The Gift of Forgetting

Apparently i made an offer the other day... although that was definitely not my intention ..

See...its what happens when someone is self indulged.. has selective sight, thinks the world revolves around them... selfish.. you know those kind of people.. the kind that walk out of your life... and chain their door behind them cause the main thing they are afraid of is trust.. and that everyone is out to get them..

for the last year.. trust me.. i have not been pining over the loss of something that i just wasnt strong enough to throw away myself..

yes there was a grieving period.. but that turned into a realization period.. where i finally saw all the sacrifices i had made and all the taking that the other party was doing..

i was giving giving giving and i was just getting shit cause i wasnt giving enough.. while on the other side of the fence they were taking taking taking.. and then bitching cause there wasnt more to take..

I once heard .. "well.. she wants the best." and...

No shit! what do you think i want!? .. second best.. f*that! and as i was striving to give my best ...they were striving to take my best.. and they did a very good job.. and whos fault is it?

mine..

i was not in love with the actual person.. i was in love with what i wished they would be.. alas.. wishes seldom come tru.. and im glad i didnt waste a wish on them.. GOD knows i already wasted thoughts, love and heartache on them.. one thing they definitely dont deserve from me anymore is my time.

i spent the last year trying to forget they were alive.. living in the world i was living in.. why is GODs name would i want to make them a part of anything in my life?

especially my friend!?!? i only have a select few friends..

trust me the only thing our convo was supposed to be the other night was a thoughtful and loving GOODBYE. tell your mom i love her to death and your dad i wear his guitar strap always.. and will have it for just as long..

well aside from the sugar coated world and dilusions of grandure you live in.. get over yourself.. please do us all a favor.. you are loved yes.. but aside from your family ...the only ones that love you are those that pity you and can ignore your bullshit.. :) LOL..

if you dont have the balls to talk to me about it cause you know its not what you wanna hear.. ill tell you in here cause i know you read it.. and you must think im some kinda stupid to believe that you didnt know the answers to the bullshit questions you were asking me the other day..

you dont know me.. you said it yourself..

leanne!? are you kidding me.. you must be crazy.. and not a lil bit.. 110%.. but you hide behind all your superficial bullshit.. no wonder you live by yourself.. no one can put up with your lies, deceit....and by the way... your pretty lil face isnt gonna get you shit for much longer.. so find some schmuck that is gonna pine over you.. some puppet you can control.. like micheal.. that poor hapless bastard.. i feel for him.. i would just love to smack him in the head and tell him to wake the fuck up.. and realize that you are a selfish egotistical money hungry self serving bitch.. pretty much :)

and trust me im not mad right now.. actually.. the truth feels so good..

like a cool side of a blanket on a real hot night.. its my solace...

breath in the truth... ahhh.. taste so good :)

rage

there is a rage inside of me that i cannot explain.. a power that can be summoned with the right thoughts in a sequence that i keep very complex so bringing this rage to light becomes extremely difficult..

and when i say rage.. i dont mean rage..

if you want to feel the rage i have.. take every ounce of energy you have.. and a very very deep breath.... stand up.. grab a hold of something and with the most rageful hatred you can muster scream as loud as possible for the longest period of time.. until your head becomes light and your vision starts to flicker.. your balance starts to sway... and the only thing holding you up is whatever youre holding onto.. thats MY rage...

i was misunderstood last night apparently..

i was a gentleman.. and my words were misinterrpreted..

you dont want the same thing i want.. well thats a good thing..

cause what i want isnt a good thing.. is a shitty thing..

but you think i want you in my life.. for good or not at all...

and you have it all wrong..

there will only be a not at all..

all i was doing was giving you the common courtesy of a responce because the last time we talked on the phone feb 13th 2004.. i did not give you such a courtesy... you wanted to tell me your side of the story and i didnt want to hear it...

now you have misconstrued my words.. and you think i want something from you..

well youre right.. i do want something from you.. but i gaurantee you dont know what it is..

i had loving words to say to you.. just wanted to let you know how i feel..

but please dont miss the main point of our convo..

"i am sticking to my word."

i told you a long time ago.. if you ever did anything like that to me again.. you would be nothing to me..

and...

i am sticking to my word..

thats what i said last night.. among very loving things.. but i still have very loving emotions for you.. however i dont trust you.. and i know i can never trust you.. especially with my heart.. so depite what my heart is telling me.. my head will never let me fall into you again..

and this time.. its not an option..

here i am again misunderstood by the only person i ever wanted to understand me..

out

NOW THOSE ARE GOOD FRIENDS

So last night on the way home from work...very hungry... and angey worked last night.. shes definitely one of my best friends.. and i knew that before this story... i guess it was about 10:30.. im thinkin to myself.. "satisfying sigh.. ahhhh, a couple of hours alone.. gonna chill... clean the kitchen, resolve the carpets.. get the house all straightened up.. put a lil music on.. and just enjoy it..

*note for those of you that dont know.. thats my stress reliever.. cleaning.. yes i said cleaning. and no i will not clean your house*

so back to the story..

i was about 30 minutes from my house... halfway down Grant almost to bowen...

and it hit me..

i didnt have my key... i had given to to garrett so he could lock up when he left for work...

*note: i always have poeple over the house.. and garrett was still crashed out with his makeshift bed around 3:30 when i had to bounce.. and no garrett wont stay over your house.*

So....

im driving up and realize that not only do i not have my key... but like i said before no one is home /which is rare/ and now i just remembered, that the night of the Liquid Cellar show... I made sure to lock all my windows!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!

Son of a bitch!! mother f&^*! assclown bastard mother punks!!!! BAH!!!

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!

anyways.. so i walked around anyways and to my dismay noticed that every window was securley fastened...

*note:because when i do something i make sure to do it to the best of my ability.. so i knew they were friggin locked.. boo!

So... i sat on my front porch really frustrated that all these plans i just carefully concocted to follow as soon as i walked through the door.. that are time sensitive.. will now NOT HAPPEN AT ALL!!!!

*note: boo.. thats a pet pieve of mine right there folks.. when i take an ample amount of time to plan something and it doesnt work out.. not when i dont get what i want... stfu.. when soemthing that i busted my ass for doesn't work out.. thats my pet pieve..

So.. i call garrett...hes 15 minutes away and on the way..so i have some time to kill... i call my mom back and chat with her for alittle bit and shes giving me sage like advice on how to avoid reaching down the throat of the next person that annoys me and grabbing there smaller intestine twisting it around my fist and jerking out quickly enough to remove all of their internal organs.. and hang them out their mouth... then light them on fire and scotch tape the guys eyes open so for his last few seconds in his life he can realize that he shouldnt have done that..

*note: im a creative writer.. however i channel my energy i can focus everything on very discriptive imagery.. so please dont be alarmed i dont think i would ever do anything like that ;)

So.. i get off the phone garrett and brian get to the place.. we walk in.. garrett heads for the keg on the back of the porch howie heads for my room with his ear duct taped to his phone.. and i .. start implementing my master plan... of the evening..

i walked in the door and to my disbelief my entire house was just... FILFTHY!!!!

ahh.. i cant handle this..

*note: im either very very neat or clean.. havent figured it out yet*

So.. i get home and begin cleaning..

the vaccum wasnt working right, the presense of so much dirt was annoying me with every breath... i did have music on thank god.. and i was on the phone with justin while i was vaccuming yes:)

and actually i just put on some music.. just now 2:40 p.m. today.

Broken Bridge by Daughter Darling... lets see if my writing style changes.. experiement 2:40 pm

so the vacuum is not working its spitting dust everywhere..

all over the house.. driving me mad.. i look up.. garrett is drinkin some beer and doesnt really know what to do so he does what is in his nature to do and give me one of his patented open mouth smile he puts his left hand on his belly.. cause i have a stomach.. garrett has a belly.. with his pilsner in his right hand.. rocks forward on his toes and give me a silence one breath laugh.. which is garrett to a t.. :) i love that guy..

that was enough to put me over the edge.. and he meant nothing bad by it.. i had to walk outside.. but that was after i kinda accidentally maybe knocked over the vaccum with a little more energy than i needed to..

...maybe

*note: that vaccum has been drivin me nuts for ages!!!*

*note:so i was still on the phone with justin.... he had just sent me a really really really vibrant email:) lifted my spirits by the way.. about religion and GOD and it was really great :)

on the phone with im tryin not to snap and still sound relatively sane.. however he asked me how i was.. he thought i was.. i dunno.. i guess breathing hard.. but he replied.. with.."What are doin over there?" are you masterbating?"

lol.. i told him i was actually pretty pissed off and i was tryin to be as nice to him as possible but i had a million things on my mind and i couldnt calm down.. he did his best to help me out.. asked me if there was anything he could do to help me out in any way.. i just told him the best he could do is just lemme go so i can chill out and get everything done..


........now i just think i heard the words to that song i was listening to for the first time so this time imma read them.. brb 2:45

im back 2:28 jimmy just got hired at disney!!! F*^# yeah!

gone again 2:28.

so back to the story ...i walked outside.. at my whits end... on the phone with justin.. i was just so tired man.. of everything.. the band, work, not having money at all... a million things to do and i didnt feel like anyone in the world knew that i work so hard on everything i do.. i put 110% into everything i do.

so anyways... at my whits end.. ready to pretty much crack and i thought about two things.. one.. it wasnt garretts fault that he hadnt give me my key back.. and it wasnt mine that i didnt ask... there was no fault.. although earlier he stated it was mine...

so back inside..

*note: florida is a no fault state

i sent matt a text message.. told him that i had lost it.. was going to clean all night and i mean spic-n-span clean so that if he had to work the next morning.. i was listening to music and was gonna be up all night long.. so if he needed to sleep to probably goto bones..

almost sledge hammered the vaccum.....ran out of resolve.... ran out of swiffer dusters.. and only the 48 dollars i made at work to save my life.... so .. fixed the vaccum.. free.. that thing has like 1,010,987,645 filters..

bone wound up sneaking away.. i didnt even get a goodbye from him.. and brian came to let me know he was bouncing... cool.. lata brah :)

so off to walmart i go to get cleaning supplies..

oh yeah.. the only 3 isles in the entire store they had roped off were the cleaning isles that stated "No trespassing" and the again in Spanish.. "Im not gonna try it"... so.. that was annoying.. thanks..

somehow got what i needed...get out to the car quick trip to mcdonalds.. and Money calls..

1:23 a.m.
money: "where ya at bro?"
-at the second window of mcdonalds, havent eaten all day.
money: "already at the second?"
-yeah want me to drive back around to the first?
money: "no im cool."
-where you at
money: "at the place"



---He chose to come home to help me out.. up till about 3 we were.. then Money bounced to bed cause he had to work at 10.. thought i was talkin to money only at around 4 realized money was gone.. called to find out he went to bones didnt know he bounced to bones so for a few minutes i talked to know one..

stayed up til 7:30 gettin everything pretty much done.. looks great.. the place hasnt looked so good in months and months..

crashed.. turned the phone to silence put in "the rock" w/ nicholas cage and sean connery... passed out.. got up around 1:30p.m. hell yeah! about 2 oclock today.. im sitting at my computer and theres a knock at my door..

Mark Ross... Whats up budday!?

with a wave of his hand.. he asks that i come with him..

i walk outside.. and he has his van chrysler minivan parked kinda haphazardly in the parking spot closest to my front door..

*note: pimp ass ride by the way! do you know how much equipment we can fit in there!?!?*

So.. as he is sliding the door open.. says..

"someone said you were hungry... and didnt have any food.. so.. Sonya Angey and I through in for ya.."


Bags and Bags of PUBLIX goodies filled with whole grain goodness and milk and eggs and hot dogs and Lucky Charms and baked lasagna and bologna and HAM!
and mac-n- cheese and lean pockets!!! WHAAAAAAT!?!?..

Now Sonya saved me already by welcoming me back with Open Arms to Outback...
Angey has become one of my greatest friends ever in the history of the world and all great friends to everyone everywhere..
Mark is closer to me than a real brother i think..

Justin is my guardian angel...

Matt.. well like i said before.. hes my best buddy gaurdian angel as well...

so.. i decided to sit down and write about it..

how could i not..

3:19 pm.

scanning and editing..

3:40 Amy is.. well.. she sent me this song.. :) still istening to it..

time to eat :)

so to:

Sonya Malm
Angey Shepard
Mark Ross
Justin Mak
Matthew Collins

Thank you..

you made yesterday and today immaculte.

p.s. frosted mini wheat. 3:43 p.m.

------------Frosted Mini Wheat

mysterious equations...

so there was a time not too long ago that i would find myself with a few seconds of neutrality.. in between loading pictures and waiting for the carpet deoderizer to settle before i could do anything..

and in that few seconds... i could truly acknowledge where i am in my life.. without anything distracting me.. i could just take a step back and get a good look of whats going on..

now... in that period of neutrality.. i find myself smiling a lot more.. thinking more clearly and feeling much more at peace. life is a bit easier to deal with when there is someone that floods my heart with waves of comfort with just a thought or a few simple words..

..so if the world ended now i would go understanding that there is always someone in the world to amaze me, excite me.. suprise me... and teach me that although i believed i had the confusing equation of love figured out..

i am just a student...