i have not been pining over the loss of something that i just wasnt strong enough to throw away myself..
yes there was a grieving period.. but that turned into a realization period.. where i finally saw all the sacrifices i had made and all the taking that the other party was doing..
i was giving giving giving and i was just getting shit cause i wasnt giving enough.. while on the other side of the fence they were taking taking taking.. and then bitching cause there wasnt more to take..
I once heard .. "well.. she wants the best." and...
No shit! what do you think i want!? .. second best.. f*that! and as i was striving to give my best ...they were striving to take my best.. and they did a very good job.. and whos fault is it?
mine..
i was not in love with the actual person.. i was in love with what i wished they would be.. alas.. wishes seldom come tru.. and im glad i didnt waste a wish on them.. GOD knows i already wasted thoughts, love and heartache on them.. one thing they definitely dont deserve from me anymore is my time.
i spent the last year trying to forget they were alive.. living in the world i was living in.. why is GODs name would i want to make them a part of anything in my life?
especially my friend!?!? i only have a select few friends..
trust me the only thing our convo was supposed to be the other night was a thoughtful and loving GOODBYE. tell your mom i love her to death and your dad i wear his guitar strap always.. and will have it for just as long..
well aside from the sugar coated world and dilusions of grandure you live in.. get over yourself.. please do us all a favor.. you are loved yes.. but aside from your family ...the only ones that love you are those that pity you and can ignore your bullshit.. :) LOL..
if you dont have the balls to talk to me about it cause you know its not what you wanna hear.. ill tell you in here cause i know you read it.. and you must think im some kinda stupid to believe that you didnt know the answers to the bullshit questions you were asking me the other day..
you dont know me.. you said it yourself..
leanne!? are you kidding me.. you must be crazy.. and not a lil bit.. 110%.. but you hide behind all your superficial bullshit.. no wonder you live by yourself.. no one can put up with your lies, deceit....and by the way... your pretty lil face isnt gonna get you shit for much longer.. so find some schmuck that is gonna pine over you.. some puppet you can control.. like micheal.. that poor hapless bastard.. i feel for him.. i would just love to smack him in the head and tell him to wake the fuck up.. and realize that you are a selfish egotistical money hungry self serving bitch.. pretty much :)
and trust me im not mad right now.. actually.. the truth feels so good..
like a cool side of a blanket on a real hot night.. its my solace...
breath in the truth... ahhh.. taste so good :)
Thursday, March 17, 2005
rage
there is a rage inside of me that i cannot explain.. a power that can be summoned with the right thoughts in a sequence that i keep very complex so bringing this rage to light becomes extremely difficult..
and when i say rage.. i dont mean rage..
if you want to feel the rage i have.. take every ounce of energy you have.. and a very very deep breath.... stand up.. grab a hold of something and with the most rageful hatred you can muster scream as loud as possible for the longest period of time.. until your head becomes light and your vision starts to flicker.. your balance starts to sway... and the only thing holding you up is whatever youre holding onto.. thats MY rage...
i was misunderstood last night apparently..
i was a gentleman.. and my words were misinterrpreted..
you dont want the same thing i want.. well thats a good thing..
cause what i want isnt a good thing.. is a shitty thing..
but you think i want you in my life.. for good or not at all...
and you have it all wrong..
there will only be a not at all..
all i was doing was giving you the common courtesy of a responce because the last time we talked on the phone feb 13th 2004.. i did not give you such a courtesy... you wanted to tell me your side of the story and i didnt want to hear it...
now you have misconstrued my words.. and you think i want something from you..
well youre right.. i do want something from you.. but i gaurantee you dont know what it is..
i had loving words to say to you.. just wanted to let you know how i feel..
but please dont miss the main point of our convo..
"i am sticking to my word."
i told you a long time ago.. if you ever did anything like that to me again.. you would be nothing to me..
and...
i am sticking to my word..
thats what i said last night.. among very loving things.. but i still have very loving emotions for you.. however i dont trust you.. and i know i can never trust you.. especially with my heart.. so depite what my heart is telling me.. my head will never let me fall into you again..
and this time.. its not an option..
here i am again misunderstood by the only person i ever wanted to understand me..
out
and when i say rage.. i dont mean rage..
if you want to feel the rage i have.. take every ounce of energy you have.. and a very very deep breath.... stand up.. grab a hold of something and with the most rageful hatred you can muster scream as loud as possible for the longest period of time.. until your head becomes light and your vision starts to flicker.. your balance starts to sway... and the only thing holding you up is whatever youre holding onto.. thats MY rage...
i was misunderstood last night apparently..
i was a gentleman.. and my words were misinterrpreted..
you dont want the same thing i want.. well thats a good thing..
cause what i want isnt a good thing.. is a shitty thing..
but you think i want you in my life.. for good or not at all...
and you have it all wrong..
there will only be a not at all..
all i was doing was giving you the common courtesy of a responce because the last time we talked on the phone feb 13th 2004.. i did not give you such a courtesy... you wanted to tell me your side of the story and i didnt want to hear it...
now you have misconstrued my words.. and you think i want something from you..
well youre right.. i do want something from you.. but i gaurantee you dont know what it is..
i had loving words to say to you.. just wanted to let you know how i feel..
but please dont miss the main point of our convo..
"i am sticking to my word."
i told you a long time ago.. if you ever did anything like that to me again.. you would be nothing to me..
and...
i am sticking to my word..
thats what i said last night.. among very loving things.. but i still have very loving emotions for you.. however i dont trust you.. and i know i can never trust you.. especially with my heart.. so depite what my heart is telling me.. my head will never let me fall into you again..
and this time.. its not an option..
here i am again misunderstood by the only person i ever wanted to understand me..
out
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