intuition

i kinda felt it..

i had a feeling it would be the last time..

so i made sure to show a lot of love..

gave him hugs and kisses and played with him as much as he could play..

i kinda saw it in his eyes..

i wasnt gonna see him again..

he knew it

i knew it..

and i think we both came to terms there sitting in the living room..

and when i left i was sure to say goodbye and ill see ya later..

if its possible for dogs to have a personality which i absolutely believe..

he was the coolest and chillest dog around..

just totally relaxed but playful at the same time..

he was so nice.. he would be right there next to my dad everytime he went for a walk..

even in his later years when you could see his struggle..

he was right there.. doin his best..

...

i still remember when he was small enough to dart between the couch and the end table..

and i still remember the first time he realized he was growing... which was just after he got stuck.. trying to dart between the couch and the end table..

i hope the movies right.. cause if there is a heaven for dogs...

...i know Andy's there..

Andy Floyd

October 7th 2005
-I miss you already-

it was the most emotional step in the history of man and has forever contained more emotion than any word ever will..

it was here before us. all of us.

And it will be here much later than we are..

'cause it does not only exist in the human race... but in everything.

..the sea..

....the wind..

......life itself..

it is the very foundation for pure emotion..

and thats why i love it so much..

man simply learned it..

but we are not the inventor..

we will always be students...

of music.

...changed really.

just in from work august 30th 2005 11:something

so i guess there have been some interesting changes in my life... just throughout the summer and the months to follow..

Brian has started furthering his education in tally..

the only real difference now is that.. hes not playin bass in tallahassee.

Allen has started focusing on his personal life.. professional career, relationships

with those around him..

the only real differences there are.... ummmm.............

well.. his drums are still here.. not being played.. and hes still not ever here..

so i guess he just reliquished his title..

everything else is pretty much the same.

Garrett has started doing.. umm...

............................................................................

...........................................................................

..............*takes a breath*....................................

............................................................................

....still not being here... yeah... thanks.

but..

i have some songs that i have pretty excited about for some time..

thats good..

work is good..

good changes..

moneys good..

fams good..

However...

I have an issue that i would like to discuss.. and its...

its...

hmm... damn... i know i had a good one..

oh yeah..

i remember now..

if you slow me down again i will cut you off and watch you fall...
until you reconcile with the lies...
with the truths and all the bullshit between...

then.. we'll dance again.

and then again...

ill watch you fall.

.

12:03am Aug 31st 2005

a certain emptiness

sometimes it just doesnt matter what i do..

i fill my day with positive things.. positive people. music, conversation, work, family, friends, and intricate relationships with each of these aspects..

and for some reason when i wake up in the morning i need to compose myself and overcome this immense feeling of emptiness... this sadness that seems so overwhelming at times its hard to breathe...

but im not sure where it comes from..

at where i am in my life right now i feel very successful in my pursuits.. i have not given up on anything i have set my mind on and somethings i probably should give up on.. some hopes i should probably let go of.. but maybe its just not the right time..

i feel very accomplished at my age and i am happy with what i have chosen to do with my life thus far..

but it still feels as if im searching for some utopia.. some comfort. some level of peace that i havent been able to reach in quite some time but dont have the knowledge of ever reaching it in the past..

maybe i did once in a dream but confused it with a part of my reality that was hazed in smoke and loud music... maybe i havent ever reached it..

i find myself consistently trying to figure out what it is that i can seem to distinguish as being the answer but cant put my finger on..

sometimes it will just take over a part of my mind.. a small part and then let me know this contentment exists..

and im sure i have convinced myself that i had it.. that the emptiness was gone. or maybe just filled with possibility and misdirection.. perhaps it was just a temporary fix...

but i cant help but thinking that there is an answer out there.. something not right with the world.. something elusive.. that plaques us all at various points in our life so we try to satisfy this hunger with many different things.

shopping, lifestyles, drugs, drinking, people, sex, food, video games, school, trouble, relationships, work, careers, internet, money, material possessions, conversation of the exact thing im trying to figure out that goes on for hours but never brings anyone or anything any closer then they were when they started... family, technology, selling, buying, sleeping, driving, moving from place to place hoping that the next new experience will hold some type of reward to take me to the next level of happiness in this world and when i awake from my few moments of peaceful sleep that can only be reached by sheer exhaustion... feel fullfilled and satisfied..

im sure if i had this conversation with anyone they will tell me they have it all figured out.. some will say GOD, and Jesus Christ our Saviour, and some will say a good bowl of corn flakes and some more food, others will say. "i dont have that problem, i dunno what to tell you.." living in total denial and clouding their own mind with hypothetical situations and fake plastic dog shit that they have molded into what they consider their "happiness".. or lack of emptiness.

some im sure will calmly sit in silence and take in the question with an open mind and as silence as their answer try to figure out what that splinter is that no one can seem to slide out to bring themselves back to a reality that can be lived in harmony with all things around them..

some will be so confused by the quesiton theyll spend the next few hours trying to figure out what planet they're on... those are the funniest people i know..

they just have no idea what the hell is going on.. its like Dory from Finding Nemo.. they forget everything in just a few moments.. its so funny sometimes..

just totally oblivious to everything around them except whatever exists immediately in front of their faces.. and it cant be anything abstract in any way shape or form because they just confuse themselves to the point of total mental breakdown and then hit the reset button and go out for a cigarrette.

who knows.. im rambling.. and now im talkin to mark ross about goin back into a dream where i had 50$ in my pocket...but i just checked it and i have 3$, a license, a guitar pick and my bank card.. and mark just told me i should go back into my dream and steal it from myself..

so imma do that..

to all my homies that read this blog.. thankya...

these abstract thoughts were brought to you by the following sponsors.

My Couch
"Starsky and Hutch" The Mooovie
the fine tasting kryp
megan rall
begginers mind
a mild case of confusion
blogspot.com
lack of sleep
the darkness
Counter Strike

thank you and goodnight!

special thanks to...

Heather Tavano
Lauren J'Ville Wasted
Erica "absent" Lanier
Megan Rall
Aaron (5th Avenue Onlys)
Broadway Pizza's BBQ Chicken Sandwhich Delivery Guy

[[did you know your delivery person for broadway pizza...
...is a direct result of what you order?]]

yeah.. it is.

bye.

and then it started...

Pushing aside the curtains headed back stage.. the butterflys started.. felt em a little bit.. Bone, walkin in front of me.. just to the left.. the backstage lights were dim.. just enough to see where im goin..

headed into the backstage room.. lifted up gloria.. and headed to the steps..

lights were very dim now.. just the reflective glow of the tape on the steps to guide me...

few more steps and then at once i was presented with what would be my future for the next 25 minutes..

first foot on the back of the stage and i already felt the quite rage of energy comin from the invisible crowd..

the lights were hot.. beautiful but blinding.. clouding my vision... a Halo effect around that awaiting listeners critics and competition..

hearin the click of 1/4" cables and the small quite drum roll.. tryin to scare away whatever nervousnes we had inside.. and make a step stool out of the fear to be able to reach excellence..

a quick glance to howie.. he was nervous.. lookin back at smono.. he was nervously spinnin a drumstick between his fingers.. bone was very scared.. for some reason his guitar was getting no signal..

despite the countless checks and double checks to make sure everything was perfect.. no sound from the lead guitarist..

triple check the cables.. switch out for new 1/4" inches hopin' that was the problem..

everything plugged back in.. power on the amps..

nothin..

the crowd growing impatient and silence, the only sound coming from the rock band about to unleash fury on these beckoning listeners..

starin.. at who.. pretty much everyone on stage..

smono lookin to me to do somethin.. howie.. testin his bass with walkdowns makin sure hes in tune.. everything is in check..

i could feel the anxiety.. like a strong wind i could feel everyone growin a lil impatient mixed with excitement.. and all the while Bone.. frantically unpluggin this and that stage hands on the spot checkin cables and connections.. Ben @ the sound board checkin levels..

i walk over to bone..

note: now please understand.. every light in the entire club is facing us.. the mic's are hot so every sound made is picked up and amplified through 10 / 12" subs.. 4 / 18" subs and 4 / 15" monitors.. trust me.. it was loud..

so.. i walk over to Bone..

"whats happenin' buddy?" i ask...

"nothin" bone replies.. "i got nothin."

everything checked.. everythings plugged in.. so we thought

two cables connecting the Power Head to the Stack.. which is the lil box on top of the big box.. had come unplugged..

we found it.. after this final click all would be right with the world..

there are about 8 cables that Bone has to hook up exactly perfect for this to all work..

and after that final click...

nothin..

no sound.. Bone looks at Me.. I look at Bone.. then glance down at his guitar..

the 1/4" cable that plugs into his guitar was dangling in the air.. not connected..

Bone looks at me and smiles.. with an extremely loud POP!!!

Bones plugged in..

we shake hands.. give each other Gods blessing.. few hugs.. good lucks and hand shakes..

and it starts..

the entrance to "Drink with the sun" a killer rockin groovalistic jam begins with a slow melodic sound from just the Bone himself...

and of to the race we went..

ladies and gentlemen.. GOD could have chosen to take me away on that stage at the end of "My Embrace" as the crowd was erupting.. cheers claps.. a Roar of energy waves and waves pounding every inch of the stage with enough force to take down the Spartan walls...

thank you all for everything..

and for those of you that missed it..

it happens again on the 4th of June 2005 @ "The Club @ Firestone" 3:30PM Sharp!

love,

billy.

www.smilinmcgee.com

.oreZoTroF!yppaH

The Gift of Forgetting

Apparently i made an offer the other day... although that was definitely not my intention ..

See...its what happens when someone is self indulged.. has selective sight, thinks the world revolves around them... selfish.. you know those kind of people.. the kind that walk out of your life... and chain their door behind them cause the main thing they are afraid of is trust.. and that everyone is out to get them..

for the last year.. trust me.. i have not been pining over the loss of something that i just wasnt strong enough to throw away myself..

yes there was a grieving period.. but that turned into a realization period.. where i finally saw all the sacrifices i had made and all the taking that the other party was doing..

i was giving giving giving and i was just getting shit cause i wasnt giving enough.. while on the other side of the fence they were taking taking taking.. and then bitching cause there wasnt more to take..

I once heard .. "well.. she wants the best." and...

No shit! what do you think i want!? .. second best.. f*that! and as i was striving to give my best ...they were striving to take my best.. and they did a very good job.. and whos fault is it?

mine..

i was not in love with the actual person.. i was in love with what i wished they would be.. alas.. wishes seldom come tru.. and im glad i didnt waste a wish on them.. GOD knows i already wasted thoughts, love and heartache on them.. one thing they definitely dont deserve from me anymore is my time.

i spent the last year trying to forget they were alive.. living in the world i was living in.. why is GODs name would i want to make them a part of anything in my life?

especially my friend!?!? i only have a select few friends..

trust me the only thing our convo was supposed to be the other night was a thoughtful and loving GOODBYE. tell your mom i love her to death and your dad i wear his guitar strap always.. and will have it for just as long..

well aside from the sugar coated world and dilusions of grandure you live in.. get over yourself.. please do us all a favor.. you are loved yes.. but aside from your family ...the only ones that love you are those that pity you and can ignore your bullshit.. :) LOL..

if you dont have the balls to talk to me about it cause you know its not what you wanna hear.. ill tell you in here cause i know you read it.. and you must think im some kinda stupid to believe that you didnt know the answers to the bullshit questions you were asking me the other day..

you dont know me.. you said it yourself..

leanne!? are you kidding me.. you must be crazy.. and not a lil bit.. 110%.. but you hide behind all your superficial bullshit.. no wonder you live by yourself.. no one can put up with your lies, deceit....and by the way... your pretty lil face isnt gonna get you shit for much longer.. so find some schmuck that is gonna pine over you.. some puppet you can control.. like micheal.. that poor hapless bastard.. i feel for him.. i would just love to smack him in the head and tell him to wake the fuck up.. and realize that you are a selfish egotistical money hungry self serving bitch.. pretty much :)

and trust me im not mad right now.. actually.. the truth feels so good..

like a cool side of a blanket on a real hot night.. its my solace...

breath in the truth... ahhh.. taste so good :)

rage

there is a rage inside of me that i cannot explain.. a power that can be summoned with the right thoughts in a sequence that i keep very complex so bringing this rage to light becomes extremely difficult..

and when i say rage.. i dont mean rage..

if you want to feel the rage i have.. take every ounce of energy you have.. and a very very deep breath.... stand up.. grab a hold of something and with the most rageful hatred you can muster scream as loud as possible for the longest period of time.. until your head becomes light and your vision starts to flicker.. your balance starts to sway... and the only thing holding you up is whatever youre holding onto.. thats MY rage...

i was misunderstood last night apparently..

i was a gentleman.. and my words were misinterrpreted..

you dont want the same thing i want.. well thats a good thing..

cause what i want isnt a good thing.. is a shitty thing..

but you think i want you in my life.. for good or not at all...

and you have it all wrong..

there will only be a not at all..

all i was doing was giving you the common courtesy of a responce because the last time we talked on the phone feb 13th 2004.. i did not give you such a courtesy... you wanted to tell me your side of the story and i didnt want to hear it...

now you have misconstrued my words.. and you think i want something from you..

well youre right.. i do want something from you.. but i gaurantee you dont know what it is..

i had loving words to say to you.. just wanted to let you know how i feel..

but please dont miss the main point of our convo..

"i am sticking to my word."

i told you a long time ago.. if you ever did anything like that to me again.. you would be nothing to me..

and...

i am sticking to my word..

thats what i said last night.. among very loving things.. but i still have very loving emotions for you.. however i dont trust you.. and i know i can never trust you.. especially with my heart.. so depite what my heart is telling me.. my head will never let me fall into you again..

and this time.. its not an option..

here i am again misunderstood by the only person i ever wanted to understand me..

out

NOW THOSE ARE GOOD FRIENDS

So last night on the way home from work...very hungry... and angey worked last night.. shes definitely one of my best friends.. and i knew that before this story... i guess it was about 10:30.. im thinkin to myself.. "satisfying sigh.. ahhhh, a couple of hours alone.. gonna chill... clean the kitchen, resolve the carpets.. get the house all straightened up.. put a lil music on.. and just enjoy it..

*note for those of you that dont know.. thats my stress reliever.. cleaning.. yes i said cleaning. and no i will not clean your house*

so back to the story..

i was about 30 minutes from my house... halfway down Grant almost to bowen...

and it hit me..

i didnt have my key... i had given to to garrett so he could lock up when he left for work...

*note: i always have poeple over the house.. and garrett was still crashed out with his makeshift bed around 3:30 when i had to bounce.. and no garrett wont stay over your house.*

So....

im driving up and realize that not only do i not have my key... but like i said before no one is home /which is rare/ and now i just remembered, that the night of the Liquid Cellar show... I made sure to lock all my windows!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!

Son of a bitch!! mother f&^*! assclown bastard mother punks!!!! BAH!!!

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!

anyways.. so i walked around anyways and to my dismay noticed that every window was securley fastened...

*note:because when i do something i make sure to do it to the best of my ability.. so i knew they were friggin locked.. boo!

So... i sat on my front porch really frustrated that all these plans i just carefully concocted to follow as soon as i walked through the door.. that are time sensitive.. will now NOT HAPPEN AT ALL!!!!

*note: boo.. thats a pet pieve of mine right there folks.. when i take an ample amount of time to plan something and it doesnt work out.. not when i dont get what i want... stfu.. when soemthing that i busted my ass for doesn't work out.. thats my pet pieve..

So.. i call garrett...hes 15 minutes away and on the way..so i have some time to kill... i call my mom back and chat with her for alittle bit and shes giving me sage like advice on how to avoid reaching down the throat of the next person that annoys me and grabbing there smaller intestine twisting it around my fist and jerking out quickly enough to remove all of their internal organs.. and hang them out their mouth... then light them on fire and scotch tape the guys eyes open so for his last few seconds in his life he can realize that he shouldnt have done that..

*note: im a creative writer.. however i channel my energy i can focus everything on very discriptive imagery.. so please dont be alarmed i dont think i would ever do anything like that ;)

So.. i get off the phone garrett and brian get to the place.. we walk in.. garrett heads for the keg on the back of the porch howie heads for my room with his ear duct taped to his phone.. and i .. start implementing my master plan... of the evening..

i walked in the door and to my disbelief my entire house was just... FILFTHY!!!!

ahh.. i cant handle this..

*note: im either very very neat or clean.. havent figured it out yet*

So.. i get home and begin cleaning..

the vaccum wasnt working right, the presense of so much dirt was annoying me with every breath... i did have music on thank god.. and i was on the phone with justin while i was vaccuming yes:)

and actually i just put on some music.. just now 2:40 p.m. today.

Broken Bridge by Daughter Darling... lets see if my writing style changes.. experiement 2:40 pm

so the vacuum is not working its spitting dust everywhere..

all over the house.. driving me mad.. i look up.. garrett is drinkin some beer and doesnt really know what to do so he does what is in his nature to do and give me one of his patented open mouth smile he puts his left hand on his belly.. cause i have a stomach.. garrett has a belly.. with his pilsner in his right hand.. rocks forward on his toes and give me a silence one breath laugh.. which is garrett to a t.. :) i love that guy..

that was enough to put me over the edge.. and he meant nothing bad by it.. i had to walk outside.. but that was after i kinda accidentally maybe knocked over the vaccum with a little more energy than i needed to..

...maybe

*note: that vaccum has been drivin me nuts for ages!!!*

*note:so i was still on the phone with justin.... he had just sent me a really really really vibrant email:) lifted my spirits by the way.. about religion and GOD and it was really great :)

on the phone with im tryin not to snap and still sound relatively sane.. however he asked me how i was.. he thought i was.. i dunno.. i guess breathing hard.. but he replied.. with.."What are doin over there?" are you masterbating?"

lol.. i told him i was actually pretty pissed off and i was tryin to be as nice to him as possible but i had a million things on my mind and i couldnt calm down.. he did his best to help me out.. asked me if there was anything he could do to help me out in any way.. i just told him the best he could do is just lemme go so i can chill out and get everything done..


........now i just think i heard the words to that song i was listening to for the first time so this time imma read them.. brb 2:45

im back 2:28 jimmy just got hired at disney!!! F*^# yeah!

gone again 2:28.

so back to the story ...i walked outside.. at my whits end... on the phone with justin.. i was just so tired man.. of everything.. the band, work, not having money at all... a million things to do and i didnt feel like anyone in the world knew that i work so hard on everything i do.. i put 110% into everything i do.

so anyways... at my whits end.. ready to pretty much crack and i thought about two things.. one.. it wasnt garretts fault that he hadnt give me my key back.. and it wasnt mine that i didnt ask... there was no fault.. although earlier he stated it was mine...

so back inside..

*note: florida is a no fault state

i sent matt a text message.. told him that i had lost it.. was going to clean all night and i mean spic-n-span clean so that if he had to work the next morning.. i was listening to music and was gonna be up all night long.. so if he needed to sleep to probably goto bones..

almost sledge hammered the vaccum.....ran out of resolve.... ran out of swiffer dusters.. and only the 48 dollars i made at work to save my life.... so .. fixed the vaccum.. free.. that thing has like 1,010,987,645 filters..

bone wound up sneaking away.. i didnt even get a goodbye from him.. and brian came to let me know he was bouncing... cool.. lata brah :)

so off to walmart i go to get cleaning supplies..

oh yeah.. the only 3 isles in the entire store they had roped off were the cleaning isles that stated "No trespassing" and the again in Spanish.. "Im not gonna try it"... so.. that was annoying.. thanks..

somehow got what i needed...get out to the car quick trip to mcdonalds.. and Money calls..

1:23 a.m.
money: "where ya at bro?"
-at the second window of mcdonalds, havent eaten all day.
money: "already at the second?"
-yeah want me to drive back around to the first?
money: "no im cool."
-where you at
money: "at the place"



---He chose to come home to help me out.. up till about 3 we were.. then Money bounced to bed cause he had to work at 10.. thought i was talkin to money only at around 4 realized money was gone.. called to find out he went to bones didnt know he bounced to bones so for a few minutes i talked to know one..

stayed up til 7:30 gettin everything pretty much done.. looks great.. the place hasnt looked so good in months and months..

crashed.. turned the phone to silence put in "the rock" w/ nicholas cage and sean connery... passed out.. got up around 1:30p.m. hell yeah! about 2 oclock today.. im sitting at my computer and theres a knock at my door..

Mark Ross... Whats up budday!?

with a wave of his hand.. he asks that i come with him..

i walk outside.. and he has his van chrysler minivan parked kinda haphazardly in the parking spot closest to my front door..

*note: pimp ass ride by the way! do you know how much equipment we can fit in there!?!?*

So.. as he is sliding the door open.. says..

"someone said you were hungry... and didnt have any food.. so.. Sonya Angey and I through in for ya.."


Bags and Bags of PUBLIX goodies filled with whole grain goodness and milk and eggs and hot dogs and Lucky Charms and baked lasagna and bologna and HAM!
and mac-n- cheese and lean pockets!!! WHAAAAAAT!?!?..

Now Sonya saved me already by welcoming me back with Open Arms to Outback...
Angey has become one of my greatest friends ever in the history of the world and all great friends to everyone everywhere..
Mark is closer to me than a real brother i think..

Justin is my guardian angel...

Matt.. well like i said before.. hes my best buddy gaurdian angel as well...

so.. i decided to sit down and write about it..

how could i not..

3:19 pm.

scanning and editing..

3:40 Amy is.. well.. she sent me this song.. :) still istening to it..

time to eat :)

so to:

Sonya Malm
Angey Shepard
Mark Ross
Justin Mak
Matthew Collins

Thank you..

you made yesterday and today immaculte.

p.s. frosted mini wheat. 3:43 p.m.

------------Frosted Mini Wheat

mysterious equations...

so there was a time not too long ago that i would find myself with a few seconds of neutrality.. in between loading pictures and waiting for the carpet deoderizer to settle before i could do anything..

and in that few seconds... i could truly acknowledge where i am in my life.. without anything distracting me.. i could just take a step back and get a good look of whats going on..

now... in that period of neutrality.. i find myself smiling a lot more.. thinking more clearly and feeling much more at peace. life is a bit easier to deal with when there is someone that floods my heart with waves of comfort with just a thought or a few simple words..

..so if the world ended now i would go understanding that there is always someone in the world to amaze me, excite me.. suprise me... and teach me that although i believed i had the confusing equation of love figured out..

i am just a student...

!!!Ooooooog ew ereh dna

flickerstick was..

was..enlightening, inspirational,... and pretty wasted the entire show.

passed the jagermeister, smoked some stogs.. and rocked inside-out..

and i must say..

for those of you that know The McGee.. first of all thank you.. so very very much.. and second of all..

i used to try to seperate this blog from the band.. i just didnt want to constantly be talking about the band.. figured it would drive people nuts..

well i say.. nuts to that!

you dont wanna read anything about the band.. close the window now cause imma talkin.

FMY Studios 22nd 23rd of Jan
Howie relocates to O-tizzi
Chubbys in tallahassee on the 27th of Jan

this is the big one..
BackBooth in Orlando downtown on the 3rd of March..

Emergenza Festival..

Bands from all over the world are competing in this Battle-Royell..

92 bands from orlando . 92 from tampa - over 150 from chigaco seattle washington new york boston... etc etc..

playing in..

1st battle orlando
2nd battle orlando
3rd battle tampa
4th battle atlanta
GERMANY!!!

only way The McGee will be pimpin the VW busses is if we can get the very kick ass fans we have to lend us a hand.. and thats exactly what i mean...

by a vote of hands the judges will determine who advances and who goes home.. and who shakes hands with the makers of jager..

now that is my personal fav..

so come check out some shows.. we're in tally just a few days after were in tampa and we're lookin at gainesville the following day(s) for a comin back to orlando tour..

so we havent even scratched the surface yet when it comes to the strength of the band.. and keep an eye out..

cause im not gonna let it be anything but amazing.... and the only way i can do that is because i play with some of the best musicians on the face of the earth..

smilinmcgee.com

~time for lucky charms... 5:14 am! yes...

i must say: i think...

it's very interesting that i know you read this...

The Last Hoorah!

So i guess its like graduating from.. well.. anything...

lets take college for example.. now i know its been a few years since i graduated but i still remember the BS i had to go through to get to walk that walk..

last minutes spent in my advisors office making sure all the credits matched up.. financial aid to make sure every last penny was taken care of..

make sure all the courses are takin care of.. ordering that damn cap n gown.. turnin in last minute books and scrapin together the last few cents i have to wash and dry my one good shirt that didnt have Greek Letters on it...

and then.. the next thing i know..

--"William Floyd with a Bachelors of Science in the field of Computer Information Systems."

and those several and very memorable steps across the stage to be handed by the president of the university a rolled up piece of paper that lets the world know..

i did it. i finished. all the way through.. and in 4 years too.. and oh the things i took from that experience.. the laughs, tears, times i was so pissed off at the world and that didnt negate the fact that i had my M.I.S. and Computer Theory Projects due at the same time.. both spanning about 45 - 50 pages.. Business Management and Micro-management, and of course those damn cornerstone classes.. boo.

and i always had some drama with the fraternity. of course. it never ends..

however.. after those steps, a shake of the hand of Dr. Kirk, A lil flash of the camera and a few more steps and i was Gooooooooooooone baby!

good times..

but.. just a few days before and the days leading up to it.. well.. it was hell.. timing was everything and i think i made it with about 1/56th of a friggin chance in heaven.. but i made it..

so here we are.. jan 13th 5:36 pm 2005.. just a few hours till the flickerstick concert...and hear i am.. on the virge of.. something.. i can feel it in my bones.

not sure what it is... but im definitely excited. not sure if its the good kind of excitement either but ill be sure to post when i get back.

fill you in on anything remotely interesting that happens..

till then..

this is B-stilios signin off..

www.smilinmcgee.com
www.billyfloyd.com

thursday Jan 27th Chubby's in Tallahassee check it out mein!

i'm almost over.

peace at last but not for too long..

so.. here i am.. alone at last. i have to say i am a bit of a social butterfly but usually i keep my wings inside my own doors and it's the other butterflies that come to enjoy themselves...

just got back from dinner with a friend... fellow musician.. and i have to say the details of a conversation held with another musician in unlike the details of any other conversation. guess that the mindset of one musician is not always similar but may contains several similar attributes allowing for easy and understanable flow of information...

most conversations i have with most people involves about 15% talking and 85% explaining what im talking about. If i could just communicate with someone that understood what i was saying without me having to explain myself over and over again.. we would exchange much more interesting data.

however i have only seem to find that attribute in one person and they arent even in this state.. alas.. the internet.. has done so many great things for us.. including making the world very very small...

now people from budapedst and northern california are buddies.. friend even.. and sometimes.. even bound together in wedlock. wow

without the internet do you really think that jimbob from bumsville, idaho and natalia from kratzlakistan, russia were gonna meet at the starbucks on wall st. at 3:45 this sunday afternoon if it wasn't for the internet...

maybe..

fate and destiny play an interesting role in life.. not saying that fate and destiny exist or even if they do, that they control 100% of lifes choices... but its interesting for me to think about.

so.. like i said not for too long..

money just stumbled in tossed a small faced five to me and the next thing i hear is a door closing...

interesting.

so...

i was in an interesting mind state last night and decided that i could get away with sitting on the couch without getting too much 'ish for it by trying to relax every muscle in my body starting with my toes and ending at my eyebrows and using that as my excuse..

it worked.. nicely and it took a lil more concentration than i presumed. of course after i relax all my muscles its time to relax my mind.. this is one of those mind over matter things...

so whats the point?

whats is all mean bazzle!?

this thing that we've been thrown into.. and expected to not only stay afloat but to swim.. and not only swim but to dive. and with 3.7 billion other people. doesnt that mean we're expendable.. i mean.. we're only 1 of 3.7 billion.. thats three billion, seven hundred million... 3,700,000,000 but that doesnt seem like a lot.. so lets take off one number and see the drastic effect it has...

3,699,999,999..

three billion, six hundred and ninety-nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundrend and ninety-nine.. whew..

that seems like a bigger number to me than 3,700,000,000.. but its not.. so onto the next topic..

what is the big picture? what are we here to do? more importantly.. what am i here to do? thats a rhetorical question. i guess figuring that out is a one way ticket to somewhere else .. cause im sure as soon as you figure out the answer...thats it... youre promoted.

and i dont wanna go anywhere so imma stop talkin about it...

so serving has its goods.. and i have to say it has more goods than bads.. working at AOL was bad bad bad bad bad bad semibad... and more bad..

the only good thing was is that i wasnt the only one that hated that job... misery enjoys company...

and i was the company.. AOL was the misery.. and i left that crap job on the sidewalk. and for a significant cut in money and an imeasurable jump in happiness i sit here today.. leading my life with words and a blue guitar named gloria..

and im not sure where its gonna take me.. not sure if we'll be lucky enough to make it to the big show.. whatever that may be..

i am confident that we are going to succeed. but i do not know that we are..

the biggest fuel i have now is my belief in it. i believe we are going to succeed.. and whatever form of success i encounter, i will do my best to appreciate it.

and i receive the most feedback from the people that have no friggin clue what they are talking about..

most dont know why i do what i do.. some people may have an idea.. some people couldnt care less.. and those are usually the naysayers.. people that have seen failure before and think its contagious.. no no no.. wrong..

failure is not contagious.. its an option.

if i dont want to fail.. i never give up.

just because i dont fail doesnt mean i succeed. it means that i dont fail.

if i never give up.. i wont fail. however for me.. thats not good enough..

anyone can not fail.. its the successful ones that i wanna share a bottle of wine with.

success is a mindset, a belief system, a choice.

so before you start going to the gym, or you start that new fancy shmancy diet that the general public has been sweapt up in.. make sure youre actually going to go through with it before you waste your time energy and money on it..

i mean..sure.. i guess experiencing some is better than experiencing none.. as long as that was my purpose. but i dont wanna just experience music, guitar riffs, lyrics, notes, walkdowns, build ups, bridges, octaves, fifths, power chords, harmonys, pre chorus, alternate melodies, out of tune, dead betteries, wireless guitar systems, songs that make me cry, songs that remind me about my past, songs i can fall asleep to,... i dont wanna experience these things.. i wanna live those things.. eat and breathe those things.. cause without the dead batteries in a flange pedal or a D string that constantly finds itself outta tune.. i wouldnt be able to appreciate the times that we dont have dead batteries or when every string is in perfect tune..

good times..

musical samurai...

and on that note.. imma bounce..

talk at you soon.

`b`stilios out

Motorcycle drive by!!!! HOLY $*!T!!!

okay.. inspiration only happens in short short short doses and it gets smaller and smaller if you are a writer...

but i just had a great one!!!

i think..

motocycle drive by is playing.. "on the water...alone"... i actually wrote that as it was sung... so now youre in my timing....

"annnnnnnd i never been so alive" and i wrote that in timing too... so now you can compare and contrast...

so i just had a conversation with a very good friend of mine..

we have been friends for years a while now.. and it was always... kinda weird.. but still okay.. then it was bad then it was good - then great.. then non existant.. and after that it was gone...

even in each others presence we would not even see each other.. and it was because of bullshit anyways... shit that neither of us had control of...

so time passes fast forward 2 years later... whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh...

okay... two years later... couple glasses of wine in.. and she says "i kinda want to kiss you" and im like thinking.. WTF.. huh!? are you.. really?!.. i mean... i uhhh... well.. i umm.. yea..no... may.. i dunno... what could happen here how ??? could this take effect in the rest of my life this decision right here what do i do how do i do it... shes asking and idunno what i want to say wha shit!!!! how do i answer do i kiss her do i not kiss her... how do i do it.. i mean i think ... i dunoo.. what do i do ... how do i act.. how when.. here? now?,,, i mean but!!!!!

...anyways...whew...

thats what i was thinking guys... that shit all up there... and all in a matter of an ((1/18th)) flip of a hummingbirds wing..

http://www.yesmag.bc.ca/Questions/Hummingbird.html

and do you know what i did...

i replied.. are you saying this to me or is it just because im the one standing here?

she says.. to you.

we walked and talked and i stood there... pondering.. what do i do when we get there... are we gonna shake hands... walk away.. what do i do...

so i take a moment... just a moment.. and i control my mind.. my imagination and i control my... well lets not get ahead of ourselves..

i imagined...

cool decemeber night.. seen each other at club.. we were dressed to impress and were very successful in that venture... eyes were passed along with hugs kisses and conversation... a lil dancing... some glasses of champagne.. then.. the wine...

and i have to say despite what a 25 year old musician (www.smilinmcgee.com) :)
lliving in the heart of orlando pursuing the dream he dreamt about in another dream... 2 times the dream... not just pursuing my dream but my friggin DREAMS DREAM!!!

thats crazy

anyways...

saw garden state yesterday... phenomenal..

okay back to the point at hand

i listened to heaven today like 5 damn times.. weird.. it was inducing an emotion i have not felt for quite some time... but it was.. different i guess...

anyways

i prefer wine over anything.

so... the wine...

one glass..two glass.. three glass...

door... goodbyes....car... nighttime... cool time... tipsy... told that she kinda wanted to kiss me.. so i took every ounce of energy and imagine all the way up to that point and mid sentence...she was silence as i took her... i just ... stole her from her footsteps and encompassed her with one of the most passionate kisses i could give to a person that have never kissed before...

thats pretty passionate damnit!

so...... whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

fast forward to tonight at

SuchAndSuchName (12:40:16 AM) ....."and we can just be friends"

so i guess i'm kinda bummed.. i think that would have really fun.

dammit lost snorter! she makes me laugh...

okay back to the task at hand

i just experienced the end of an era that never started..

and it was a mature decision.. WTF!?!?

I dont wanna be mature.. thats for weakling... fraidy cats... thats the fear factor you hapless scared bastards! being mature.. having a "real job"... you wanna "real job" and "real career" sure go ahead.. leaves the pursuits of understanding for the ones that arent scared... that arent afraid to pursue the unsure thing... you think pursuing money will not only bring you wealth but satisfaction too?! hah! sucks for you.. what would you have done if you existed before there was a form of currency... would you want power!? okay fine... you want power... great...

lets see what happens...

we'll give you a machine to make money... legal money for anywhere in the world, plates... ink.. everything you would need to make it .. everything. and you are making money left and right in all forms... coins and bills and trinkets and tokens... and tickets and teeth... buffalo skins... sheep.. whatever

and we'll give you an ax and some trees.. and a tent and some water.. and electricity and a huge plasma screen and the fastest car and a machine to make machines to build buildings and rockets and houses and clothes of every style.. and.. whew.. i think thats enough

right? right.

hope youre happy...

maturity...

what happened to the days where i just wanted to play with my new gi joes..
transformers watching knight rider and airwolf and todays special on nickelodeon.. watchin orioles baseball.. damnit growin up sucks... but its not the growin up... its the growing SCARED!!!!

Wake up bitches! dont be afraid to chase the unsure thing... you know what?! run after that bastard with a powered rocket from ACME... you now what!? even better... dont chase the unsure thing... CHASE THE THING THATS JUST GONNA FALL TO PIECES IN YOUR HANDS.. that you know is just gonna suck ass!

and if you try hard enough... it will one day... be a beautiful thing.

trust me... im doin it.

ive been to the corporate fields and i didnt like what i saw...

which was rich, nice car drivin assholes..

that were so possessed by money they couldnt enjoy a beautiful walk on a beautiful night with a beautiful person cause even then.. it was all about money.

i personally hate it and this is from a person that doesnt hate anything... but just found something..

...for the moment anyways...

but we need it...

dont we?

so im on the artistic side now..

livin tight..

i havent eaten all day and its 139 am on friday jan 7th and im talkin bout the 6th...

so... its time for skibby to and get a plate of baked ziti thanks to carl and kelly and watch moulin rouge.

dont be afraid.

jammed on a song [[ written on (Monday, July 26, 2004, 3:26:18 PM) ]] for a bit... glad i could remember it and then play it back :)

....bout 3/4 of the way in...

but when you slip into the night
and kisses take you by surpise
and you dreams your reality
and you dont wanna wakin up....

good times

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's PASTA TIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!

stilios out...

jan27th chubbys in tallahassee

http://www.chubbys.cc/

1:57am