...in the cold, dark night with the scoreboard lit..

So I had a bunch of dreams last night but one of them sticks out in my mind still.

...I was at a restaurant with some friends and as they were finishing up their conversation I went for a lil walk around.

They were all roommates and were talking about roommate stuff so I found myself some time to do whatever.

I walked around for a bit and then about 15 minuntes into my wondering I met two lovely ladies so I began a convo with them... talking to the two who seemed to be in their 60's about life in general, just this, that, and the other. Work and Family, Schooling, Laughter.. etc.

After about 10 min later my friends came around the corner and were ready to go...

One of the friends, we'll call her Joelle, was... I guess my "interest" in this dream and i could tell that their convo had been a lil draining...

So I opened the door for everyone and no one was really talking as we walked outside. It was about 7:00 in the evening so the sun was still out but going down and that kept the air at about 80 so it was a nice evening...lil on the warm side.

As we walked through the parking lot there was zero convo so I decided to take matters into my own hands.. I was thinking to myself.. "self, what can you do to lighten the tension and freshen the convo?..." so without a second thought I put my hands in the air and started yelling at a pretty loud volume.. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! and running around... but damn it was really loud.. i knew i wasnt yelling that loud...

so the next thing i know is i look over and joelle is doing the same thing.. hands in the air running opposite me and we were kinda crossing each others paths running to the car...

That was so awesome for me... we had started that at the same time.. no prewarning, we didnt talk about it we just threw our hands in the air and started yellin...

well after we made it to the car we stopped screamin and just kinda looked at each other with smiles on... no words were spoken, i just walked up and gave her a hug. she hugged me back but i guess she didnt feel that comfortable so she kinda pulled away... she did so just enough to where we could look at each other and then... she kissed me.

*and it felt better that great, even better than perfect... it felt like... home. and there is no greater feeling.

The End

So I guess I've been single for a few months now, but it doesnt really feel like it. I guess it kinda feels that way when the heart is involved. It's almost like I have to keep reminding myself that I am single... I have to do it every morning though and that kinda sucks...

It's kinda like having amnesia and everytime I wake up the doctor has to tell me for the first time that my babydoll is gone...and I guess it hits me pretty hard. However, my doctor isn't a guy dressed in white with a lil clipboard... its a lonley pillow, untouched through the night and still cold. with no impression from a sleeping head or bunched up for comfort.. just by itself and it feels like it has been for years...

This is one of those learning times... A time where I get to turn the magnifying glass to me and focus on my life which is something I have forgotten how to do... i just prefer to have someone i truly love to take care of... to look after, not because they need it...but because I care for them so much I couldnt bare anything happening to them and I want to do my best to make sure everyday they laugh and smile as much as possible...

Damn, it feels like an eternity...

I seem to always forget all the bad things, pushed them from my mind so they dont hurt anymore...the names, the arguments, the bitterness, the manipulation, the lies and lack of faith...

They scarred me... so why would i want to remember them?

Well one reason is so I don't let it happen again... I haven't done too well in the past in remembering the bad and because of that i let hope blind me and tryed to paint over the bad parts with "I'm sorries" and "I love you's" thinking that those words would cover up the bad parts and we could move on...

but just like anything... time wears everything down and slowly but surely those bad parts started to show through the freshly painted surface and the most horrifying thing was that i could see it coming and there was nothing i could do. I didnt have the strength to walk away, so i prepared myself for the storm... I stood out in front of it, staring at it, knowing it was coming and bracing myself for the impact...hoping that this time i could stand the rain, it wont knock me down this time, there is no way, I already know what it feels like and that i can brave it.

When is came, it came like a Fully-Loaded Tractor Trailer breaking the sound barrier, taking no prisoners and totally destroying everything in its path... But I didnt move, I gritted my teeth and clenched my fist and made sure my eyes were wide open.

I WAS NOT MOVING!!!

I dug my feet in the earth and stared at this "NOTHING", this destructive force that existed only in emotion... greater that rockets and missles, greater than Texas Size Asteroids, greater than atomic bombs... this was the most destructive creation the world has ever known, and it was barreling towards me so fast it blurred the sky... like heat rising from a surface that's so hot it distorts the world around it... I braced myself for the force of this blow... and it smiled at me and sped up...

I knew what was going to happen, but for some reason I was hoping that it would change its mind, i was hoping it would realize what it was about to do and stop just short of me... This time it will be different, this time its gonna stop I know it! I believe it! This can't happen. this won't happen. Not again... its gonna stop Im not lettin it happen again, I got my defense up... braced for impact knowing that I have the strength to beat it...

I'm not even sure how it happened or when it happened but I know now, that i was wrong...

Before I knew it that Truck hit me without flinching and it made sure it was going as fast as possible when it did. I didnt stand a chance... It hit me like i wasnt even there and kept going. So here I am 4 months later still remembering the very second it hit and exactly how i felt.

Have you ever seen a really hard hit on a football field, one of those hits where it jolts you in your seat, one of those where even from a distance it hurt you to watch it?

Imagine getting hit by a guy that weighs 16,000 pounds running at 90 MPH and youre only 140 and holding on for dear life, feet dug in the earth, hands outstretched standing your ground... He's gonna hit you even harder for gettin in his way...

But at the end of the night, when the game is over and the field is clear, the lockerrooms empty, the stadium lights still lit and the score still on the scoreboard... the stands empty except for the banners prepared with love and made to ispire victory, the air horns abandoned by their owners, the remnents of hot dog crumbs and drink bottles, a few forgotten articles of clothing and napkins carried aross the seats by the wind... there I stood on the 50 yard line knowing i did my best, knowing i didnt run, knowing that others have, but i didn't.. because i said i wouldnt. I promised I wouldnt run, I promised I wouldnt give up, I promised that through thick and thin i would brace it, I would endure it and I did... even though i was alone, I did what i said I was going to do... But I couldnt stop the others from running away...so there i stood in the cold, dark night with the scoreboard lit..

Visitor 5
Home 0.

I played my best game ever, id never tried so hard... but it wasnt enough...

So what happens next?

I get to the field a little earlier tomorrow, lace up and get ready to do it all over again.

that's what happens next.

~Billy

10:36 a.m. 06/19/04