Fate and Destiny

So I mean seriously... Who Believes in this Fate and Destiny crap!? Who in their right mind would believe everything happens for a reason... There's a reason that you crashed your sisters mustang on the way back from picking up your girlfriend at the airport after you promised to be safe with it and even though you were.. BAM! Accident!

There's a reason for everything... I mean common people!!! What kinda hokie crap is that?!

Well I have no idea. But I believe it. And I believe it completely. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, i do believe that I am where I am right now at this very moment typing this blog because I am supposed to be.

"A lot of the times we spend so much time searching for the reason that something happened, that we miss the opportunity that the event offered us." ~pbf

It feels as if sometimes I can't do enough, that no matter what i do... I can do more... no matter what i do I can give someone more, make someone laugh harder, make them smile bigger... love someone better.

work harder! play harder! sing louder!

truth is I can't "make" anyone do or feel anything.

When is enough enough!?

theres only one person that can answer that...

...me.

i guess enough is enough when i am happy, but in order to do that I must find the things that can lead me to happiness, bliss, comfort, and contentment...

And I found it.

"Only after losing everything will I find anything."

I didnt necessarily lose anything.. I gave it up. I gave up my dreams, my wishes, who i was, and who i was turning into, the friends i had made, my goals, and aspirations, my wants, and desires, my time, my money and most of all my heart. I carefully packed it in a little box, wrapped it up and marked it with a "J". And I traded it for one thing...

I knew I should have kept that damn receipt, I knew i should of just tucked it away in my wallet for a rainy day.. Just in case I ever needed to return it, in case it broke I could take it back and get another one, trade it out for one thats not broken. Or maybe even get the latest model when they come out so Im not stuck with this old one that doesnt have the latest and greatest bells and whistles... But I didnt...

I threw the receipt away on purpose. I was happy with my one thing... I didnt want or need anything else and I was learning so much. I had given up everything for this one thing and I was working so hard to be the best i could be. I had alot to learn, yes..but, I was willing to. I was willing to endure the questions and the scary nights and tears and fights and worrysome dark and lonley distance. I was willing to sacrifice whatever I needed to to make this one thing the best it could possibly be. Nothing is perfect but I was going to try my best... I was gonna do everything I could. Break through walls, climb over barriers painfully maybe even dangerously.. But I was gonna do it and I did!!! :) I did all those things! Everything...

however in the end... My one thing wound up not happy.. something was wrong with it.. so time and time again I changed more, I gave more, i tried harder, i worked harder... never had i ever put so much love, attention, time, patience, trust, faith, commitment, dedication and tears into anything at all...

but it didnt matter... the choice was not mine. So there I was on a rainy morning trying to answer lifes questions.. Why!? Why did it not work? what more could I have done?.. I did everything I knew how to do and then some. I gave everything I had and then when it was all gone, I found different ways to give more, different ways to say more, to be there more, to sacrifice more... but still it wasnt enough.

Of course I made mistakes along the way... of course I did. Im human, it happens and yes some of them were pretty big mistakes and I learned from them. I took responsiblity and apologized. I taugh myself how to think before I acted. I was learning how to think before I spoke but yes sometimes emotion took over and it got the best of me.

"Mistakes are the stepping stones to knowledge." ~pbf

And I have to say I had a lot of stepping stones... but I had never learned so much in my life. The little tiny things are my favorite...

However here I am back at ground Zero packing carefully and thinking intently on what I am going to put in the box this time, how im gonna pack it, wrap it and what im going to mark it with. Who am i gonna give it I to? And hopefully I wont cringe too much when I give it away... because last time i did... the only thing they gave me was time, alot of time... to think, to learn to pray, to talk,and to spend... alone.

And for that I can only say...

"So tired of wakin' so tired of doin it again, so tired of believing in the things that you just dont believe in. so tired of wakin and early mornings and sweat pouring down my face so take my hands and kiss my lips and fall to my embrace...

just fall to me baby, let yourself go, let yourself fly, just let-your-self-feel-it...

fall right down... to my embrace

numbers are ringin and water is fallin as the night swims past my feet, hands are movin just like a contusion, yes, this second hand takes my life away. so hurry and join me cause cryin and lonely at night is just no place to be. So take my hands and kiss away these fears that plague me.

just fall to me baby, let yourself go let yourself fly, just let-your-self-feel-it...

fall right down... to my embrace."

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love is the power that turns the world, that warms our homes and lights our hearts ablaze... dont ever give up on love, it will never give up on you.

i had a dream last night.. an incredible dream, a dream i havent dreamt in quite a while.. and it was very nice... though it will stay a dream at least i know i can find bliss in the dream world. i love dreams.

maybe next time...

Well, someone needs to go and get some left over macaronis...
...Strong Bad needs to go and get some left over macaronis.

~Billy

"To Da Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!"

10:39a.m.

the 5 people you meet in heaven - Mitch Albom

The opinions expressed herein this blog are those of the author Billy Floyd and are not necessarily those of the Center for Mental Health and Chronic Blogging Services...

If at anytime you feel offended please be sure to notify your ass @ billyoffendedmeandmyass@assoffender.org

any misspelled words were done so on purpose :)

Prove me wrong bitch!

lata.

inspirations:
one thing - finger eleven
in the end - linkin park
my embrace - pbf